Puckerooms Are Not Fit For Children.

Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I love candy.  It’s a food group for me.  It didn’t matter when I learned to cook and started enjoying the variety of culinary gifts this world has to offer.  I could make homemade gnocchi or bagels or stuffed pork chops or steak au poivre.  None of it changes anything.  I love candy.

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People who lived with me in college witness my dorm room where I had a drawer filled with Skittles purchased with unused dining dollars.  I don’t mean bags of Skittles.  You opened the drawer and (above picture) is what you saw.  I would write for hours and just go on sugar/caffeine/nicotine benders the likes of which have never been seen.  I was Beavis when he became the Great Cornholio.  I have told my cousin (we lived together downtown at a time when malt liquor and Skittles sounded like a balanced dinner) that there is not currently a bag in existence of Skittles that I cannot finish in one sitting.  During my marathon running days I could eat and metabolize an entire family size bag instantaneously.  They do not have the technology to contain me.

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So, me and Lamar Odom are on the exact same page.  Same paragraph even.  I get it.  Candy is rad.  Halloween for me as a kid felt the same way Thanksgiving feels for me now.  All that said, there’s a reason I just went 1000 words on my love of candy.  That’s because I want you all to understand how crazy it is that I am about to come on the record and throw a big WTF to my peeps at Wonka.  I’m sorry, but it has to be done.

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Really, guys?  Puckerooms?  Might as well call these things Peckerooms.  Look at these things.  They are straight up gummy penises.  I saw these last night with my girlfriend at the supermarket and I laughed for ten minutes before becoming really afraid for the youth of today. There are few things that would make me more uncomfortable then watching a child eat a grape Puckeroom.  I’d probably rock a citizen’s arrest on the parent who gave him one.

Honestly, how on earth do these things pass all tests en route to becoming a product?  Wonka makes some awesome stuff like Nerds.  They are usually smart.  When they first saw the drawings, no one said anything.  Maybe when they built the giant machines they use to mass produce these?  There had to be one guy working on the plant watching gel poured into thousands of corn starch mold who said to his fellow worker:

“Hey, Bob.  These things kinda look like cocks, don’t they?”

“Quiet, Jim.  I really need this job.  My kid needs braces.”

“I know times are tough, Bob, but honestly we’re making gummy dicks.  I don’t know.  Just kind of thought my life would have turned out different you know?”

“Shut up, Jim.  I’m sick of this Commie shit.  Would I rather work at Jelly Belly?  Yeah.  I would.  They’re brilliant.  But Wonka pays the bills, got it?  If they want me to make gummy dicks, I’ll make gummy dicks.”

“I was just saying…  I know times are tough, but I feel like a creep.”

“I’m going to kill you, Jim.”

And scene.  Sorry, just got lost in the show.  That’s what happens when you have to point out the obvious to the universe.

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So other than for a bachelorette party or the Erotic L.A. convention, I am not sure where these things fit in.  Maybe when Khloe wants to really get Lamar in the mood?  I don’t know.  I’m at a loss.  What do you guys think?

29 Comments

Filed under Products and Advertising

29 responses to “Puckerooms Are Not Fit For Children.

  1. jKim

    A sure fire way to gain admittance to the ATE. Any time. Anywhere. Any occasion.

  2. taysmy

    i’ll give you a gummy dick

  3. ths

    i think the crazier question would be, since when do kids enjoy eating mushrooms? i mean i understand teenagers wanting to buy “shroom” candy, but c’mon, i am pretty sure when i was a wee-lad i wouldnt go within a city block of a mushroom.

  4. Chris

    All I can say is they taste really good. Who cares the shape as long as they aren’t actually something vulgar like penises or whatever comes to mind, but they are in the shape of mushrooms. For you to complain about what they look like is crazy cause who wants to eat worms or bears for that matter. It’s just a shape, get over it.

  5. Jen

    I laughed my way all through the bag

  6. Jeff

    Give me a break. They look like mushrooms. You would probably be offended if someone gave your kids a pickle or a carrot because they look like penises. I think you think way too much about penis.

  7. Nick

    Anyone who thinks that these resemble gummy penises is just a trying to find something to rant about and make a big deal. If ANYTHING these candies closely resemble magic mushrooms(psilocybin cubensis).

