I get complacent sometimes. The Ed Hardy installation at the Beverly Center has been gone awhile. I have lost track of the constant billboards that look like paint diarrhea. I almost fell completely asleep. But I should have know better. I should have know my great nemesis Christian Audigier was lurking somewhere figuring out how to ride this bitch out one step further.
Innocently, my buddy went in to grab a lighter from a 7-11 in Echo Park of all places, when he comes out laughing hysterically like some kind of sexed up hyena. Apparently, whatever he is holding is too good for words. He’s right. It’s the Ed Hardy Light Up Raver $3 Lighter.
Good God in Heaven. See the white part of the lighter? This thing glows like the top of a prom-style limousine, changing colors the longer you hold it down. I fight my natural moth-like attraction to cool ass lighting and realize this is the bastardization of one of the last great bastians of “cooler than you” posturing. If smokers can no longer go outside and shun the Ed Hardy movement by smoking a cigarette branded by the Marlboro Man without being infiltrated by Christian Audigier’s bastardization of youth culture, we may have already lost the war.
These cigarettes are for people who smoke Parliament Lights. The kind of people who don’t know what tobacco tastes like. The kind that give you the American Spirits are natural lecture. They are natural. So is Poison Oak. Smoke them because you like them.
I felt out of touch. Since I quit smoking a year ago, I have certainly still indulged in an occaisional cigar, but as a proper gentleman should, I use matches. I regret that now. I’ve let the convenience store counter fall to vandals. It’s been pillaged by douchebags.
This lighter sparked a conversation about what else Ed Hardy has been ruining for those of us with moral standards. Apparently, wine. I mean, literally, he’s marketing Ed Hardy wine. For those of us who thought our wine needed to scream “I have no idea what good wine is” comes these hot toddies:
Even Audigier knew he couldn’t get away with a Pinot Noir without the wine gods murdering him. I picture a guy wearing earings with a girl in a rhinestone-crusted trucker hat demanding a bottle of Ed Hardy “pee knot noyer” to a poor sommelier at some restaurant somewhere in the LA Basin. For shame. Even someone who doesn’t know anything about wine knows this is not right. Maybe I am wrong. Nothing emotionally connects me to Cabernet from the cool valleys of Napa like a burning American eagle soaring wildly above the beheaded cranium of the Statue of Liberty.
How appropriate though isn’t it? A beheaded Lady Liberty? I mean, after all, Ed Hardy is killing America. Slowly. Just like he claims “Love” does.
I went home and used the internet machine to dig up some more products on the line. Check it out.
Keep it up, Chrisitan Audigier. You may get your wish. If cooler heads lose this war, here is what our society will become: