Etiquette of Facebook Relationships.

Facebooking new relationships can often seem enticing.  The feelings surrounding a new relationship lend themselves to exuberance.  Sometimes you want to run outside and shout to the city, “I am so excited this other human being wants to touch my private parts!”

I get it.

It is an achievement in human progress in and of itself to find another human that thinks you are so cool or smart or attractive or dick (if you are that girl) that they want to attach themselves to you in every way.  They want to sleep with you, eat with you, argue with you, make you buy them stuff and in return you have to do the same with them.

So where do you put all these feelings?  Your friends get tired of hearing about your new found love very quickly, so you probably stop talking about it.  After all, they initially are happy for you, but eventually it pisses them off due to one or more of the following reasons:

  1. They don’t really care about you.
  2. They cared a month ago, but now they’d like to focus on their own life.
  3. They only like hearing stories that they are characters in.
  4. They would rather be with someone like you have found.
  5. You are not seeing that you are getting used and you friend does and is tired/feels bad about telling you.
  6. They once had sex with who you are now having sex with.
  7. They have fantasized about having sex with who you are having sex with.
  8. They are grossed out by the fact you would consider having sex with who you are having sex with.
  9. They hate who you are having sex with on a personal level.
  10. They are jealous that you have someone to have sex with.
  11. They want to have sex with you themselves, but feel that is a difficult conversation to strike up.

So with all these things preventing you from telling the world over and over again how excited you are, you need somewhere to put it (that’s what she said).  That place is Facebook.

They want you to put it there.  They give you awesome options like stating you are “In a Relationship” and who that relationship is with.  It’s there for everyone to see.  There are lots of fun things in internet history that have happened since Facebook allowed us to become a public shit show.  Here are some:

  1. Girls enter relationships with their female best friends to show other men how hot they are and also to subconsciously attract attention at the thought they might in reality be two really hot lesbians.
  2. Straight men enter relationships with each other to show girls they are comfortable with their sexuality and also prepare future girlfriends for the fact they will probably make these girls watch them do crazy stuff like “watch football” and “drink beer” when the girls wished they would ditch the bromance and “take walks” and “eat dinner”.
  3. Awkward boy/girl friends enter “open relationships” for the world to see.  The girl is happy because it allows her to feel like there is one guy who loves her, empowering her to not date said guy and go for a different guy who probably is a “firefighter” or “rides motocross”.  The boy will do this in the hopes he is cock-blocking the “firefighter” when in reality his is protecting her from other “barnacles” attaching to her.

There is an alternative which I support.  This is simply leaving the ambiguous “in a relationship” status up.  This way, people know you can get a partner, your current partner knows you aren’t doing anything wrong or falsely advertising freedom and you can get some satisfaction knowing people have to stalk you REALLY hard to see what he/she looks like and if you are “settling” or “overachieving”.

I also recommend setting your photo albums to private, or even just limiting them to people who see you on a regular basis via a list.  The reason I say that is you are seriously at risk.  While you think the world loves you and your mate for being the “cool and comfortable” couple, your over-posting of cutesy pictures together has left literally a horde like diaspora of users hoping you both mysteriously vanish on your amazing “trip to Bali” that you have been bombarding the news feed with for the five months since you first booked your airfare.

If you limit the amount of people who can stalk your relationship easily, you help society by allowing them to just feel good for you instead of doubting you or hating you.

Even a guy like me who has a blog and tons of people (especially in Boston) hating him, keeps my photos private and for friends only.  This is because I know the people stalking me do it out of love.  Also, I am a part of a strange and exotic cult and they do not allow me to post pictures to a public forum.


Having been president of my high school, an advertising producer and a blogger, I know for a fact that when you feel like the world loves you, there are twice as many people that hate you, some so much that they literally hope you have diarrhea for the rest of your life.

Do yourself a favor and keep Facebook classy.  Or find a girl who doesn’t have internet access.


1 Comment

Filed under Rants and Musings

One response to “Etiquette of Facebook Relationships.

  1. Rose

    Dear Z,

    I love you. The semester just ended, and I caught up on necessary reading. I want my hour and a half back. You are hilarious.

    love rose

    ps-hate mail is my FAVORITE. I love it. The very fact that you piss off people on a bi-coastal basis should be rewarding in and of itself. Kudos, amigo.

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