Halloween Changes As You Age.

Halloween is a kids holiday, right?  Kind of.  I mean, Halloween serves a lot of functions.  Depending on what age you are, Halloween can cause a variety of strange events or circumstances to occur.  Today, I wanted to get into Halloween a little bit.  Let’s just do it.

When you are a kid, Halloween is totally fucking bat shit awesome.  You get to do the most ridiculous list of things that you are not allowed to do on other nights.  Kids get to:

  • stay out late with their friends
  • scare the shit out of old people
  • scare the shit out of people and demand candy
  • eat so much candy you almost die
  • throw eggs, toilet paper and shaving cream at everyone all the time
  • dress however the fuck you want to school

When you are a teenager, Halloween goes a little further.  It is in the pimpled throws of adoslescence when you can:

  • wear a mask and call it a costume
  • beat the shit out of little kids
  • ring doorbells for candy to refuel after beating up little kids
  • trash the houses of people you don’t like

captain jack douchebag (sorry actor in costume website. i know it's just a paycheck. still, you didn't need to throw that smile out there)

Halloween gets awesome once  you hit college.  That is when you really appreciate it that you can:

  • use your metabolism to wear costumes like “spartan from 300” or “braveheart” and not look really fat like you will in only five short years
  • fully experience the full array of girls wearing lingerie and animal ears dressed as creatures known as “slutty mouse” and “whore cat”
  • forget the annoying candy part because there are no kids anywhere near you
  • dress as a pirate and actually use real rum as a prop
  • sleep with someone and never call them because there were at least ten people you know at the party dressed as jack sparrow and you’ve been needing a slump buster

When you hit the workforce, Halloween gets older and younger at the same time.  You work in an office, which is like a school.  If your office is into dressing up, you better get with the program dude.  At the same time, you get to freak out a lot less now and this is a big chance to get your game on.  You will get to:


you were the man, heath. the 2,000,000 peeps dressed like you playing Joker need to limit their numbers.

  • finally see the secretary and what she is working with
  • see how many of your friends are still having trouble getting over heath ledger dying (30 guys, 27 Joker costumes)
  • weed out people you will never have sex with (people in iPhone costumes)
  • get to drink jungle juice again and then remember why you stopped sometime in college
  • go on Facebook and see 90 percent of the girls you know, have met or have randomly friend-ed basically naked for free
  • find out how many people are a little too obsessed with their dogs (they don’t know what Halloween is, sicko)
  • dress like a 1970s gym teacher with bad intentions (if you are me)Picture_1_bigger

When you get older and have kids, you will get the pleasure of:

  • leaving the house at night without your wife yelling at you
  • knowing for certain your doorbell still works
  • look at pictures of when you were young enough to dress as “whore cat”
  • take pictures of your kids that one day they can use to show their high school girlfriends how cute they were and hopefully parlay that into getting to second base (and god willing legging it out for a triple)
  • ignore good parenting and let your kid eat so much candy they pass out from over-caffeination affording you and your spouse the time to try on your ill-fitting “spartan from 300” and “whore cat” costumes for a quick roll in the hay in time to catch Leno

The ultimate joy comes when you reach an advanced age.  Even if you have your faculties about you and even if you like kids, you finally can:

  • hand out pennies because people did it to you and it’s payback time, assholes





Filed under Rants and Musings

2 responses to “Halloween Changes As You Age.

  1. There’s also the Halloweens in between the last two where we get to see the fruit of our loins dress as slutty whores and 70’s pimps and post their pictures on facebook because for some cruel reason we’ve friended each them and now we cringe every time we open our news feed.

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