AIM conversations have benefited greatly from the advent of “smilies” or “emoticons” or basically the faces people make with characters that let you know that a simple HAHA wasn’t enough. Isn’t that what these things are about in the first place? Making sure the person on the other end of the line knows what you are thinking? After all, people often get confused during text sessions because it is sometimes hard to infer meaning. Was that sarcastic? Does that mean we’re about to have sex? Does she really want me to help dispose of the body?
Even with the veritable pantheon of emoticons available to us, I don’t think they are as accurate as they need to be. We need something that gets to the point. Something that has the acting ability to truly carry out our message with 100% accuracy and maybe a little something extra. Like a mustache. Like a really fucking awesome mustache.
It is with great honor (pronounced the way Jason Segel says it in I Love You, Man when Paul Rudd asks him to be his best man. Next time you watch it, you will appreciate me more. If that is possible) that I present to you a formal decree to replace all smileys with Tom Sellecks. What is a Tom Selleck? Well, he is the best actor on earth in the history of the earth and he has a top five all time mustache. He got a few rounds in with Courtney Cox before handing the leftovers to Matthew Perry. He taught a Japanese baseball team how to enjoy themselves. He was Magnum P.I., bruh.
So here is how it works. I’ll fake an AIM conversation for the purpose of a demo. BTW, I am talking to a supermodel:
ZACK: man, i hate working late.
SUPERMODEL: lol. me too. although i don’t have to anymore.
ZACK: y not?
SUPERMODEL: i am sleeping with our boss.
See how that works? Just drop a Selleck. Here’s another example:
ZACK: i wish people liked my blog more.
HUNTER S. THOMPSON: they do like it.
ZACK: i don’t believe you, hunter. but thanks for the lsd.
HUNTER S. THOMPSON: zack, you are my muse. fear and loathing in las vegas was based on your 8th birthday party. you are gonzo as shit.
ZACK: u mean that?
HUNTER S. THOMPSON: with all my heart you maniac vulture.
Now you are getting it. Here are some other Sellecks you can use for the following emotions:
Now you are ready to try this yourself. If there are some emotions you want, feel free to send them my way. I’ll post them.