How To Get Next Columbus Day Off.


It’s Columbus Day.  A lot of you did not get the day off for this.  That is unfortunate.  It may be too late for you this year, but I am going to cover you for 2010.  The following is a suggested note to print out and give to your boss.  FYI, the 2010 Columbus Day will be on October 11th.  Maybe just print this out now.

Dear [Boss’s Name]:

After checking our office’s Holiday Closing Schedule, it has come to my attention that we are not given Columbus Day off.  While I thoroughly enjoy working at [Company Name], I must voice my extreme disappointment that we are not celebrating this very important holiday.

One time my friend gave me the 20 dollar bill he owed me and I shoved it into this bitchin’ jean jacket I wore out (it was an 80s themed party and you know I love Bacardi).  Needless to say, I blacked out and slept with a total stranger.  This was good and bad.  It was good because she was super hot.  It was bad because she had the clap.  I went to the doctor.  I’m all good.  Don’t worry that you took a sip of my diet Dr. Pepper.  Even if I got the clap, I’m pretty sure you can’t transmit it via Dr. Pepper.  One of the 23 Flavors must be a clap vaccine or something.  Anyway, that girl came over to return the jean jacket and to watch SYTYCD (think Ellen will be any good?) and pretty much life went back to normal.

A year later I get invited to another 80s party, so I dig up the jacket and guess what?  I find 20 bucks in it!  I totally forgot I put it there and I was totally stoked to have remembered it was in the jean jacket!

This is kind of like Columbus Day.  When Chris sailed to America and got his colonizing on, everyone was like, “Awesome.  America is rad.  Let’s put Chicago over there in the middle.  Yeah, right next to the lakes that look like an upside-down pot leaf.”  Everyone was stoked.  They were like, let’s make a holiday.  And they did.

But like the 20 dollars in my awesome, sleeveless jean jacket, everyone forgot about it.  Nobody celebrates this holiday anymore and I think  we’re being pretty unpatriotic.  I for one am really glad Columbus took the time to create America.  After all, it was America who created the 80s and the 20 dollar bill I found in my awesome, totally-badass acid-washed jean jacket.

I am not Spanish, but I am pretty sure that girl was.  So was Columbus.  This isn’t a coincidence.  In fact, her ancestors might have come over on one of Columbus’ ships:  The El Nino, the Margarita or the Drunken Matador.

Who are we to claim Columbus’ journey is not worth observing his holiday?  If not for Columbus, would Pau Gasol have ever figured out how to find Los Angeles so Kobe could win another title and get the whole Shaq/rape scandal thing off of his back?  Probably not.  Where did Kobe get in trouble?  Colorado.  Who first made Columbus Day a state holiday?  Colorado.  Coincidence?  No way, Brofasaurus.

If we don’t celebrate Columbus Day, the terrorists have won.  Not on my fucking watch, [Boss’s Name].  You know I can’t let that happen.  Don’t worry.  [Insert Co-Worker Who Works on Your Account’s Name] has volunteered to cover my desk while I defend freedom in Manhattan Beach with some girls that supposedly go to USC (pretty sure they are in high school).

Thank you for your understanding and God Bless the United States of America,

[your name here]


1 Comment

Filed under Rants and Musings

One response to “How To Get Next Columbus Day Off.

  1. As an independent contractor fighting for truth & justice, I’m pretty sure I can just knock off a few hours early whenever I like, but I don’t have anybody to keep the streets safe if I don’t work. I don’t even get any lousy healthcare. So your letter might work if somebody has a big fancy job in a big building with windows and desks and everything, but for people who eke out a living from week to week, we are just SOL.

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