Hating on Bill Simmons.

There is a document written somewhere and it has been copied line by line into the DNA of all men.  Think of this document as sort of a Guy’s Guy Code of things we all must like and hate.   This is for a real man’s man.  The kind of man that “complains about work” but “likes the feeling of getting things done”.  The guy who “talks shit about the designated hitter” and “thinks steroids are ruining the game”.  This guy loves things like “nachos” and “chicken wings” and secretly feels his heterosexuality is in question anytime he doesn’t order a “Bud” and opts for a “Blue Moon”.  This is the guy who refuses to make fun of “golf” because it is a “relaxing thing to do with a few cold ones”.  This guy is obligated to check out co-eds when they walk by at places like the “mall” and say things like “man, I don’t need that right now”.

Somewhere in this document, men also are coded to HAVE to like Bill Simmons, ESPN’s “The Sports Guy”.  First off, Bill and I both went to the same hair stylist on Beverly Blvd. and I have to be honest, she would always tell me I reminded her of him.  She had no idea about the man code and who Bill was.  So before I start, let me say I have myself fallen guilty for loving Bill’s words from time to time.  He is funny.  He likes pop culture.  And sports.  And drawing references between them.

The thing is, once Boston started winning things like Super Bowls and World Series’ and NBA Titles, Bill Simmons became every other homer.  Let me be the first to say it, Bill Simmons writing from Los Angeles is as ridiculous as me writing this blog from Boston.  Bill may work for E-S-P-N but really, he works for B-O-S-T-O-N.

bill+simmons

I loved his steroid article recently, about going to the ballgame with his son in the future.  I really felt it and there was some of that great writing I used to like.  I let it go for a while and then today decided to read his wrap-up of Game Two of the NBA Finals.

What.  A.  Whiner.   Here, disguised as a complaint about a boring series, is a Boston Celtics fan trying his best not to puke in his mouth.  So instead, he pukes on his keyboard and I get stuck eating it because I can’t help myself.  I am not half the writer Bill is, but I do know what sour grapes are.  Sour grapes built this blog, but then again I don’t work for E-S-P-N.  I work for M-Y-S-E-L-F.

I am cutting and pasting some excerpts from his editorial WHICH YOU CAN READ BY CLICKING HERE and giving it my hate mail treatment.  Enjoy.

At halftime of Game 2 of the 2009 NBA Finals on Sunday night, I wrote the following Tweet: “Look out 2007 Finals — your ‘most unwatchable NBA Finals ever’ title is officially in jeopardy!”

sbl-super-bowl-bill-simmons-jamie-mottram

Translation:  I am pissed the Celtics didn’t make it, therefore, this is unwatchable.  Further, accepting the Celtics were a one-and-done and the Lakers are on the verge of their 4th title this decade is really, really hurting your ladybits.

Nelson bricks both freebies, followed by a great “What the eff was that?” face from Hedo Turkoglu. Hedo might have the best “What the eff was that?” face in sports right now. And really, that’s the only time you will ever see the words “best” and “face” in the same sentence as “Hedo.”

Hehe, Hedo is ugly.  I agree with this.  I love Bill Simmons.  I should retweet this…  Fuck.  My Guy’s Guy DNA kicked in.  Must…  Resist…  Snarky…  Sportswriting…

That reminds me: If you ever want to fluster a Lakers fan, make fun of Bynum’s $64 million extension signed in November and ask them if they wish they had a mulligan on that one. You will hear more stammering than you heard for two hours in “Sling Blade.”

Awesome movie reference, Bill.  Another way to hear stammering is to ask a Celtics fan if they think Kevin Garnett will ever be the same after breaking down in the home stretch.

Six straight points for Lamar Odom. I’m not sure if the Lakers are the best team of 2008-09, but when Odom shows up, they are. If that makes sense. Now we just need to figure out the right candy-related nickname for him. I vote for Gummy Bear.

Not sure if the Lakers are the best team?  Well, if they win two more, they are.  Bullshit pot shots like that will not heal Kevin Garnett’s knees, Bill.

OK, is anyone else secretly excited for “The Superstars” just to see if Robert Horry’s clutch powers can be replicated on reality TV? (Waiting.) Nobody? Nobody’s excited about this? It’s just me?

It’s not a secret anymore, Bill.  You just told us you are excited.  And yes, it is just you.

Fifth foul on Bynum, followed by JVG saying, “I’m not sure that’s a good thing for Orlando.” Sixty-four million, everybody! (Could I be a more bitter Celtics fan who can’t stop thinking about how a healthy Celtics team should have gone back to back? No. I couldn’t. It has ruined my summer. I am “Mel Gibson’s wife after finding out that Mel knocked up his new Russian girlfriend”-level bitter.)

At least you admit it.  Took you about 2500 words.  But honestly, do you really think a healthy Celtics team was getting by anyone?  I don’t know, maybe a healthy Lakers team last year would have gotten by a Celtics team that pretended the weren’t healthy.  Cough, cough, Paul Pierce, cough.

Are NBA players in denial when they commit fouls, or did they make a secret pact to complain after every foul and anyone who doesn’t will be made an outcast by the other players? I know the refs are bad, but holy crap — when’s the last non-Brian Scalabrine time you saw someone commit a foul in an NBA game and then admit that he did it?

Stop talking about the Celtics.  They are in Hawaii faking jellyfish stings.  I mean honestly, is this a Celtics fan talking about flopping and complaining?  I just puked in my mouth a little bit.

Redick just nailed a corner 3 for his first points tonight. Tie game. Give me Morrison’s reaction on the Lakers’ bench! Give it to me! (Waiting.) DAMN YOU, ABC!!!!!

Haha, fair enough.  That’d have been funny.

Funniest moment of the game: Kobe storms back to the bench, whacks the chair in disgust and sits down as Phil Jackson (already sitting) looks at him with a bemused, “Should I point out to him that MJ absolutely would have passed there?” smile on his face. Classic.

I like this game.  MJ would have beaten the Celtics last year.  Paul Pierce would have fallen to the ground, clutched his knees, taken a wheelchair to the tunnel, then turned around and caught fire.

Lewis makes a crazy 3-pointer. L.A. by three. Lewis’ line: 34 points, 11 rebounds and seven assists. The entire city of Seattle will now try to light itself on fire … and fail, because it’s raining.

Shit, I am starting to like Simmons again…

2 Comments

Filed under boston sucks, Lake Show, Rants and Musings

2 responses to “Hating on Bill Simmons.

  1. Shit. Me TOO.

    Having met BS i can say hes actually pretty cool mainly because he doesnt let peeps like PEPPER (BLANK) bullshit him — he def calls people out…and hes sorta….kinda…just a little bit….funny

    BUT FUCKING BOSTON SIMMONS

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