Swine and Dandy. 24 News is Lame.

twenty-four-seven, bitch.

twenty-four-seven, bitch.

Anderson Cooper woke up with wood the morning this story came to fruition.  His fancy wolf good looks were checked in the mirror extra long in the green room.  24 hour news is always, always hungry, and thanks to the swine flu pandemic, they are gonna get all the pork they can eat.

I won’t even get into the disease.  It is horrible for everyone who gets it.  It’s serious.  I am aware of that.  It is the news coverage that kills me.  At one point yesterday, the news anchor was trying to get a biochemistry teacher they brought on the air to be an expert, to tell people how scary it was.  The expert kept saying, “I wouldn’t cancel travel plans.  Just wash you hands.  Avoid people who are clearly sick.”  The reporter used that to segue into a diatribe about how that is why CNN must keep everyone informed.

What’s next?  I can hear the anchors using one of their touch screen maps and showing where the death toll is trending to, county by county until the suicide rates start to climb (in which case they have another week of news).  “Jim, the swine flu has just stopped at the Kogi Truck.  We’re told it’s Roja and it is leaning towards ordering short-rib tacos.  Back to you, Soledad.”

this is also their television schedule.

this is also their television schedule.

24 hour news must get so excited when a hurricane is coming.  They immediately know to dust off the schedule they use each time out.  Here’s a sample schedule for a hurricane:

  • Send reporters to location that seems close but isn’t really that close.
  • Show the same projection of the hurricane until the hurricane hits.
  • Just before hurricane hits, be sure to interview locals who don’t believe in hurricanes.
  • During hurricane, get good images of big ass waves and trees bending over from wind.  Loop them.
  • Move reporters back from danger zone, keep them where it is raining, have them say things like “I have been moved back twenty miles out of the danger zone, but look at this heavy rain and wind.  I can only imagine what it is like in the eye of the storm”.
  • Drag out the danger until it is sunny out.
  • Show highlights of the destruction.
  • Debate whether the government is doing enough.
  • Get a Democrat to say the hurricane was due to global warming.  Have a Republican say the hurricane is because of Democrats.
  • Give coming attractions of new hurricanes that are coming and predict they are going to be bigger than the one that just finished.

In no way am I demeaning these storms or hurricanes.  They are terrible and tragic and such a hardship for people forced to endure them.  It’s just the news.  It’s sort of how now that ESPN is 24/7, you get the same content over and over and over.  24 hour news is the same.  They seem to get excited when there is a reason to be on the air the whole day.

It is depressing to me that the news is the story, not the other way around.  I am being a little rough on CNN here, but that is just because Fox News is too hilarious to bring up.  They will tell you the Obamas created the swine flu with the Saudi government as a ploy to allow illegal Mexican aliens to bomb the Nebraska Cornhusker’s spring football practice facility.

Unfortunately for the world, the local news is pretty brutal too.  Sigh.


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