I hate birthdays. I hate celebrating them. I like celebrating other peoples birthdays, I just have never really loved celebrating my own. I can think of a million things that are better to celebrate. There are things I don’t think you SHOULD celebrate that are more worthy to celebrate than a birthday.
Why? Well, what did I really do? Claw my way out of my mother 26 years ago? Big achievement. Every asshole you see made that happen. Even the guy you know who can’t figure out how to work a condom at one point made it out of his mother into the universe. I think we need to throw more parties for other things. Like when you are in high school (middle school if you are awesome, college if you were slacking) and you get with a girl for the first time. Why not make that a big time party? That is definitely more of an accomplishment than being born.
To that point, maybe parents should have the party for themselves. I mean, they made the magic happen in the first place, right? I think birthdays should get more and more importance the older you get. That’s because the older you get, the more impressive it is that you lived another year.
In reality, we’re dealing with a set of conventions. That is why I think we need to spice up the birthday a little more. Here are some of my suggestions for a more entertaining birthday party:
Check it out. All your friends reprise the roles of your parents and friends, dress in theme and do a re-enactment of everything from conception to birth to elementary school to college to those prostitutes in Vegas. Like it would be part celebrity roast, part Broadway musical, part drinking game. Give your friends the rare opportunity to really, really lay into you. Not just some small pokes to the ribcage. Let these clowns throw some real haymakers. Once the show is over, everyone can stumble to the nearest bar or just pass out face down on the ground.
People always hate paying for dinner at birthdays. It is like being press-ganged into a meal where one asshole orders like five 12 dollar drinks and the bill is split because it is such a pain in the ass to figure out what everyone spent individually. Plus, looking cheap sucks. The other thing is that people over-eat and then it is harder to drink at the bar later. So check this Ending-Of-Sixth-Sense of an idea. WE’RE GOING OUT TO THE BAR FIRST AND EATING DINNER AT THREE AM. BAM. Deal with that one cheap skates. First off, everyone gets drunk on an empty stomach. Second, everyone eats after drinking anyway. Third, all food is good at 3am when you need it if you plan on passing out in the next ten hours. So next birthday, we’re drinking whiskey downtown, then I am buying a bloody steak over at the Pacific Dining Car. Gangster.
Become A Celeb Party
This is a great idea, but first you will need two things: to be really good looking and know an agent that wants to sleep with you. If this is the case, you can become famous and then have that agent call a vodka company and tell them to sponsor your party. Now it is free for everyone. The only downfall of this is then everyone will take pictures of you when you are a mess and you can kiss getting a steak at Pacific Dining Car goodbye. The paparazzi are a total buzzkill, man.
The one rule of thumb though is DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH YOUR SHOES ON. Or this happens: