A-Rod Always Was A-Roid.

When A-Rod came out and admitted he was using performance-enhancing drugs during his tenure as a Texas Ranger, some people were shocked, some were not.  After all, Jose Canseco had called him out back when the Mitchell Report was still fresh.  I had believed Canseco only because he admitted doing it himself and didn’t currently play.  Of course he was trying to sell a book, but at the same time, he’d been right about others that were juicing.  Believing A-Rod juiced was not exactly a stretch.

love me.  love me.  love me.

love me. love me. love me.

I said at the time there was no way this was the end of it.  When he went down with an injury, everything seemed strange.  His doctor’s post-op comment was odd.  Something along the lines of “it went normally the way these things go”.  That is as if to say there was a reason it wouldn’t.  It’s nit-picking, I know, but the doctor always seems to say “the surgery was a success and everything appears fine.”

A-Rod clearly studied his script for his Peter  Gammons interview.  Gammons, working at the Mothership, definitely would never ask a non-scripted question.  He is still just living in the fantasy that he’s made a career of being a baseball analyst with almost zero knowledge of teams outside New York and Boston.  Gammons just wanted to talk to a Yankee, a thrill for any Red Sox fan like he is.

what did the five fingers say to the face?  slap.

what did the five fingers say to the face? slap.

So it comes at no surprise to this blogger that as A-Rod nears his Yankee return, more rumors are starting to fly.  Only these rumors aren’t mysterious and fed through PR machines.  These are the kind of buckwild, crazy, awesome rumors that you get when someone is writing a book about you and has no fear of publishing a bunch of shit and seeing what sticks.  This is Barry Bonds territory.  This is straight up wild style accusations and I believe every last one of them.

Why do I believe them?  A-Rod made the most critical error of all time.  Any guy or girl who has ever been cheated on in a relationship knows where he went wrong.  He said he took “substances”, but he wasn’t sure what they were.  It was a crime of the the era.  It was free love in steroid town.  The error A-Rod made was trying to take half the blame.  It is the equivalent of your ex saying “I kissed someone else”.  No.  You slept with them.  “It was only one time”.  No, it was habitual.  Think of guilt as built up steam.  Telling half the truth is like letting some out, making holding the rest in more bearable.  The reality is, the cheater always gets burned.  They end up settling for someone worse or being afraid to forgive themself or becoming excessively paranoid.   Or worse.  The lying cheat will eventually start hating themself.  Can’t you see that in A-Rod?

If you are new to bullshit, you almost sympathized with this handsome slugger being asked the “tough” questions by a pale vampire named Peter Gammons.  Only I am not new to bullshit.  The minute Clemens started getting questioned, I knew Eric Gagne cheated.  He was one of my personal heroes.  He was totally awesome.  The guy doesn’t blow a save for two years.  Wins a Cy Young as a reliever.  This Canadian freak wears goggles, has a goatee, a sweat-stained hat and literally a 30+ mph differencial between his fastball and his change up.  I cherish the memories of him flying out of the bullpen to “Welcome to the Jungle” and how jacked up it got at the Ravine, but I know he was a lousy cheat.  It’s heart-breaking.

My point is that if I can call out one of my personal favorites, a Dodger hero, than  I am not playing the part of a bitter West Coast fan when I make the statement that A-Rod is one of the biggest pieces of shit ever to play stickball.  There I said it.

There is honor in just telling the truth.  A-Rod should have just said when the Mitchell Report happened: “Hey.  I wasn’t on there, but I should have been.  I took roids.  I couldn’t say which ones, but I know they were illegal.  I know I did something wrong.  I just want to come clean.”

If he did that, everyone would have already forgiven him.  Hell, they might even have liked him for going out of his way to jump in front of the bus.  The American way is telling the truth and taking you lumps.  More than “innocent until proven guilty”, we’re “admit guilt and return to innocense”.  Think about it.

to madonna or to, well, this lady.

happy couple

Too late, A-Rod.  The latest rumors/truths are insane.  Here are some of the things you can read in Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts’ book “A-Rod” that was released Wednesday.  Here are some things the book will talk about according to “The New York Daily News” who somehow got a copy in advance.

  • Yankees teammates nicknamed Rodriguez “Bitch Tits” in 2005 because he put on 15 pounds in the offseason that resulted in round pectorals, a condition called gynecomastia that can be caused by anabolic steroids.
  • A-Rod “pitch tipped” when he played for the Rangers by letting opponents at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games. A-Rod expected players he helped would reciprocate when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up.
  • A-Rod’s off-the-field antics including his poker habit; his divorce from his wife, Cynthia, his relationship with Madonna and his other affairs are detailed.
  • A-Rod was hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15 percent.

This stuff is nuts.  He under-tips at Hooters?  Not that I care, but that is just hilarious.  Remember that this guy makes 30 million dollars a year.  I guess he doesn’t feel the Hooters girls bring the kind of heat he wants while eating $7 chicken wings.  Maybe he was accustomed to rounder mammaries when he GREW THEM from taking roids.

How about the pitch-tipping?  I totally believe that and let’s be honest, it is so cowardly I feel gross writing about it.  Unless it is coach pitch Little League, the goal is to compete.  Honor your opponent by battling him at all times.  This is the American Game.  Pitch-tipping is un-American.

The Yankees should release this guy.  Money doesn’t matter to them anyway, they can afford it.  Not that it matters, he can’t hit in the playoffs anyway.  He can’t hit in the playoffs because there is too much noise between his ears.  He cheated because he is not sure.  He may have been cheating since high school.  For shame.

Then again, A-Rod doesn’t think for himself.  Maybe society is to blame.  I mean, would you have agreed to take this picture:



Didn’t think so.



Filed under New York Sucks

5 responses to “A-Rod Always Was A-Roid.

  1. Let’s see Bitch Tits get out of this one. It just keeps getting better and better…


  2. I’m a Yankees fan, but have never liked A-Rod, he can’t handle the pressure, always chokes.

    • Zack

      it’s hard to play in NYC. pressure is great. i think a lot of yankee fans feel the way you do. rather have a guy hit worse in the regular season and come up big when it counts.

  3. Wow, I thought the Hooters points was a joke (and a good one at that) until I read your follow-up description.

    What a douche.

    • Zack

      this blew my mind. what is crazy is i have a buddy from high school who can actually confirm this. i am going to interview him.

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