You Are Dead to Me Urth Caffe.

In this economy, I hate knocking a business.  I especially hate it when it seems like it is a good business.  In fact, in this case, the quality of the business is ruining the business.  I’m being too vague.  Let me clarify.

i'll have a cappuccino and a slap in the face, please.

i'll have a cappuccino and a slap in the face, please.

I’m calling you out, Urth Caffe.  The one in WeHo.  On Melrose.

I actually like the coffee here.  Why wouldn’t I?  The owner has traveled the world looking for the best.  It is terrific coffee.  All the other pastries and such, it’s all fine and dandy.  The food is organic, well prepared.  Nothing wrong with it.  Hell, their global outlook is great as well.  I get it.  Well done.  Like I said, it’s not the business that has FAIL written all over it.  It’s just the segment of society that loves going there.  Let me clarify.

For those of you who don’t know, Urth Caffe (on Melrose) is a nightclub.  Sure it may look like a coffee shop.  Sure there may be no booze or club music inside, but this place is Foxtail A.M., as in during the daytime.  For people who love standing in line at night, or love proving they don’t need to stand in line, Urth has graciously become the place to stand in line during the day.

What does standing in line for turkey paninis, spinach salads with feta and such get you?  The opportunity to go on an incredible Douche Safari courtesy of WeHo’s exotic indigenous wildlife.  This place always has celebrities coming to it to pretend to not want to be seen while wearing sunglasses, talking on their cell phones and sitting at an outdoor sidewalk table right at one of the 10 busiest intersections in the second largest city in the United States.

don't bother me, i'm douching.

the wild gyllenhaal in his natural setting.

Yeah Lauren Conrad.  You clearly don’t want to be seen.  Here’s a great place to hide:  your bedroom.  Actually, bad idea.  Isn’t this girl a sex tape waiting to happen?

To speak to that point, this place got a lot worse after Entourage started filming there.  That sort of opened the door for pretend celebrities literally trying to live the life portrayed on Entourage because it is awesome to mooch off your friends and pay girls for sex.  I think I’ll pick a different HBO show to emulate.  Me and my friends are going to pretend to be In Treatment and just therapize each other all day.

holy shit.  meg ryan drinks smoothies!

holy shit. meg ryan drinks smoothies!

We’d have picked Flight of the Conchords, but there is a whole other half of the city already pretending to be on it.  Fail.

So if you would like to go to Urth Caffe to try the coffee, which I have said is terrific, then there are a few things you will need to know.  You don’t want to stand out at a place like this.  If you plan to truly embark on a Douche Safari, it will be important to hide in the tall grasslands of the Douchengeti with the Doucharazzi.

You will need a big pair of sunglasses, preferrably mirrored, but definitely dark enough so no one can tell who you are except for all the people who wonder why you have huge sunglasses on and a scarf in 95 degree heat.  You will need a white v-neck t-shirt as well.  This is really not as easy as it seems.  It will need to look like it came wrapped in plastic in a threesome for $18, but in reality will need to cost over $250.  Otherwise you will be mistaken for a normal person, and they are not allowed here.  Additionally, you will need a pair of jeans that calls your sexuality into question just enough for passersby to think “he must be somebody if he can pull those off”.

Another important move will be to let people know you are at Urth when you are there.  I would tweet it and put it in your Facebook status, both of which should be easily updatable via your iPhone (which should be in some kind of cool hard case that no one else has yet).  Later that evening, be sure to decline an invitation to Katsu-ya because you are so stuffed from lunch at Urth.  Also, make sure you mention you went to the one on Melrose.  If you went to another location, you might be confused for a person who only went there because they wanted to eat or get coffee.

If you, like me, are a writer, I recommend bringing your laptop and a hardcopy of a script to rest on your table.  If you, the struggling writer, can manage to bring your target, a struggling lit agent trying to meet new talent by appearing to look too busy to meet new talent, off his high horse, you are probably looking at a few Oscars and a five-bedroom home in the Palisades.  Score!  The hardcopy is to let the agent know that in addition to writing in public, you are writing movies, not books or blogs (ew, bloggers are so 2008).

If you are a girl writer and are considering sleeping with the agent for attention, I recommend you get his business card first and use your iPhone to check his LinkedIn profile.  There are a lot of mail room boys, junior agents and assistants that are not really looking for scripts.  They actually just want to sleep with you.  How rude!

If you do want to try the good food and coffee Urth has to offer, but don’t want to deal with the riff raff (or don’t enjoy v-neck shirts), I recommend showing up before they open and being there before 7am.  This will get you in before the first d-bags start rolling in, usually in work out clothes.  They are more reasonable than the afternoon or lunch crowd, but you’d better have an extensive knowledge of local Boot Camp locations and antioxidants in general.  If you get cornered, quickly change the subject to hand soap and tell them you love the Japanese Cherry Blossom variety from Bath and Body Works.  It’s fantastic.

219DPldjl+L._SL500_AA261_For a list of the other locations where you can comfortably (and safely) enjoy the high quality product Urth Caffe turns out, please visit their website HERE.

I would go there, but I am probably not cool enough to go there, being that I am a blogger and into things like “having a job” and “plain black coffee”.  Sadly, at 26, the world has passed me by.

2 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

2 responses to “You Are Dead to Me Urth Caffe.

  1. This was pretty damn awesome, and so spot on.

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