When I titled this post, I got excited. I thought about what a Zack Sandwich would be. Once I got my head out of the gutter, I realized how serious this was. You see, when I was in film school at USC, one of my professors told us about a screenwriter named Matt Miller. Matt went into Canter’s and pitched a sandwich. It stuck. It’s the Matt’s Special and not only is it still on the menu, it is fantastic. I eat it all the time. It is the only thing that can combat what I do to myself at The Dime on the off chance I am there.
Being that I am a civic treasure to the City of Los Angeles (at least in my mind), I have felt for the entire year this blog has been around that I should start working on having something named after me. Last January I made a list of the things I would like named after me:
- Los Angeles itself
- A sandwich at a deli
- Rodeo Drive
- The Dodgers
- Andrew Bynum’s right knee left knee knee brace
- the month of October (Zack Presents “October!”, in theatres July 7th.)
- the part of the valley where they make all the porn at
After scouring my list, it would seem that the best bet would be to get a sandwich named after me. Now this is tough. I am not a celebrity. I am just a dude who brings the heat on a daily basis to the citizens of this city while occasionally threatening business owners to blog about them when they give me unnecessary attitude. In my mind, this is politeness training. We should be nice to everyone. If not out of the goodness of your heart, then for the fear they may have access to hundreds of thousands of readers.
So I got to thinking about meat combinations (awkward). It wasn’t working. Matt Miller had done a fresh take on turkey. He’s created a flavor creation that was rich, but not artisan. It was deli food. He nailed it. Order it sometime. Also, Matt if you are reading this, email me. You are my hero.
What I am getting at is that turkey and muenster and thousand island and cole slaw and challah… These are deli items. He didn’t do a french baguette with balsamic and spinach and Serrano ham and Gruyere. That stuff is all awesome, but it’s wine and cheese shop, not deli.
So I got into thinking about what defines a sandwich. It’s a basically something breadlike stuffed with something good and eaten with the hands. It hit me. Ice cream sandwiches. It was a radical idea. The Zack Sandwich would be ice cream in nature.
Now I just needed to decide how to make it Deli. I needed the correct cookie and the correct ice cream flavors. This part was obvious. What kind of cookie do you think of when you go to a Deli? (ps, fuck you guy who said macaroon)
BLACK AND WHITE cookies. Seinfeld equated them to racial harmony. Albert Yee (the dude above this) clearly loves them. Think about it? People freak out when they get a black and white cookie. They are the best things at the deli. What’s the only thing better than a black and white cookie? TWO black and white cookies. What’s the only thing better than two black and white cookies?
Shoving as much ice cream as possible between them. That’s the American Dream. Ice cream being used to hold two things together. People freak out when they get to eat ice cream. When a kid has a bad day, their parent takes them for ice cream. When you do well at elementary school, the teachers have an ice cream party.
The Zack Sandwich is like an ice cream party for adults. That’s copyrighted. I am throwing that on the box when we mass market these bad boys.
That’s a quick comp of what the sandwich will look like, only at one third scale. The Zack Sandwich must exhibit another quality of deli sammys. It must be awkwardly enormous. I am talking at least 4 scoops of ice cream. Two vanilla, two chocolate. I want it to be so big it is awkward to eat in public. This is the first sandwich you will eat with a spoon, a knife and maybe a mortar and pestle.
So it’s out there. I am calling upon you Lost Angeles to print this out and take it to delis with you. Who will it be? Email this and tweet this. It’s important. Like congress and flu shots.