This is a letter to you from Los Angeles. We felt we needed to point some things out from a Westist perspective just to keep you guys in check. I know you are feeling pretty big time right now being the day after St. Patrick’s day, but that just means we are 364 days away from thinking green is cool again. Boston gets a lot of sports love in the media. I am here to let you know how New York and Los Angeles feel. I say this because as much as there is a rivalry between LA and NY, there isn’t because both populations know there are only 2 and a half places in this country that matter (Chicago is the .5).
While New York is 8+ million heads strong and LA is 3.5+ million heads strong, Boston is hanging super tough at about .5 million. That makes you 1.6% of the U.S. Population. the other 98.4% of us feel the following things about you and your sports teams:
1. Paul Pierce faked it. We all know it. I know he’s from Inglewood, but you can keep him. You can keep him and his old man jumpshots and his amazing acting ability. In the Finals last year, you might have thought he got shot in the vagina he was in so much pain. He got in a wheel chair. He clutched his leg. I honestly felt horrible for him. That was until he came back out four minutes later like nothing happened. Total puss. And you know it.
2. Kevin Garnett’s postgame speech was embarrassing. His man card is revoked. This sucked for me, because my private joy of the Finals was that Garnett was getting his ring. The man can ball and he deserved to win a title. But then he finally does, I am hoping he says something cool, and we get this:
That was like the missing scene from Rent. Actually, that is dogging Rent too much. It was awesome how he found a way to look so lame on national television. He was dancing with the stars right there. What a clown. I need a shower to get the awkward off of me.
3. Remember when Paul Pierce pretended to be injured for like 20 games so the Celtics could lose enough to improve their lottery chances of getting Greg Oden. The rest of us do too. Funny how you hypocrites choose to forget that because the Celtics sucked at the time (before you bought Jesus Shuttlesworth and Mr. Anything is Possible). I call you hypocrites because you were quick to jump all over Manny Ramirez, who unlike Pierce at the time, had already carried you to two World Series wins and was still leading your team in most statistical categories when he was “dogging it”. Pwned, Boston. Pwned.
4. Remember when the most famous thing about your city was the fact your baseball team hadn’t won in 86 years? I miss those days. I miss them because Boston used to be cool. Now, the Red Sox are just the Yankees north. What happens when Manny is shipped to LA and the Yankees outbid you? You guys start calling for a salary cap. Hypocrites (see #3).
5. Here is a picture of Manny Ramirez in a green hat. He’s smiling because he will not be the only Latino dude in Los Angeles. Even better, most of our population will probably just assume he is Mexican and love him even more.
6. You guys are totally nuts when it comes to morality in sports. Manny walking out on his team is the end all be all sin? How about being the last team to integrate in baseball? Literally, the Red Sox are the most racist team in all of sports and that includes teams from the South. Not cool. While we out here enjoy being the team that FIRST integrated the game, you are sitting in the shame seat. Here’s a fun article about it from NPR. There’s a really fun part about how racism led the Red Sox to not sign Willie Mays, effectively blowing the chance to have Ted Williams and Mays in the outfield together. Good call, Boston. You only had to wait 86 years for a title. The Dodgers won 6 in that time span. Maybe Manny just was tired of playing for a-holes?
7. Bill Simmons sucks. It’s not so much his writing. That part is fine. It’s the fact he LIVES IN LA. If you love Boston so effing much, by all means move back there, Bill. We know L.A. is great, just stop hating on it while you are paying your mortgage here. Go fake an injury with Paul Pierce.
8. Bill Belichick is a piece of shit. You heard me. He is. He’s a great coach, but he’s a cheat. Cheating coaches are lower than players on roids. Also, his sweatshirt makes him look homeless. Pete Carroll would beat him down in the street. I don’t care that Pete didn’t win as much as Belichick does when he coached the Patriots. He didn’t cheat. He’s also in better shape and has a hotter wife. Pete Carroll also can fly and was the dude who killed Cloverfield, so you’re welcome eastern seaboard.
9. Jonathan Papelbon called out Manny. But let’s be honest, does anyone care about this guy’s opinion:
Pwned, Boston. Look at this tool.
10. You guys need to learn how to love a celebrity. Judging everyone all the time makes you look like hypocrites as all judgemental people end up looking that way. You need to understand the Los Angeles mindset and set yourself free. We love Kobe. He cheated on his wife and was accused of rape. Who cares! L.A. just loves a winner. That’s why the film industry is here. We may not know what morality is, but we know a star when we see one. We just as soon get out of the way and enjoy it. Manny may blow up, hate LA, who knows. No one will care. They will just blindly clap and love the fact that he has dreadlocks. Before you fight back, don’t you find that even slightly appealing? Set yourself free into warm temperatures and women that stay in shape after bikini season. It’s really pretty awesome. Honestly, the only player I really remember L.A. hating was Andruw Jones and that was because he wasn’t good at sports and was fat. All they care about here is results and star power. Manny is Mannywood now. And here is a picture of him:
See Boston? No one cares what he did to Red Sox Nation. We’d be greatful for a championship. Heck, we liked getting to the NLCS, just as far as you got without him. Have fun with Jason Bay, Mr. Baseball. Mr. Canada. Tight. That guy is awesome. I’ll put his poster up in my hall of fame of Canadians less cool than Russell J. Martin. Lame. I am just pretty sure no one would care if Charles Manson played shortstop for the Dodgers as long as he put up numbers. Hell, Nomar sucked for most of his time in LA but he was beloved the entire time. Maybe being a fan is actually LOVING your team?
Anyway, Boston, it’s nothing personal. You guys are all right , I like you guys. You are trying to keep it real. I am just saying, while we could learn a few things about showing up to games on time from you, you could learn to forgive your stars, and if not that, forgive them once they have left.
If not, feel free to comment below and show me how much you hate everything I’ve said. All of us out here will enjoy it drinking London sours out by some pool looking at palm trees, just glad we have a guy who can hit and knowing that the more frustrating he gets, the more fun we’ll have. I guess we’re just wacky out here.
Papelbon’s dance is still pretty lame, though.