  8. Beardo

    Immediately burst out laughing upon seeing these at a local Target. Then promptly bought a bag and ate them. If all dicks tasted like that I’d probably be a homo.

  9. steve

    dude get a grip, they don’t even look like dicks, when I saw them I thought they were marketing drugs, not male parts.

  10. Amelia

    We sell these where I work. I know they look like penises, but they’re SO GOOD!

  11. Christa

    Heh, well, one thing that wasn’t pointed out was the fact that actual mushrooms looks like penises anyway. They aren’t identical, if I saw a mushroom, I’d know it’s a mushroom, and the same for a penis (well, in most cases). True there aren’t a lot of kids who like to actually eat mushroom, but the point of it is supposed to be that they’re gross. They were marketed together with another gummy called Sluggles or something like that, in the shape of various slugs. So it’s like a line of eating gross gummy things: worms, slugs, and fungus.

  12. jleigh

    gives new meaning to the phrase “go eat a bag of dicks”. unfortunately these are much more pleasant than male body parts, and i would rather eat them myself than give them away as a gag gift.

  13. Allen

    HA!! i thought they looked like butt plungers too! so i googled “puckerooms look like dicks!” and found this site! (kevin also participated)

    wow, even this comment looks homo-erotic just because we brought up puckerooms…lol

  14. Pingback: Wonka puckerooms · BEERORKID

  15. EL

    I agree. These things crack me up. I can’t even get my husband to taste them because of their shape. When I eat them, I feel like I am being naughty

  16. Melissa

    so i had bought a bag of these before and thoughts they were tasty but i automatically thought i was eating mini weiners……… I went and bought a pack just 2 days ago and it looks like wonka decided to change them. they are a little different on the packag and they no longer resemble penis’. Maybe wonka got the hint.. haha

  17. jessy

    I had purchased a bag of these a few months ago and noted the phallic shape to them. However, I didn’t care cause they were some of the best gummies I’ve had.

    Yesterday I grabbed a pack got home, and realized… they changed purple one on the package, it now looks like a doorknob.😦 I don’t know if I’m happy or not.
    They still taste awesome…

  18. blahblahblah

    they changed the purple one to a doorknob and the yellow one to a pumpkin

  19. gigi

    These comments are hilarious! I thought the same thing the first time I bought them and felt a little dirty sucking on them and what-not, but they are so dang good! Today I bought a bag, however and much to my dismay…they had a new shape! I didn’t notice the new pictures on the bag, but I sure did in my mouth. I spit it out to look at it and sure enough, Willy has changed his willie-shaped shrooms into button shapes! I guess Jim just couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer!

  20. Kristal

    I don’t think they look like that at all. Get your mind out of the gutter and stop ruining it for everyone!

  21. Laurie

    OMG…this made me freaking laugh so hard! I had a bag and you are correct, we called them gummy penis. They must have received several complaints, because they re-designed them and they are no longer in the same shape. It’s kindof sad…cause we would always laugh about them when eating them. Now the humor is gone.

  22. Brandy

    They do sort of go tward the penis side but they are good.I just purchased another bag and i realy think they changed the shape!REALY!i am comparing my bag with your picture and they are very different.

  23. kids love colorful mushrooms…always have. That’s half of the fun of having giant-sized mushrooms all over Wonka’s factory in ever description since the beginning. I’m sorry that your filthy adult mind can’t accept a simple child’s concept like “bright colors are fun,” but I can guarantee you that children do not make the leap straight to gummy penis…. sad really that you should feel so strongly about your own twisted perception that you feel the need to rant so loudly.

  24. The Great Cornholio

    They’ve changed the design and the Puckerooms now look like and are in the same proportion sizes as real magic mushrooms. That i find more alarming than candy dicks. It’s like Wonka is trying to get kids these days to try psychadelic drugs at a young age. Your article was great by the way, it was very funny.

  25. spaceboy

    me and my wife discovered these on a road trip like right after they came out and just about fell over laughing. we also noticed that the way the “P” is shaped, if the bag is at a certain angle or folded a certain way, it totally looks like “Fuckerooms”

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