Tim Burton is Nearing His Goal of Ruining Another Thing You Used to Love.

alice-topper

There is a formula in Hollywood that must be working.  If you have a property from the past that involves children, creepy children, creepy creatures, creatures and Halloween or anything you’d dress up as on Halloween, then as a studio exec, you must offer this project to Tim Burton.  If you offer it to Tim Burton, you must let Helena Bonham Carter, his fiance, play a role where she goes out of her way to not be attractive.  Also, you will need to find a way to put Johnny Depp in a role that will magically change him from being every girl’s ultimate sex fantasy and every guy’s hero to some powdery-faced version of a pedophile intent on lowering the world’s sperm count with awkwardness.

When I heard a while back they were doing a remake of Alice and Wonderland, I knew in my heart that Tim Burton would be making it and Depp would be the Mad Hatter, Helena Bonham Carter would play someone ugly and possibly Christina Ricci would show up as a half-naked bat with a large forehead.  Save the Ricci part, I think I am vindicated.  (side note, Christina, I am sorry.  I liked you in Speed Racer when you said “cool beans”, but made it all sexual.  I am pretty sure that was an acting choice you made for me.  So thanks.)

michael jackson meets willy wonka?  michael wonka = best porn name ever.

michael jackson meets willy wonka? michael wonka = best porn name ever.

There must be something between the lines for this formula of Tim Burton films I am not seeing.  All I can tell is that Burton gets off seeing his fiance in weird, creepy outfits.  Most of us ask our girlfriends to dress up as nurses or cheerleaders on our birthdays.  Burton clearly asks Helena to dress as things like “ape covered in hair holding a gun” and “old woman with black goo oozing through her teeth”.  To each his own, bro.

honey?  mind having a huge bald head on a child's body?  i really like that.

honey? mind having a huge bald head on a child's body? i really like that.

Anyway, the makeup and sets for the new Alice in Wonderland flick are being leaked and I hate to say it all looks cool, except I know this will be to the cartoon what the new Willy Wonka was to the original:  an unneccesary remake that makes me feel like I just had an acid flashback.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Me?  I will get my Depp on at Public Enemies and keep it real with Michael Mann and his magic trick where he shoots half the film on a Mini DV camera and you wonder how it is possible the film cost so much.

getting the ricci treatment.

getting the ricci treatment.

For all you Burton lovers, keep in mind Batman and Edward Scissorhands were a billion years ago.  Would you worship the first kid who got facial hair in middle school TODAY for the fact that he got lots of girls in 8th grade?  No you wouldn’t.  Tim has got to earn it again.

1 Comment

Filed under Rants and Musings

One response to “Tim Burton is Nearing His Goal of Ruining Another Thing You Used to Love.

  1. Hopefully he hadn’t abused his sons yet and they’ll be safe now.

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