It’s hard to hate on St. Louis. Most people from St. Louis are good people from the midwest. I once had a client in St. Louis and they were all really great people. Freakishly great, actually. They are probably reading this and I am sorry in advance. Why am I sorry in advance?
Because despite the good people, the good food, the good beer, the good work ethic and despite the quality and traditional merits of the St. Louis Cardinals as a legacy and an organization, I am going to attempt to pump up my fellow Dodger fans with one simple statement:
“Hey St. Louis. Go fuck yourself.”
That’s right! That just happened, St. Louis. You want to know what my ass and your baseball team have in common? They both have Pujols.
Also. Look at this guy. His batting stance looks like he needs to drop a deuce. Coincidence? Not at all.
What’s with the mustaches guys? Are you hoping a porn breaks out?
Toasted Ravioli? Okay, that stuff is good. I apologize for that dig, although in fairness if you eat too much toasted ravioli it can be pretty hard on your Pujols.
Also, let’s get down to brass tacks. Speaking of Pujols, do we want to leak his steroid use now or in the off season? Is he really going to be the only giant home run hitting monster to NOT be on steroids? If it came out today that he was eating horse pills, would that shock you at all? The good news is it’s not that bad. After Gagne and Manny, the rest of us have already ripped the band-aid off. I just want to prepare you for reality.
Also, what’s with the Gateway Arch? Make a second one right next to it. Paint it yellow and you got the world’s largest McDonald’s sign. Only there’s no McDonald’s there. That’s bush league, St. Louis. If you are going to build the world’s biggest McDonald’s sign, at least have the common decency to finish building the adjacent world’s largest McDonald’s. I guess my dream of escaping the city via the Mississippi River on a giant Chicken McNugget will have to wait. Way to finish what you started St. Louis.
Also, what is up with your city’s flag? It’s got squiggly lines on it. Are those supposed to be the rivers that I can’t sail down on a giant Chicken McNugget you are too lazy to make me? Way to rub it in, St. Louis. I thought people from the midwest were supposed to be nice. Also, what’s with the Fleur de Lis. This super European. They don’t play baseball in Europe.
Wanna see a real flag? Check out the LA City Flag.
Deal with that, St. Louis. Look at that thing. It reminds me of Cool Runnings when I look at it. Have you ever not felt awesome watching Cool Runnings? Our flag could proudly be hung in the window of dorm rooms everywhere as it is equally great to look at under a blacklight. Learn to party St. Louis. And make me a big ass Chicken McNugget you lazy bastards.
That was a stretch, but let’s be honest. St. Louis is all right. I just don’t want to lose to them in this series. I really don’t.