It’s 2010 and I need to be honest. I am a little disappointed. When I was a young boy foraging for food in the forests of New Jersey, I would think about where I might be in the extreme distant future. 2010 sounded like a magical time. So far, not exactly.
I am not talking about the economy or the state of the world. We have 24 hour media to obsess over that. I am talking about the stuff we thought would happen, but never happened. The stuff Dave and I used to spend hours getting angry about. The stuff from Back to the Future Part II.
I am talking about flying cars, bro. Flying cars and shoes that tie themselves. 3-D billboards. Dehydrated pill pizzas. Where the hell is all that stuff? Why is freaking Avatar the coolest thing we have going on? It was pretty damn cool, but we’ve been doing 3D in some form for decades. Where is the stuff we haven’t seen yet? Like an affordable robot that makes scotch in its belly and tells really raunchy jokes.
So with a new year kicking off a new decade, I want to make some predictions of what we can expect. Let’s have at it…
1. More clothing ads where I have no idea what is going on.
Caught this bad boy at the Banana Republic in the mall. If you really check it out, it’s crazy. He is holding a trombone and seems very proud to be holding it. She is hugging him, but staring into memory. Only the memory is of banging the saxophonist in this asshole’s Kenny G cover band. Poor bastard doesn’t even see it coming. I will say this, the Merino Wool pullover is spectacular though, even when you are dating a cheating wench.
2. Conan O’Brien murder trial.
Conan is going to jail this year. He’s going to kill Jay Leno. Think about it. You wait over a decade to take over the show from Jay Leno and then NBC just bumps him up an hour. It’s almost surreal. Jay basically got a new set and a new time slot that is convenient for his fan base, which is older and afraid of laughing. The good news is I saw Max Weinberg just before Christmas at the Edison downtown and he was happy. I told him he was cool. He asked me what else was up and I told him that was it. Just wanted to make sure he knew he was cool. I think he did.
3. Me getting sued.
Let’s be honest. That’s probably happening at some point.
4. Canter’s names a sandwich after me.
Don’t think I forgot Canter family. Don’t think I forgot for a hot minute. I need to get my sandwich on that menu and I am not going to quit like some kid who skinned his knees rollerblading. I am close to just drinking too much one night at the Dime and making it happen. My plan? I am jumping behind the bakery counter and eating one macaroon a minute until my demands are met. And no. I will not be moving even to go to the bathroom.
5. Tony Romo will win a playoff game.
Well, I don’t really expect it. It’d be nice to see. Like Scorsese finally winning an Oscar.
6. Food Bloggers will be caught taking pictures of their dinner in restaurants.
This happened a lot in 2009 and I expect with technological advances and lowered web serving costs, I can expect to finally complete my life-sized replica of the Sistine Chapel made completely out of unique photos taken of Ludo Lefebvre’s tuna and watermelon salad.
7. The World’s First Yogurt Related Death.
It’s bound to happen. One of these days, someone is just going to eat too much Pinkberry. I can hear it now. “This is [insert surgically enhanced local news woman] on site at the Pinkberry on La Brea and Melrose where Megan Witherspoon has died from what the coroner is calling Tart’s Disorder.” Responsible yogurt consumption is something the new administration is not taking seriously, but I am hoping to raise awareness and eventually start moving the wheels of change.
We will keep a keen eye on all of these events and see how it goes. I believe we have a good chance for a good 2010. Welcome back, Lost Angeles. Let’s get ready to rumble.