Steve Phillips is a baseball analyst for ESPN. He’s also the record-holder for “most times cheated on his wife without getting dumped”. Until now. Steve’s wife is filing for divorce. Why? Steve got caught making the sex with a 22 year old intern at ESPN. Then she decided to get all Fatal Attraction on Steve Phillips, who is apparently just too sexy not to stalk. This has led to death threats and all kinds of weirdness.
Lots of people cheat. It’s a pretty low thing to do. I don’t want to pass judgment, but let’s be honest, cheating is pretty low. Know why? It’s pretty easy not to cheat. If you are going home with someone, two seconds before you are about to make the sex, you can call your spouse and be like, “Imma let you finish, but I am about to sleep with the youngest chick of all time. Of all time!” In that scenario, you are an asshole. But you didn’t cheat.
Steve Phillips broke too many rules of extra-marital private parts karate. Here are some pictures to illustrate my point.
1. Don’t take a picture with someone you are sleeping with that isn’t your wife.
Really, Steve? Forget the fact that you are a millionaire. Forget the fact that I mistook this girl for a Van Halen roadie when I saw her. Forget the fact that you came out of cheating-on-my-wife retirement for this girl. How about don’t take a picture with her, Brofessor. When you do that, it is a guarantee that assholes like me will repost it and call your man card into question.
2. Don’t cheat with a girl that poses with Stormtroopers.
You can’t trust a Stormtrooper. You can’t trust Darth Vader. You can’t trust the girl that rolls with them. Didn’t you watch Empire Strikes Back? Dude. It wasn’t called Empire Sleeps With You And Never Tells Your Wife. Moron.
3. Don’t cheat with a girl who takes pictures in empty stadiums.
That’s a new rule based on this picture. Anyway, it gets worse. Check out the letter SHE MAILED HIS WIFE!!!
That’s great Steve. Now we all know about the “big birthmark on [your] crotch right above [your] penis”. I’m never watching Baseball Tonight again.