Cry me a river, Adam. You were brilliant last night. For 8 innings, you were un-hittable. I told my father at the game it might have been the best performance by an opposing pitcher I’d seen at Dodger Stadium. You were doing all kinds of cool shit with that curveball. You were dirty as hell man. A real man on the mound.
So why did you act like you were auditioning for a Summer’s Eve commercial after the game? When you were asked about Matt Holliday pulling a Buckner and dropping a routine fly that would have ended the game, you didn’t take the high road or the low road. You took the Whiner Road:
He lost the ball in the 50,000 white towels shaking in front of his face,” starting pitcher and would-be hero Adam Wainwright said. “It doesn’t seem really fair that an opposing team should be allowed to shake white towels when there’s a white baseball flying through the air. Dodger blue towels — how about that?”
Blaming it on the towels? The towels that people have been waving at every playoff game for years? The towels being used the entire game? There were towels and 40 mph wind in Philly the other night and Jimmy Rollins still caught the ball. What would you know about balls, Adam? If you had them, you wouldn’t blame the towels.
Seriously, bro? Blaming the towels is like blaming the condom when you can’t get it up. That’s what you did Adam. You told Holliday the condom was the problem. Matt seemed okay. He said it was just a mistake. He lost it. No big deal. Adam, you acted like the kid in Little League that was such a whiner that he never got invited to birthday parties and if he did, it was because his mom was friends with the birthday boy’s mom. You know what happens when that kid grows up? He does great in a playoff came then blames the loss on the fans waving towels.
Don’t you know how it works, Adam? When you are an athlete, there are certain things you are supposed to say. Did you feel any pressure out there? I block everything out except the catcher’s mitt. What do you attribute your success to? God. Or Jesus, that works also. You really beat that team up. What do you think let you be so dominant? Well, first I want to thank God and Jesus and that is a heck of a ball club we played tonight.
And when they ask you about the dropped flyball to your stud outfielder? Baseball’s a funny game. We’ll come back at them on Saturday.
The only people who should get so excited about towels are the dudes who make the towel animals they put in your room on cruise ships.