The Three Wolf Miracle Shirt.

I haven’t blogged this yet because, as is the case with most Internet kitsch or memes, they are old news before the populous gets a hold of them.  This is probably because once we have found something, enjoyed it, and passed it on to a few friends, we’re ready to wipe it and flush it.  The simple act of seeing someone catching on to something two months after you have already gotten over it arouses contempt in most humans, sort of the way begging to not get a speeding ticket arouses contempt in cops.

Good examples of things we’ve shown other people, then had to watch the world discover painfully slowly include “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” and “Stuff White People Like” and “I Can Haz Cheeseburger” and “David Goes to the Dentist”.  Most recently you might have noticed people slowly catching onto “Texts From Last Night” and “Awkward Family Photos”.

Okay, so Awkward Family Photos will always be awesome.  But you get my point.  The world creates and destroys pop culture as fast as Pac Man eats all those Vicodin and Zanax they put in his glowing cage (yes, they are drugs he’s eating).

Not wanting to be the guy showing you shit you already have seen, I have held off on showing you something organic and hilarious on the internet because as a rule, when the LA Times writes an article about it, it has been around for a bit.

But this has been passed around work and the more people I show, the more I realize maybe you haven’t seen the phenominon.  Maybe you need to be brought to justice.  So if you have seen this, you are welcome for reminding you about it.  And if you haven’t seen it, I hope you have your credit card handy.  You may want to order a baker’s dozen of these hot tickets.

the shirt comes in cocaine white and black tar heroin.

the shirt comes in cocaine white and black tar heroin.

I give you, the Three Wolf T-Shirt.  The staple of Nascar fans’ closets the world around and brought to you by a mysterious company called “the Mountain”.  This shirt is totally awesome and has three wolves howling at the moon.

This t-shirt is made from a 50/50 blend of cotton and Oxycontin and is available in all sizes as long as they are XL or above.  This is because anything smaller wouldn’t show off “them wolves”.

Anyway, this shirt is on the web for sale and has become Amazon’s TOP SELLER.  Seriously.  Most popular t-shirt on the planet right now.  It makes me think the South is going to rebel again and they are buying this t-shirt in bulk to wear as uniforms, in which case we should probably all join them and get our hands on one of these bad boys.

The best thing about this shirt on Amazon, and the real reason it is so damn popular, is the comments section.  People are writing reviews that are hysterical and that I am in awe of.  I have nothing on most of these responses.  I probably need to buy some Three Wolves shirts, grind them up, and drink them in my coffee for a month to tap into the awesome I’ll need to post my own review.

Here are some sample responses:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.


Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.

CLICK HERE to go to the site and waste five hours reading other net aficionados like we are going to town on this shirt.  Until then, all your base are belong to us.


1 Comment

Filed under Products and Advertising

One response to “The Three Wolf Miracle Shirt.

  1. The best part is the items features in the “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” section.

    Currently it includes a gallon of milk, Zubaz pants, a book about Joe the Plumber, and a book called “How to Live with a Huge Penis.”

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