Dyson Needs to Cure Cancer Already.

Every time I get dragged into Bed Bath & Beyond, I end up walking by the vacuums and feeling very poor.  My Oreck hand-me-down gets the job done.  I know it is an expensive vacuum, but let’s be honest, it is old school.  When you go into the vacuum section, you want to buy a Dyson.  It just looks like it gets the job done.  Not just gets the job done, but does it the way Bruce Lee beat guys asses:  with cool noises and in a way you had never seen before.


Look at that thing.  If Batman spills coffee grinds on his marble floor, he uses this thing to clean up.  I am pretty sure when they diffuse a nuclear bomb, they use a Dyson to collect and contain the weapons grab plutonium extract.  It’s uncanny.

When you see a Dyson commercial, James Dyson is all “by using a ball instead of conventional wheels, you can turn easier” and so on and so forth.  Are the rest of us stupid?  Why aren’t the rest of us thinking about this stuff?  Everyone else is thinking wheels, Dyson is thinking balls.  That’s right.  I said it.


How about the Air Blade they whipped up?  They installed them at Dodger Stadium (and at CityWalk) and I got to come clean.  They actually worked.  The normal protocol for a hand dryer in a bathroom is as follows:

  1. Press the silver button.
  2. Put your hands under the metal spout.
  3. Rub them together.
  4. Give up in five seconds because these things work about as well as an 90 year old’s bladder.

The Air Blade?  It works.  It will actually dry your hands.  Even better, you don’t need to touch any buttons.  It’s clean.  It just turns on.  Like everything else, Dyson makes things that work.  They do it in a way we hadn’t thought of yet.


I give you the Dyson Air Multiplier.  Don’t you dare fucking call it a fan.  There are no blades.  No blades, Brolington.  It blows air without blades.  It doesn’t even make sense.  Here’s a video that tries to:

So how did this come about?  Dyson got mad about how fans spray uneven air flow into a room.  The other day I was made that I had to do laundry.  Know how I fought back against that anger?  I just went out and drank Scotch and forgot I had laundry.  You know what Dyson would have done in my situation?  He’d have invented a washing machine that uses urine to clean your clothes so now your washing machine is also your toilet.  In this economy, he’d be tired of wasting all our natural resources.

when you put it this way, i guess the standard fan's airflow has been the single reason my life sucked.

when you put it this way, i guess the standard fan's airflow has been the single reason my life sucked.

So here’s the point.  Why don’t we tell Dyson to cure cancer already?  Don’t you think if anyone could do it, this guy could?  The Dyson Cancer Ejector.  He’d do it and just give a quote like, “I became frusterated that people got cancer so I created a machine that eats it and uses the malignant material to build schools in third-world countries.”

So yeah.  He should get on that.


1 Comment

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One response to “Dyson Needs to Cure Cancer Already.

  1. Pingback: Tip ‘n’ Sip* | s i k k d a y s

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