Normally folks, I can’t do much celebrity blogging. I just don’t have the stomach for it. When I see TMZ on television, I get the supreme urge to murder a kitten. I actually pray that the big one happens and traps all the paparazzi underneath a burning wreckage of my wasted time.
But once South Park called out Kanye, it entered my realm. Kanye has been losing his mind for a long while now. His music sounds like he’s stopped trying. Then when South Park nailed him with the Gay Fish parody, Kanye seemed to have the tiniest change of heart. His blog, which I am convinced is ghost-written by a five year old dyslexic boy, had a diatribe about how maybe he should be less arrogant and focus on being creative.
That lasted about as long as my attention span during one of his new songs.
Based on the supposed claim that someone has created a fake Twitter account for Kanye, the ugly sunglassed hip-hop king had this to say on his blog. Sorry for the all caps. Sorry for Kanye in general. Try to read this without getting dumber:
I DON‘T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER… WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN‘T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON‘T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT… THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN‘T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT’S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW…. WHY? … BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!”
Wow. Here’s my take:
One. The “guys at Twitter” are figuring out which company is going to give them between 300-900 million dollars to buy them. They don’t give a fuck about you, Kanye.
Two. A fake Kanye “Twitter” as he calls it is not deceitful to Twitter users. You are deceiful to your listeners for becoming super douchy after being so awesome for all those years.
Three. People who are too busy to tweet do not have time to write a blog telling everyone how busy they are. That is the most ass backwards thing I have ever heard.
Four. If your “blog” is even 5% of what you do, you have plenty of time to tweet. That’s the beauty of Twitter. 140 characters. In fact, I’d prefer if he closed down the “blog” and opened “a Twitter”. Kanye would have more free time to write shitty music and we wouldn’t even have to read more than three sentences of his.
Five. Put periods betweeen thoughts. Those are called sentences. He should learn about them after he discovers lowercase letters.
I can’t keep writing. I only post 20% of what I write. The other 80% of the time, I’m too busy being creative and writing about Manny Ramirez and eating candy.
Kanye, please go back to being the shit. Like you used to be. Do we need to get Big Boi and Andre 3000 and Del tha Funkee Homosapien and Andre Nicotina and the People Under the Stairs and Jay-Z circa 1998 to bring you back to earth? Do we need to call Zion I and everyone over at the Handsome Boy Modelling School?
I’m a nice guy so here is a compliment on your blog. You posted a picture of a Nintendo Mouse for your computer. It is awesome. I want it.