I’m Sorry Boston, but You Suck Donkey Nuts.

Hey Boston,

This is a letter to you from Los Angeles.  We felt we needed to point some things out from a Westist perspective just to keep you guys in check.  I know you are feeling pretty big time right now being the day after St. Patrick’s day, but that just means we are 364 days away from thinking green is cool again.  Boston gets a lot of sports love in the media.  I am here to let you know how New York and Los Angeles feel.  I say this because as much as there is a rivalry between LA and NY, there isn’t because both populations know there are only 2 and a half places in this country that matter (Chicago is the .5).

While New York is 8+ million heads strong and LA is 3.5+ million heads strong, Boston is hanging super tough at about .5 million.  That makes you 1.6% of the U.S. Population.  the other 98.4% of us feel the following things about you and your sports teams:

1.  Paul Pierce faked it.  We all know it.  I know he’s from Inglewood, but you can keep him.  You can keep him and his old man jumpshots and his amazing acting ability.  In the Finals last year, you might have thought he got shot in the vagina he was in so much pain.  He got in a wheel chair.  He clutched his leg.  I honestly felt horrible for him.  That was until he came back out four minutes later like nothing happened.  Total puss.  And you know it.

2.  Kevin Garnett’s postgame speech was embarrassing.  His man card is revoked.  This sucked for me, because my private joy of the Finals was that Garnett was getting his ring.  The man can ball and he deserved to win a title.  But then he finally does, I am hoping he says something cool, and we get this:

That was like the missing scene from Rent.  Actually, that is dogging Rent too much.  It was awesome how he found a way to look so lame on national television.  He was dancing with the stars right there.  What a clown.  I need a shower to get the awkward off of me.

3.  Remember when Paul Pierce pretended to be injured for like 20 games so the Celtics could lose enough to improve their lottery chances of getting Greg Oden.  The rest of us do too.  Funny how you hypocrites choose to forget that because the Celtics sucked at the time (before you bought Jesus Shuttlesworth and Mr. Anything is Possible).  I call you hypocrites because you were quick to jump all over Manny Ramirez, who unlike Pierce at the time, had already carried you to two World Series wins and was still leading your team in most statistical categories when he was “dogging it”.  Pwned, Boston.  Pwned.

4.  Remember when the most famous thing about your city was the fact your baseball team hadn’t won in 86 years?  I miss those days.  I miss them because Boston used to be cool.  Now, the Red Sox are just the Yankees north.  What happens when Manny is shipped to LA and the Yankees outbid you?  You guys start calling for a salary cap.  Hypocrites (see #3).

5.  Here is a picture of Manny Ramirez in a green hat.  He’s smiling because he will not be the only Latino dude in Los Angeles.  Even better, most of our population will probably just assume he is Mexican and love him even more.

fuck you, boston.

%$#@ you, boston.

6.  You guys are totally nuts when it comes to morality in sports.  Manny walking out on his team is the end all be all sin?  How about being the last team to integrate in baseball?  Literally, the Red Sox are the most racist team in all of sports and that includes teams from the South.  Not cool.  While we out here enjoy being the team that FIRST integrated the game, you are sitting in the shame seat.  Here’s a fun article about it from NPR.  There’s a really fun part about how racism led the Red Sox to not sign Willie Mays, effectively blowing the chance to have Ted Williams and Mays in the outfield together.  Good call, Boston.  You only had to wait 86 years for a title.  The Dodgers won 6 in that time span.   Maybe Manny just was tired of playing for a-holes?

7.  Bill Simmons sucks.  It’s not so much his writing.  That part is fine.  It’s the fact he LIVES IN LA.  If you love Boston so effing much, by all means move back there, Bill.  We know L.A. is great, just stop hating on it while you are paying your mortgage here.  Go fake an injury with Paul Pierce.

