Depending on how “into” the internet you are, at some point in the last couple years you heard about this sweet, sexy thing going on out there on the World Wide Web called Twitter. It’s natural if you ignored it. It’s as natural as when ostriches bury their heads in the sand and stick their asses way up in their air like they just don’t care.
But then time passed. You started hearing more and more. What is the “Fail Whale”? Why is Anderson Cooper promoting his Twitter account? What’s the deal with all the #hashtags and @symbols?
Then you heard old guys at the gym talking about “tweeting” and you didn’t know if it was some drug term from the Woodstock days or if they were about to do some really, really naughty stuff in the sauna.
You got really, really pissed off for no reason. You got angry. Why the hell do I need to learn another damn thing on the computer. First it was Prodigy, then it was Compuserve, then AOL. And right when I got good at AOL, right when I learned to trade pornographic jpegs, impersonate moderators and pirate Leisure Suit Larry PC games, I find out about this whole “internet” thing. So now I need to learn what is Lycos and what is Excite and Yahoo and Alta Vista and then they spring Google on me. Now AOL isn’t cool. Now I need to get rid of my mIRC clients and PowWow and ICQ. Wait, now AIM is free and there are like ten programs you can use for it? Dude, you don’t have to pay for music anymore? Napster is awesome! Oh. Napster is illegal? What do I put on my iPod then? Oh, iTunes is reasonably priced and LimeWire is getting harder to search and people who use Torrent technologies piss me off. Wow, MySpace is cool. Oh, Facebook is pretty limited. MySpace is getting annoying. I am pretty sure I am looking at kiddie porn. Kiddie porn with little digital snowflakes trickling down the page. It froze Firefox. Facebook is suddenly more interesting. Let’s see which of my ex-lovers got fat. Couples sure take a lot of the same stupid ass kissy face photos. What character on Sex in the City are you most like? Scrabbulous! Oh they got sued. Drag. Oh, wait! They are back! Over it. Mafia Wars, bitches! I never knew how many people had food blogs. What’s this Kogi Truck thing? I have to find it on Twitter? Twitter is on an iphone?
You just didn’t want to learn one more thing. You wanted it to be stupid so badly. Unfortunately for you, Korean tacos where just too much to resist. You had to check out Twitter. And you did.
And it looked like puke to you. All this thing does is let you post a status, pictures and stuff I already do on Facebook? This is what all the fuss is about? Has the world gone mad?
Not really. Twitter won’t be the last new thing we all need to learn, but it constitutes something important. It’s a real shift. It is honest. It is essentially a search engine that searches what random assholes are saying. Ironically, the Anti-Twitter Guy is usually an asshole. Let me clarify things. Anti-Twitter Guy isn’t someone who ignores Twitter or tries in and just prefers not to use it. He’s content letting ESPN tell him in the morning what @TheRealShaq is tweeting.
The Anti-Twitter Guy is the guy that randomly is so angry whenever someone talks about Twitter that you kind of think he’s got some real deep-seeded issues. How could he be this mad at something he doesn’t need to use? It seems to piss him off that there now exists a place between the digital vomit of the Facebookosphere and the blog universe. Twitter is a place where people can blog about their life, let you know about something they found and think is cool, or talk about news without having to compete with long-winded champions of prose like myself.
Isn’t it okay that some of us just want to share a piece of beef jerky with one another instead of cooking a steak au poivre or worse, not eating at all?
It’s a fun time, Anti-Twitter Guy. You don’t have to hate on the little blue bird. It’s not shitting in your picnic basket. I am just reaching out to you because I don’t think you understand the ramifications of your actions. You are projecting a lot to the world. For one, you are saying “I hate new things” and “I hate to learn”. As much as women love the asshole (the character trait, not the body part), they also secretly know that they have every intention of changing you the moment they land you. Maybe not a lot, but just enough to feel like they have made their mark on you. I have always thought of the male/female parallel. Men like to show their man friends they have a hot/cute/attractive girl. Women like to show their lady friends how well they have trained us. Come to think of it, we menfolk may be losing the battle of the sexes. This is another blog post…
Anti-Twitter Guy should learn from the similar, but different Ambivilent-To-Twitter Guy. This guy, when approached about Twitter, says things like “Twitter? I can barely work my toaster!” This is not true. Ambivilent-To-Twitter Guy is telling you is that “he’s just not that interested and he hopes to high heaven a discussion about Twitter doesn’t begin or he will probably ceremonially disembowel himself in the way of the ancient samurais of the Sengoku Jidai period in feudal Japan”. That’s seppuku, bitches.
They say that a really strong negative reaction is the same as a really strong positive reaction. In a weird way, Anti-Twitter Guy may have some built up latent crushing going on for the Twitter world. All I can say is, relax. You don’t have to do it. You can ignore it. By being so angry, all you are doing is telling your friends you think they are idiots for using it.
But let’s be honest. Do you need Twitter as a reason to call your friends idiots? Probably not.