The Bachelor is Bananas.

This show blows my mind.  I checked it out with @blondeforbrains last night and did not realize what I was missing.  Last night, our hero (the Bachelor) was down to three women vying for his heart.  Coming in blind, here are my assessments.   There was the future trophy wife Gia, who has a pretty face, more enhancements than the cars in Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift, the inability to “open up” (which I assumed meant emotionally, not sexually) and an overall nice way about her.

There was also Tenley, who is the former cheerleader, glass half full, probably will be a good mother, possibly a stage four clinger, but won’t sleep with the pool boy type.

Finally, there was a girl named Vienna.  This girl is a few marbles short of being able to count on her fingers.  She seems to have the kind of hair bleached by dipping it in a deep fryer.  She definitely received the nickname “sausage” in high school, not because she is fat or because slutty, but because her name is Vienna.  I guess what I am saying was that if I went to high school with her, I’d have called her Sausage.  I’d have been like “Saus, what up” and she’d be like “insert sexual innuendo”.  Then I’d leave and go date a nicer girl who’s nickname isn’t sausage.  You get my point.

Now, without needing to read much into it, it’s easy to tell that if the goal of this show is finding a wife, a life partner, this dude needs to get Tenley locked down.  Gia looked like she’d be overwhelmed at the thought of taking care of a pug, let alone a human baby.  She’s a trophy wife, but our Bachelor kind of seems like a wuss.  I can tell a lot about this dude because of how he reacts with Sausage.  He’s never dealt with a girl like this before.

You see, most men at one point encounter a girl who expands their horizons.  You have a “no way people do that?” moment or two, and then move on down the line.  I think our hero was the kind of guy who didn’t quite put it together until after high school.  Late bloomer maybe.  Basically, Vienna is blowing this dude’s mind right now because she doesn’t appear to require any maintenance.  She’s a Honda Civic.

Anyway, the part about the show that blows my mind is how he says that he is falling in love with all these girls.  At a certain point, he told all three of them at once that he was enjoying falling in love with all of them.  It’s like an episode of Big Love without good writing.  I hate the term falling in love anyway.  I mean, how fast do you fall?  Aren’t you just saying you are in love?  In this case, I am pretty sure he is saying I’d sleep with you.

And that’s when the crazy part of the episode comes in.

So he is in St. Lucia and the deal is, they ship these girls in one at a time and at the end of the night, he gets a card and room key and offers the women to spend the night with him.  On national television, he basically asks these girls to sexually audition.  I am so sure this is prostitution I don’t know what to do.  Do I like call someone?  I mean, what a competitive disadvantage for a girl who is not ready to sleep with a dude based on limited interactions all in front of a film crew.  It’s viewed so casually, but I am like this is Jersey Fucking Shore right now.

So homeboy gets rid of Trophy Wife and she is super cool about the whole thing, until she starts to really lose it in the car.  Maybe she is realizing that a television network flew her to a tropical island, made her hook up with a dude in a bathtub, convinced her to sleep with this dude, then gets sent home in an instant.  I felt bad for her.  I felt like I was watching a man being fed to the lions.  Only we are the lions.

I can only imagine these girls going out on dates after the show.  I mean, how many times do you think guys will get nice hotel rooms hoping that is all they need to do to score?  Like if I were courting Gia, would I think twice knowing that she was duped by the television equivalent of a Ponzi scheme?  Well, some kind of scheme.

In any event, my money is on Sausage.  I think she has the dude spun and I am sure she is the kind of no hassle, down for everything person to make poor Tenley look like a stalker.

Oh man.  Did I just blog about the Bachelor.  I’m finishing a bottle of Jack tonight.

5 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

5 responses to “The Bachelor is Bananas.

  1. REL

    HAHAHAHA I made Dave watch this with me last night too. Completely agree re: Vienna. He is too nerdy to have ever experienced a girl like that, so he is smitten! GROSS.

    I think you just expanded your female readership…yay for balancing out the whiskey!

  2. Lanaly Cabalo

    I can’t believe you actually sat through more than five minutes. I can’t watch that show without getting annoyed by something.

  3. Matt

    Brilliantly put, Zach – couldn’t have said it better myself.

  4. Emily

    can’t wait for next week!

  5. I trust you would not have reservations if I put up a part of this site on my univeristy blog?

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