Los Angeles, we have some work to do. Dodgers center fielder Matt Kemp has been selected as on of the Final Vote candidates for the All Star Game in St. Louis. Matt has never been to the ASG before, and for once, we can help him here. We have to. All of us have 25 votes at our disposal. We can each vote twenty-five times. I already have and now I am asking you, my loyal readers and co-pilots of the city to rally behind Matt Kemp, who in my mind is more powerful than a locomotive and more awesome than stealing from a tip jar.
I don’t want to go so far as to classify this as a man crush, but check this dude out. Besides making more money than a lot of CEOs, this guy plays pro ball and definitely hits a lot more than fastballs (know what I mean?). Pretty much if you show up at a bar with Matt Kemp, he picks out what girl he wants and you pick from the other 200 in line. Girls buy Matt Kemp drinks. Kobe Bryant would give him the game winning shot.
I wasn’t even kidding. Check it out. Amare kicks it with Matt Kemp. That’s because Matt had a full ride to Oklahoma to play basketball, but he decided it’d be cooler to play centerfield and be awesome basically 24/7. I am not kidding, one time I saw Matt Kemp make a diving catch at Dodger Stadium and drain a three at Staples Center at the exact same time. It was crazy. Alyssa Milano was so stoked she spontaneously gave birth to Blake DeWitt’s child and I am pretty sure they have never even met. This is the kind of magic Matt Kemp brings to the ballpark. This is why he must be an All-Star.
Here’s Matt Kemp taking out Chase Utley just for being all “fancy”. This wasn’t even during a game. Utley was going out to get some very unattractive girl’s phone number and Matt just came flying out of the dugout and tackled him. Matt beat him up and actually was doing him a favor. Utley was a Bruin, so that’s why he needed some help. Thanks to Matt Kemp, Utley married a way better girl and won a World Series. That’s because when you get hit by Matt Kemp, a little Matt Kemp stays with you. Like a vampire when he bites you. Chase Utley, former Bruin, now a dude who wins titles.
Matt Kemp isn’t always about saving people. Sometimes he’s about freaking out on people. Check this out. Yorvit Torrealba asked Matt Kemp to strike out on purpose because he was worried if he didn’t catch a good game, they’d send him down to the minors for having a name as stupid as Yorvit. Matt Kemp doesn’t throw a game for anyone. So this is what happened. Mariano Duncan and Todd Helton couldn’t stop the rage from burning up to the surface. Yorvit has been hitting .231 ever since.
(side note, Torreabla’s son was abducted this year, but is home safe now. Matt Kemp was not involved in the incident, but he did say if he had known about it, he’d have started killing random farmers in Venezuela until the abductors were brought to justice)
Matt Kemp plays the game right. He plays it with joy. Check this picture out above. This wasn’t even from a big win. In fact, this is him celebrating with a fan after losing both games of a double header against the Florida Marlins on a Tuesday night. Matt Kemp wants to party with you. He wants to party so bad he sweats Patron tequila.
So long story short, don’t let Pablo Sandoval, a fat dude from San Francisco beat our our Matty. Don’t let Shane Victorino, the Cryin’ Hawaiian take out our hometown hero. We all need to take the time and vote for Matt.
Or we will have let the terrorists win.