The rabbit hole seemed to open up for me yesterday. I was cut off by a man who had a personalized license plate reading “ASGAARD”. Yes. Ass Guard. That was right after a dude in a little, red VW Golf drove halfway into the intersection of Normandie and Beverly. I was weaving like a boxer through the grid because I had to get to the Dodger game. I am still learning the ways to cut across the city as the crow flies. Regardless, my journey harkens me back to the USC days and the opportunity to experience LA’s different cultural hubs. Then, out of nowhere near Vermont and the 101, I spotted the place where time and space rips open and a little, deep fried bundle of Filipino joy jumped through.
I give you, Jollibee: The Phillipines’ number one fast food chain. A place that has a picture of a giant, robot bee looming high overhead daring you to come inside and try their offerings. What are their offerings? The sign proudly boasts that they serve the “Crispy Chickenjoy” and the “Juicy Yumburger”. Who could say no to that? Well, maybe a lot of people assuming that there weren’t many pictures available. So one Dodger game later, I researched Jollibee and collected some menu photos for you.
Again, you are welcome. Let’s dive in.
Their website is very upbeat. It’s about national pride and it is about friendship and family. It is about showing the world what Filipino fast food can be. But some of the copy doesn’t translate over. I am probably looking like and American Idiot here, but in the photo above, the word “colon” appears in a background image where the Jollibee himself is loading something into a cool little car. I don’t want the word colon involved at all when looking at pictures of the Yumburger:
I fear what that special sauce is. I mean, I have heard of Canadians eating mayo on French fries. I can only imagine what goes on up here. I mean, I will be fair and try this. I’ll try anything once. Except faking an injury in the NBA Finals. Paul Pierce beat me to it.
I love this. Chickenjoy seems to connotate the emotional response from the meal, as opposed to what it is. I mean, clearly this looks like some killer fried chicken. There’s some white rice with it and some mystery sauce, but I get it. Not only do I get it, but apparently if I eat it, I will finally experience a state of “chickenjoy”, which is something I think I’ve been searching for my entire life.
If you have room after experiencing chickenjoy, you can have the spaghettiest spaghetti ever, which the chunkiest chunks of the meatiest meats ever.
If you are wanting a taste of the seven seas (or even one or two of them), Jollibee is hooking you up with the Tuna Pie. It’s basically, to my understanding, a McDonald’s hot Apple Pie but they have taken the “apple” and replaced it with “tuna”. They have also pressed the words together so it reads TunaPie, making it very net 2.0.
I don’t know what is going on here, but I’ve had dreams that looked like this. Awkward. This seems to be a hot dog, a tortilla chip and a cross section of a dinosaur egg that has been hard boiled. It also looks like a face of a strange duck pirate. Look! The hot dog is the mouth, the egg is the eye, the chip is the eye patch. Hot Dog Pirate, directed by Michael Bay.
This blew the lid off my mind and then used my open mind as a toilet. The “Ice Craze” is a milk shake essentially, only it has cheese and some strange purple yam called ube on top. For those of you saying “that isn’t cheese”, then explain to me ube cheese magic. It is cheese. It’s a cheese shake. Deal with that, America.
The crispy bangus, once thought to be illegal in the US, now yours at the drivethru. Actually, bangus is just a fish also known as the “milkfish”, but what’s the difference. I think “Crispy Bangus” and “Crispy Milkfish” both sound dirty. They also where both my nickname in high school along with TunaPie.
In our neck of the woods, a swirly was when you put a kid’s head in the toilet and flushed it. And swirly bitz? Well, that’d be because the dude before you didn’t swirly flush.
I don’t want to make it seem like I think the food is bad. Actually, I am stoked on it. I am going to go to Jollibee and try out the whole lot of products and let you know. Even the Yumburger. You in?