The Ed Hardy Smart Car Conspiracy Begins.

There is a certain irony to calling your automobiles Smart Cars.  I mean, if you call your car company Smart, you would think that in order for the name to work, the car would have to be either really effing smart or really, really stupid to make the name comedic.  Being that the car is a rolling death trap that could fit in my closet, I always felt like they should be called Dumb Cars.  Only I was so wrong.

The should be called Douche Cars.

make it stop.  please, lord.

make it stop. please, lord.

That’s right, America.  Ed Hardy has “skinned” a Smart Car.  And for around $40,000 dollars, you can complete your utter and total metamorphosis into a total douchebag by having a tiny car wearing the same douchy t-shirt that you are wearing as the driver.  Love Kills Slowly?  Really?  That must mean we are loving Ed Hardy because it is taking forever for this to go away.

I felt like Christian Audigier’s Von Dutch line died quicker.  I felt like it got disgusting and then began to fade with an impressive half-life.  This Ed Hardy thing just won’t die.  It is insane.  Look at this car!

ed-hardy-smart-fortwoI want to just run into the center of Beverly Hills and scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to save humanity from the whims of this leather-skinned French monster.  He is the scourge of mankind.  I want to tell people “you will regret the decision to wear these clothes”, but no one seems to care.  We’ve been Audigierized.

christian-audigier-ca-clothingWhen you spend 300 bucks on a sweatshirt designed to look like the kind of tattoo you would never ever want to get, you might as well get the tattoo instead.  This guy is the poster child for the midlife crisis.  Proof?  Here you go:

joe-jonas-christian-audigierHere he is in a velour blazer throwing up the “sideways backwards peace sign” in front of one of the Jonas Brothers’ genitals.  He has taken a handsign stolen from rappers, repurposed by the “white suburban hip hop community“, stolen by the “drunk girls on Facebook photo albums” contingency, and claimed it for the “middle aged French designer tanning bed crowd.”  He’s claimed it and put it over Joe Jonas’ penis.  There.  I said it.

who's face looks weirder to you.

who's face looks weirder to you?

Another one of Audigier’s super-douche superpowers is the ability to wear an untied bowtie and pretend that at one point of the night he actually had it tied.  Do you trust him?  I don’t.  He never tied that tie.  It’s hard to look that casual and that douchy at the same time.  He pulls it off.  Look at him above with Michael Jackson.  Could anyone really look that casual around a man who looks like he was dipped in battery acid?  Only a pedophile could look so casual.  There.  I said it.  Christian Audigier:  pedophile.

Just in case you thought I was just picking on him for the bowtie and the peace sign things, here are more examples of his douchebag stylie:

buy my douche-tags.  that way if you fall during douche-battle, we can contact your douche-family.

buy my douche-tags. that way if you fall during douche-battle, we can contact your douche-family.

pink is the new douche.

pink is the new douche.

douche vegas.

douche vegas.

holy douchebag. the casual bowtie manuever and the backwards peace sign at the same time. this is my thesis, man.

holy douchebag. the casual bowtie manuever and the backwards peace sign at the same time. this is my thesis, man.

where is his other hand?

where is his other hand?

There will be people reading this that actually got to my blog by Google searching for pictures of Ed Hardy clothing to buy.  Even worse, they may be wanting to buy the car.  But if you fall into that group, please, I beg of thee, reconsider.  Don’t be the guy in the bell bottoms.  Dress like a human.  This is a fad that will die.  It won’t live on like the Members Only jacket or the smoking jacket.  This is spandex jumpsuits.

Consider the source.  This is a French man telling you what is American.  Would a French person ever take advice from an American on what is French?  No.  They wouldn’t.  You know in the cafes of Paris they are laughing at you for buying a 200 dollar t-shirt that makes you look like a douche.  They are saying “Le look at them.  They look like les douches.”

this is the world he wants to live in.

this is the world he wants to live in.

America is apple pie and baseball and football on the gridiron.  It’s a Pontiac GTO being driven by a man who chews tobacco and spits in the eye of death.  So please America.  Send this dude packing before we all look like d-bags and drive Smart Cars.

9 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

9 responses to “The Ed Hardy Smart Car Conspiracy Begins.

  1. Haydee

    “Le look at them. They look like les douches.” Hahahahahaha….I love it!

  2. Pingback: Love Kills Slowly » The Ed Hardy Smart Car Conspiracy Begins.

  3. deadhardy

    Dig the article brother. I feel ya 100%!

  4. hilarious

    “Le look at them. They look like les douches.”
    that was epically hilarious. i completely agree with you🙂

  5. man u crazy…look like Audigier will sell every brand after makin the most money he can make off them.
    that’s fd’ud.

    hope u”ll visit the blog of my design agency
    thanks!

  6. spookym

    The Jonas Brothers’ genitals are between the stomach and chest?

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