You ever see how a moth gets attracted to the light on the porch? That’s kind of the way the Las Vegas Pool Party attracts everything that is wrong with society. Now look. I am not hating on wanting to show off your body. I am not hating on day drinking or drinking in bodies of water or showing off your body while drinking around people in a body of water. To understand what I am hating on, let’s take a giant step back.
Check out that picture above. Besides the obvious 11-1 awkward dude to girl ratio going on, let’s talk about the age demographic. It’s young. It’s college. This is essentially a college bar in the water. Now picture your local college bar. For me, it was the 9-0 (901 Club) on Figueroa. It was so gross in there that people told you not to wear your good shoes inside because they’d come out looking like chimney-sweeper’s ass.
So if someone asked me what would be the worst, most disgusting, horrible thing the management could do to the 9-0 that would make it unlivable, unconscionable and unsanitary, the answer would be simple: fill the whole fucking place with water.
It’s like swimming in a petri dish with strangers. Not just strangers, but strangers who wanted to get so drunk, bodily functions become uncontrollable, especially while submerged in lukewarm water in the company of surgically enhanced women. I get that there are hot girls there. There are hot girls at the post office also. Sometimes, they are at restaurants too. You can become urinate secretly in those places as well. Just putting it out there. Let it rip, America.
Here’s a wiki on all the waterborne diseases available in the liquids of today. Bill Nye the Vegas Pool Lover will retort with that’s why there is chlorine in the pool. A good thought, but let’s examine the amount of weapons grade chlorine they pump into the pool at Rehab in order to kill dysentery (after all, you’d imagine a lot of law suits if customers were reporting “frequent passage of feces with blood and/or mucus and in some cases vomiting of blood”).
Chlorine at high levels can cause the following effects:
- Allows toxins to be absorbed through skin
- Can irritate skin and trigger rashes, including eczema
- Can cause burning, itchy eyes
- Can trigger or aggravate a variety of bronchial problems, including asthma
- Possible association between chlorine exposure and certain types of cancer
- Has a bleaching effect on clothing and hair
Now I am not talking about chilling in a bungalow and getting wasted. I mean, there are a lot of places that are cheaper to get wasted in, but that’s neither here nor there. I am not talking about swimming. Swimming is awesome. I am talking about the adult water park situation. I suggest for single people an additional step for determining the “cleanliness” of your proposed mate: check their cabinet for the iconic plastic Rehab cup.
Okay. Last point, because I don’t want to be a buzzkill. I mean, if you love these pools, do what you love. Why listen to me? What do I know? I am a blogger who likes whiskey.
Frankly, the more people that leave LA to go to Vegas, the more room there will be at the whiskey bars. And a man like me needs to stretch his legs after a long day of not getting dysentery from a giant lukewarm swimming pool.
Quick, which one is a Vegas Pool Party, which is a still from the upcoming film 2012, and which is a city that just got hit by a hurricane:
Your Honor, I rest my case.
You tell me, Lost Angeles. If you ask me, if you feel the need to be half naked around strangers in the presence of skin bleaching chemicals, stand outside a day spa in Beverly Hills.