Oh Snap! I’m Dogging Bottle Service!

Bottle Service.  Not surprisingly, it abbreviates to BS.  Bottle Service in the 2000s will probably go down in history among the most spoiled, flippant, ostentatious and self-aggrandizing activities of the modern douche bag.  Finally, it is being outlawed in Boston and New York is making strides.  I am here to raise the issue and bring it west.  We can’t stand for this Lost Angeles.  We must protect out city, even the really super douchy parts of it.  It is not a crime to go to nightclubs.  It is just a crime to order bottle service.

get loose with the goose?

get loose with the goose?

It has not always been this way.  It was once started in Japan during the war as a way for soldiers just to get a bottle and get faded.  It was annoying shooting people all day and at the end of the night, sake was the answer.  At a lot of spots you could get a locker to keep your sake in.  The booze wasn’t any more expensive.  It was simply a way to buy something and keep it.  It was incentive for the clientele to keep coming to the same bar.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s in Paris and New York, highly sought after establishments would offer bottle service mainly as a means of making a reservation.  The bottles weren’t marked up excessively, it was all about making sure people with reservations spent money.  In some cases, bottle service even saved people money.  That makes sense, doesn’t it?

But then it all went to hell.  Thanks New York.  Lotus and Bungalow 8 and other spots like this started making the idea of ordering a bottle for access to a place that is very exclusive the norm.  And the trend spread like ebola to every waif and wanker who longed for a day when money would be more valuable  to bouncers than being hot, popular or interesting.  And so you have it.  The worst thing ever.  Here’s why.


The first glaring issue is you are paying on average a %1000 percent mark-up for a bottle of booze and the priviledge to sit while you drink it in a room of people that find you to be annoying.  No one ever orders anything but Grey Goose and they are hip to paying $350-$600 for it.  I guess if you are a monster celebrity and money doesn’t mean anything, it’s cool, only it isn’t.  It’s always the E! channel hanging out.  When was the last time you were at a bar and bottle service was hooked up by Sean Penn, Cate Blanchett and the dog from Marley and Me.  The answer is never.  It is always Brody Jenner or some MTV B-lister who wouldn’t know cool if it sat on his face.  I know some of you are thinking, wait, Brody Jenner is awesome.  Then again, some of you think bottle service is awesome.



Night clubs used to be about knowing someone or being a local celebrity for something interesting.  In the least, it was about having cool drugs and having pretty people to do them with.  Now, thanks to bottle service, these “clubs” are basically selling the right to enter to the business crowd, the squares, the bankers and accountants and wealthy in striped t-shirts like it is a business meeting.

I don’t know that I consider myself cool.  I know for sure that buying a bottle of $400 vodka, sitting around an ice bucket, flirting with a cocktail waitress in a corset who just wants more of my cash will not make me cool.  For one $30 bottle of Goose purchased as bottle service, a real baller could buy 3 bottles of 18 year old Yamazaki Whisky, 4 cool glasses and a bunch of ice.  You could go sit on a rooftop somewhere and sip on that every night of the summer.  Instead, you paid for the right to sit around a table that looks like the roof of your limousine from prom and douche it up.

it's just like home.  if home cost $400.

it's just like home. if home cost $400.

Even worse, I’ve talked to my single friends about the appeal.  A lot of time, they tell me it’s the “hunnies”.  They say words like that.  Sometimes they call them “bitches” and that makes me laugh.  I still have the mind of a four year old.  I’m still laughing about that time in 5th grade my teacher first said “penis” in class.

Anyway, the problem with “hunnies” when you got bottle service is they are just down for free booze and looking cool.  Usually, these girls are not keepers.  Let’s be honest.  Can you imagine telling you Mom, “we met because I spent $500 on something that costs $30 and she hates spending money so much that she had sex with me rather than leaving the bar and spending $30 on some vodka.”

Yes.  That girl you met and threw down on cost $500.  I mean look.  If you were going to spend $500 for sex, why not just get an escort?  Seems easier.  Pun intended.

the waitress is going home to her bf who definitely can't afford bottle service.  but at least you tipped her $50 for the right to hit on her.

the waitress is going home to her bf who definitely can't afford bottle service. but at least you tipped her $50 for the right to hit on her.

I guess it is all about whatever makes you happy, but something about spending money in this way is crazy.  I am the last person to pick on people who travel and spend crazy money.  I mean, how do you put a price tag on that?  Experiences are great.  That said, I even understand getting bottle service one night in Vegas for the “experience”.  But honestly, Facebook is 96% photo galleries of girls and dudes making the same dumb ass poses, holding the Goose at some glowing table making “oh” faces.




Filed under Rants and Musings

4 responses to “Oh Snap! I’m Dogging Bottle Service!

  1. Alex

    Rule number one :
    Never buy a girl a drink
    Rule number two:
    Never Buy a girl a drink

    You see, bitches (Girls , whatever.) group guys into two buckets. The guys that are going to get them drunk and the guys who are going to get them off. Personally, I’d rather be the latter.

    And another thing, no I’m not going to be extra nice to you just because I want to plow you. This scenario has happened enough that I have learned my lesson. In fact, fuck that. I’ll be a jerk if I sense you are abusing your luster.

    I get them out on the dance floor. Show them you can move. Let these hips seduce you, then I just hang out during closing time and scrape up the scamps that haven’t found a chump to pay for their taxi yet.

    Being the Designated driver has its perks after all 🙂

    Oh and bottle service sounds exponentially more absurd to me by the way. Your article, time a trillion.

    Love it

  2. Duiker

    I think Frankie likes bottle service.

  3. It’s my first visit to this site, and I am truly surprised to see such a pleasant feature YouTube video posted here.

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