8.  Bill Belichick is a piece of shit.  You heard me.  He is.  He’s a great coach, but  he’s a cheat.  Cheating coaches are lower than players on roids.  Also, his sweatshirt makes him look homeless.  Pete Carroll would beat him down in the street.  I don’t care that Pete didn’t win as much as Belichick does when he coached the Patriots.  He didn’t cheat.  He’s also in better shape and has a hotter wife.  Pete Carroll also can fly and was the dude who killed Cloverfield, so you’re welcome eastern seaboard.

9.  Jonathan Papelbon called out Manny.  But let’s be honest, does anyone care about this guy’s opinion:

Pwned, Boston.  Look at this tool.

10.  You guys need to learn how to love a celebrity.  Judging everyone all the time makes you look like hypocrites as all judgemental people end up looking that way.  You need to understand the Los Angeles mindset and set yourself free.  We love Kobe.  He cheated on his wife and was accused of rape.  Who cares!  L.A. just loves a winner.  That’s why the film industry is here.  We may not know what morality is, but we know a star when we see one.  We just as soon get out of the way and enjoy it.  Manny may blow up, hate LA, who knows.  No one will care.  They will just blindly clap and love the fact that he has dreadlocks.  Before you fight back, don’t you find that even slightly appealing?  Set yourself free into warm temperatures and women that stay in shape after bikini season.  It’s really pretty awesome.  Honestly, the only player I really remember L.A. hating was Andruw Jones and that was because he wasn’t good at sports and was fat.  All they care about here is results and star power.  Manny is Mannywood now.  And here is a picture of him:

mannysbackSee Boston?  No one cares what he did to Red Sox Nation.  We’d be greatful for a championship.  Heck, we liked getting to the NLCS, just as far as you got without him.  Have fun with Jason Bay, Mr. Baseball.  Mr. Canada.  Tight.  That guy is awesome.  I’ll put his poster up in my hall of fame of Canadians less cool than Russell J. Martin.  Lame.  I am just pretty sure no one would care if Charles Manson played shortstop for the Dodgers as long as he put up numbers.  Hell, Nomar sucked for most of his time in LA but he was beloved the entire time.  Maybe being a fan is actually LOVING your team?

Anyway, Boston, it’s nothing personal.  You guys are all right , I like you guys.  You are trying to keep it real.  I am just saying, while we could learn a few things about showing up to games on time from you, you could learn to forgive your stars, and if not that, forgive them once they have left.

If not, feel free to comment below and show me how much you hate everything I’ve said.  All of us out here will enjoy it drinking London sours out by some pool looking at palm trees, just glad we have a guy who can hit and knowing that the more frustrating he gets, the more fun we’ll have.  I guess we’re just wacky out here.

Papelbon’s dance is still pretty lame, though.

Best,

Lost Angeles

20 Comments

Filed under boston sucks

20 responses to “I’m Sorry Boston, but You Suck Donkey Nuts.

  1. I’m sorry, who are you again?

    Love,

    Boston

  2. kaliphornya

    You should have put the big baby Davis crying clip in…..Who cries during an NBA game on the bench…..

  3. Captain

    Funny, you forgot to show the clip of Kobe demanding a trade and the Angels getting eliminated year after year by Boston.

    • Zack

      reread it. we forgave him for getting accused of rape. we’re okay that he wanted a trade. you guys are the ones that bugged out about Manny. He wanted to be traded, so what? He’s a star, that’s what we like. And the Angels? Who are they? There’s only one team in LA, that is the Dodgers. Take it up with Orange County. I am glad you beat them.

  4. MikeMartin

    Total NBA Finals MVPs:

    Kobe Bryant: 0

    Paul Pierce: 1

    STFU

    • Zack

      hey boston represent. i got one for you. league mvps: Kobe 1, Paul Piece 0

      Or how about this one: NBA Titles: Kobe 3, Paul Pierce 1 (plus a fake injury to his mangina.

      Have a good night townie🙂

  5. MikeMartin

    9 to 2 pal

    seeya

  6. This blog’s great!! Thanks🙂.

  7. MikeMartin

    haha ok

    everyone who watches the games knows Chris Paul was the MVP of the league last year even BronBron was more deserving than Kobe.

