Guys, we’re totally fucked. I was sitting at my desk today drinking espresso and listening to some bossanova inspired smooth jazz when my coworker sent me an article that has me terrified. I literally almost spilled espresso on my ultra fancy, loose-fitting linen drawstring pants that I like to wear to the office on chilly days just to keep things interesting. Why was I so frightened?
The Super Shark.
I wouldn’t fuck with a tiny shark. I definitely wouldn’t mess with a bigger shark. A great white shark? No way! But the Super Shark will fuck with anyone, anytime.
The Super Shark exists. By the look of the bite it took out of this great white shark, it’s clear we’re dealing with a real deal ocean murderer. Get this, they find the shark pictured above (well, half a shark) near a place in Australia called Deadman’s Beach. They say the Super Shark is over 20ft long. That’s almost 3 Michael Jordans in length. The previous largest shark was 1 Michael Jordan, a Pete Carroll and a stack of 15 Pop Tarts.
So what is pissing off the Super Shark so much that he is eating other sharks? What has made him be a cannibal? I went undercover and found lots of clues. For one, the Blockbuster Video – Deadman’s Beach location told me that recently the Super Shark had rented Silence of the Lambs. Two days later, he was back renting Red Dragon, Hannibal and Man Hunter (the old Michael Mann version of Red Dragon with the dude from CSI and the other dude from Super Troopers). Clearly his cannibalistic whistle had be wet, or whet. That always confuses me. Like when people pronounce the “H” in the word “white”.
Perhaps it was the Super Shark’s love life that turned him to bloody mania. Rumors of a relationship between he and a sexy sea turtle were proved true upon news of their breakup. Apparently, the Super Shark was always moving, which pissed off the Sea Turtle, who was “looking for a man who didn’t require constant motion to get air in his gills”. The Super Shark was later seen at the Great Barrier Reef (the nightclub, not the actual reef) drinking a seemingly endless deluge of Washington Red Apples and demanding the bartender play Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” on a continuous loop.
After 2.5 hours, the bartender (a starfish named George Washington — yes, it’s just a coincidence) demanded the Super Shark leave. Washington claimed it was scary to tell a 20 foot shark to leave, but in the end he felt another hour of Michael Bolton would kill him anyway. Getting eaten just sounded like a cooler way to go.
The Super Shark later swam into a school of fish and just started eating everything in sight screaming cryptic taunts like “sushi” and “sashimi”. A marlin who wouldn’t disclose his name was quoted as saying, “The whole situation was really fucked up. He didn’t even seem hungry. He was clearly just being a dick. He kept yelling ‘om nom nom nom’. I’m still bent out of shape.”
Some people believe the whole thing is a publicity stunt and Super Shark is looking for Hollywood dollars by way of a motion picture deal, but friends of the Super Shark say that it’s unlikely. The reality is, this case is probably related to heartbreak.
If you are in Australia, watch your ass.