My predictions were correct. In my first and previously only post about the bachelor, I hit it right on the head: There was no way Jake (the bachelor) was not going to pick Vienna (who I call sausage). There was just no way. As I had mentioned, Jake is the kind of guy that confuses you a little bit. You’d think with his good looks and stereotypically chick-killer occupation (pilot, bro), he’d be used to getting the variety of sex that a good-looking pilot would get.
Only that ain’t Jake.
Jake somehow managed to get through life without ever running into someone like Sausage, and last night it was completely extra obvious. Here was poor Tenley, who had only kissed her previous husband who ran out on her, unable to give Jake the kind of physical assurances he needed. Whereas Jake doesn’t understand that anything worth having you need to work for. Think about it. You can get a Snickers bar from a vending machine. Lobster requires catching one, murdering it, then preparing it and it all depends on the quality of the ingredients.
In case you are slow, Tenley is a lobster. Sausage is a lumpy Snickers bar.
Don’t get me wrong. Snickers is dope. I used to eat them all the time when I was a kid. I used to sit in class thinking about Snickers. I’d even take a Snickers bar out to a movie and pretend I was in love with it.
Jake, you already got everything you wanted from Sausage, you just don’t realize it and that is why you should have called me, Broseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. You hooked up with her on a fucking pirate ship with an army of stylists trying to keep her extensions sutured to her burnt roots. It won’t get any better than that. I have been around a lot of Snicker bars in my day and let me tell you something I can say with 237% accuracy: Sausage leaves her wet laundry all over the house and eats weird things like canned tuna with bleu cheese on it (microwaved). She leaves all these things in the sink along with clumps of her extensions. Dude, you have to know all this. I feel like all of America knows this.
You will get home from a long day of flying planes and having chicks ask you “what the fuck were you thinking when you picked Vienna” only to get home and find Sausage on the couch in a pile of wet laundry licking the lid of a cup of pudding (yes, she eats them still. all the time) when she will jump up excitedly showing you the trick where she hangs a spoon on her nose. You will think, where is Tenley right now?
The answer is simple. She is at home with a man who is slightly not good looking enough for her, but really, really grateful for such a reasonable woman who just wants to be loved. He even forgives her for sounding like the fourth chipmunk. In return, Tenley slowly learns to be a little more loose. She doesn’t have to be perfect. After all, her husband farts. A lot. The good thing about Tenley is she definitely keeps Febreeze in every room and changes the flavors out seasonally (there is nothing more awkward than say, Thai Flowers in winter or Vanilla and Cookies in summer). The good thing about her husband is the time he spent hoping a chick like Tenley would fall into his lap he also spent passing the bar, so homeboy has some money.
Jake should have known when Tenley kept her cool after he basically told her she doesn’t “do it” for him that she’d be the best kind of wife. The one who will hear you out even when you are being a total douche. Personally, I EXPECT to be a douche many, many times in my life and I expect to make many, many comments that are taken the wrong way. You have to know the person you are with is ready to help you pull your foot out of your mouth. You have to be ready to do the same for them.
Let’s be clear. You saw how Tenley reacted to bad news. Sausage? Here’s putting fifty quid down that upon hearing bad news she immediately downs a bottle of Charles Shaw (chardonnay) and starts putting on make up, slightly excited for a night of going to a nightclub with a one-word name named after a fruit (Peaches or something like that) with her former sorority sisters who claim she is “way not as fun” now that she “married that pilot guy from TV”.
Jake will be at home calling ABC to ask if they still have Tenley’s number. They don’t. He will ask for Gia’s number, but her brother will pick up and freak him out. Finally, he will call Allie, but she’ll be walking pigeon-toed and holding someone else’s hand by them. Jake will have to wait until Sausage stumbles home with barbecue sauce in her hair reeking of cigarettes and carrying a half-eaten McRib sandwich. She will stare at him glassy-eyed and ask “aren’t you the guy from television” before booting all over their front lawn.
All of this leads to Jake gaining twenty pounds, losing his hair and making a deal with a low level Mexican cartel to fly drugs over the border for them. This will happen after Sausage tells him she is pregnant with triplets and certain at least one or two of them are his.
So many girls I know were on Facebook last night so upset over the ending of the show, but I want to point out that Tenley was the big winner. She is not marrying a man who is capable of falling for a girl like Vienna. Eventually, it will work out. It will work out for her and I am very sure of it, so long as she keeps the intensity low enough not to scare off some good guys. I certainly have run into some girls that were perfect save their freakish obsession with everything being perfect. A little messy fingerpainting in life is good. Sausage fingerpaints all the time. She signs her checks in fingerpaint.
So it’s all good, America. Jake needs to sow his wild oats (James Earl Jones voice from Coming To America). It’s Jake’s fault he doesn’t know you don’t need to get engaged to someone to sleep with them. I look forward to their tabloids.