The Vancouver Olympics of 2010. A place where all the sports you either do for fun (skiing) or are embarrassed to admit you care about (ice dancing) come together for two weeks of fierce competition. Men with too much time on their hands and the greatest collection of soccer moms on earth come together to test their might at curling. Ten stoned snowboarders make a brief cameo to catch a few 1080s at the halfpipe. We watch some guys ski in a circle, drool all over themselves and shoot a gun at five little black dots. That’s what we got.
As I mentioned before, the Canadians had high hopes for this Olympics. Spending 9 figures on extra pump-ups and training with the goal of winning the medal count at the Olympics and becoming the first North American nation to do so.
Only it was America who flipped out, pumped up and when ninja on the competition. The Americans’ 37 total medals set the Winter Olympic record, beating the German record of 36 set in Torino. If there is one thing the United States is better at than beating the Germans, it is putting Canada in it’s place.
In fairness to America’s lovely hat, Canada won 14 gold medals, enough to top the heap, and for that, I am pretty proud of them. America was no slouch with 9 golds. All that said, you could not win a medal in Vancouver without having to stand next to an American on the podium. I am pretty sure everyone who was there has the National Anthem memorized at this point.
America overachieved to the max. Our hockey team was young as balls, not predicted to medal and ended up winning the silver. Not only did they win the silver, they went 1-1 against the gold medalist Canadians and actually outscored them 7-6 on Canadian soil. This would be like Canada going 1-1 against the US in football in Texas. That is how ridiculous what the US did was. Imagine if they played baseball? For the record, I am certain most Canadians believe baseball is something gross you do to a fraternity brother when he falls asleep with his mouth open.
Then came the closing ceremonies. I tweeted last night this was pretty much what your 5th Grade Christmas play would have looked like if it had a 50 million dollar budget. There was a giant inflatable beaver. There were a bunch of over-sized Mounties that looked like they were plucked from a giant gift shop. There was Michael J. Fox admitting he was Canadian after admitting he had been living in America for 30 years (like most famous Canadians do), although I can’t pick on Michael J. Fox because he is like the Canadian Michael Douglas in my mind. They brought out Catherine O’Hara and we all wondered if this is the best Canada could do. They brought out William fucking Shatner. Canada gave him a platform to talk. Bravo.
They poked fun at how they had a broken Olympic torch. A better idea would be to make sure you don’t fuck up the Olympic Torch, Canada. They had Avril Lavigne singing that goofy ass girlfriend song. Michael Buble sang something about Maple Leaves.
Then it ended. I felt empty for about two minutes and started realizing it was almost baseball season. My heart thawed. I realized that it didn’t matter if Canada drank too much and kind of half-assed some things (like winning the most medals). I love those goofy bastards and I am glad they won a gold medal in hockey and got to party in the streets.
Vive le Canada. And all the medals America won there.