    Give P2 Shaq in his prime and he has at least 3 rings too. But hey thats hypothetical, ur right Kobe is the one who really has the hardware and if he wasn’t such a selfish dickfor he could probably have 3 more.

    None of this really matter tho cause we all know the whole reason this blog or article or whatever the eff it is was created is because LA is on Bostons nuts so hard. You guys want to be us so bad. We’re all you think about. You guys have as many nightmares about Game 4 as Sasha Vujacic.

    • Zack

      i was at the beach during game four because the weather was summer-like, like always. but yeah, boston sounds dope. i should totally gain 20 pounds and move there. chris paul wasn’t the mvp, kobe was. hypothetical. i wrote the blog because predictably, half of boston has nothing better to do than come on here and read about how much they suck.

      but you at least have the balls to comment (out of the thousands that have read the article), so thanks for reading and good luck now that KG is back. it’s not personal.

  8. mattyshack

    If you spell Boston backwards you get notsob. But I all I see is a lot of crying.

  9. MikeMartin

    haha i know its not personal – and thanks for that balls compliment ; )

    truthfully i thought most of it was pretty funny.

  10. Trippah from Southie

    Kid, Im not really sure where to start laying into you but you are a joke and LA is a joke. You can have manny cause the dude, although a great hitter, is lazy and out of his mind. I think he feels more comfortable out there cause he is around people who have a similar IQ. Kobe is a great player but you can continue sit out there an swoon over him while paul pierce can win us championships. Oh yea, the national media talks about how we are awsome because we are. We have the hardware to prove it sucka. and BTW, i dont remember us offering you back pierce although im sure youd take him back in a second. So cry some more about how your a loser, kobe is a rapist (which somehow i think you tried to defend him for), russel martin couldnt carry jason bays socks, Gasol looks like a friggin llama, your pitching sucks and papelbon is better than any closer you’ll ever have. Pitching wins championships and if it was a bat that won either it was big papi’s. Dont ever mention Pete “the cheerleader” Carroll in the same sentence as Belicheck ever again. You just make yourself sound like a moron. You wouldnt last a hot minute in boston chump. They would be dragging your frosted tip, 120 pound, pansy ass up and down west broadway and then toss you over the city line into dorchester and forget you ever existed. Go get yourself a double mocha macchiato and STFU.

  11. Captain

    Boston fan here and I was lucky enough to read it because some insecure Laker fan posted it on the C’s boards. In all honesty I thought it was a pretty funny and well writen article. You are correct about LA’s poulation being that much superior than that of Boston’s….it’s kind of a shame they can’t break into the top five as far as sports towns go. Great whether, hot chicks, nice beaches, disneyland….hey you can’t have it all. Sorry but titletown resides in Beantown.

    • Zack

      I am glad you enjoyed the article and took it the right way. A rivalry is only as good as its rivals, and I am doing my part. As far as Titletown goes, it is hard to say. If you go by sport college and pro (which is allowable as Boston has the most colleges probably of any city on earth), it’s a tough argument. Hear me out.

      Actually, I’ll write a new post on it. Feel free to comment, you are always welcome.

  12. fsdfjhk;f

    fuck LA you gus suck dick at sports you can keep manny

  13. Triple 6 Soul

    Great article! Just stumbled upon it today… Update on how Boston sucks balls… LA Lakers are the World Champions and the Dodgers have the best record in the Majors w/o Manny… can’t wait till Manny’s back. Oh and if the Dodgers can maintain 20 games over .500 till the end of the season, they’ll break the record for the most wins in baseball history. (As of today, they’re 23 games over .500)

  14. Eddie

    Have fun with all your crime. Smog. Dirt. Filth. Fake people. Gangs. Terrible economy. You had Arnold as the Govenor of your entire state(now that is embarrassing). Thanks for taking 258+ million of bad contracts off our hands for two of your best pitching prospects. Thanks for not having an NFL team. Thanks for having a very lame sports fan base. You have a team that has purple. Where are all the Lakes in LA? ( go back to MINNESOTA) Congratulations your hockey team won a Stanley Cup the year AFTER the Bruins….did you know you had a team?!

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