Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I love candy. It’s a food group for me. It didn’t matter when I learned to cook and started enjoying the variety of culinary gifts this world has to offer. I could make homemade gnocchi or bagels or stuffed pork chops or steak au poivre. None of it changes anything. I love candy.
People who lived with me in college witness my dorm room where I had a drawer filled with Skittles purchased with unused dining dollars. I don’t mean bags of Skittles. You opened the drawer and (above picture) is what you saw. I would write for hours and just go on sugar/caffeine/nicotine benders the likes of which have never been seen. I was Beavis when he became the Great Cornholio. I have told my cousin (we lived together downtown at a time when malt liquor and Skittles sounded like a balanced dinner) that there is not currently a bag in existence of Skittles that I cannot finish in one sitting. During my marathon running days I could eat and metabolize an entire family size bag instantaneously. They do not have the technology to contain me.
So, me and Lamar Odom are on the exact same page. Same paragraph even. I get it. Candy is rad. Halloween for me as a kid felt the same way Thanksgiving feels for me now. All that said, there’s a reason I just went 1000 words on my love of candy. That’s because I want you all to understand how crazy it is that I am about to come on the record and throw a big WTF to my peeps at Wonka. I’m sorry, but it has to be done.
Really, guys? Puckerooms? Might as well call these things Peckerooms. Look at these things. They are straight up gummy penises. I saw these last night with my girlfriend at the supermarket and I laughed for ten minutes before becoming really afraid for the youth of today. There are few things that would make me more uncomfortable then watching a child eat a grape Puckeroom. I’d probably rock a citizen’s arrest on the parent who gave him one.
Honestly, how on earth do these things pass all tests en route to becoming a product? Wonka makes some awesome stuff like Nerds. They are usually smart. When they first saw the drawings, no one said anything. Maybe when they built the giant machines they use to mass produce these? There had to be one guy working on the plant watching gel poured into thousands of corn starch mold who said to his fellow worker:
“Hey, Bob. These things kinda look like cocks, don’t they?”
“Quiet, Jim. I really need this job. My kid needs braces.”
“I know times are tough, Bob, but honestly we’re making gummy dicks. I don’t know. Just kind of thought my life would have turned out different you know?”
“Shut up, Jim. I’m sick of this Commie shit. Would I rather work at Jelly Belly? Yeah. I would. They’re brilliant. But Wonka pays the bills, got it? If they want me to make gummy dicks, I’ll make gummy dicks.”
“I was just saying… I know times are tough, but I feel like a creep.”
“I’m going to kill you, Jim.”
And scene. Sorry, just got lost in the show. That’s what happens when you have to point out the obvious to the universe.
So other than for a bachelorette party or the Erotic L.A. convention, I am not sure where these things fit in. Maybe when Khloe wants to really get Lamar in the mood? I don’t know. I’m at a loss. What do you guys think?