A lot of people ask me what the best way to offend the other teams in the National League West is. I realize I have been holding out on all of you for too long. That said, here are some names and ways to pick on the Dodgers’ dearest rivals, starting with the San Francisco Giants who come to town tonight.
San Francisco Giants:
Now that Manny ate a bunch of roids, it is harder to bring Barry Bonds into things. The easiest way to bring a Giants fan to his knees (besides offering them money for sexual favors) is to ask them if they have ever won a championship. They will tell you that they won when they were in New York. You just need to tell them that your uncle slept with a supermodel in the 1970s in Miami, but you don’t go around claiming you did. That’s kind of like claiming a title if you are a Giant fan. If that doesn’t work, call them the Pumpkins (look at their uniforms) or ask if they are like super into Halloween. If they still are bugging you, go with my personal favorite that I am taking credit for: the vaGiants. Yes I did. Lincecum is so money though. I can’t wait until the Dodgers pay him to be over-the-hill and injured. Sigh.
San Diego Padres
Well, I mean you can call them the Madres. I know I sure do. Or you can just remind them that no one from San Diego has ever won anything. Then tell them the Chargers are stupid. Tell them LaDanian is a Jet now. Tell them the coolest thing about Junior Seau is that he was a Trojan. I love San Diego, even if I call it Man Diego sometimes when you are in PB and you can’t find the girls in the sea of dudeage. San Diego can talk shit about a lot. The weather, the girls (when you find them) and the Mexican food. Sports, not so much. Petco is a fun place to drink though and I always laugh when I realize the Friar Frank is made by Hebrew National. That’s good stuff.
I mean, dude. Just leave it alone. They are super religious as an organization. They have never won anything. Just leave them alone, it is mad cold in Denver.
Sometimes referred to the D’Backs, I have always called them the D-Bags. It is easy to pick on a team that finally admitted they were wearing purple and turquoise uniforms and went with some nice Houston Astros rip offs. Unlike the rest of the division, the Diamondback have won a world series, and they did it against the Yankees and it was more recent than the Dodgers last win. They will have that on you. The good news is, they haven’t won 5. We have. Also, Diamondbacks is a dumb name. Let’s name our team the Lazer Bears. How about the Missile Fish. Come on. You could have been the Tucson Saguaros and been the illest team on the planet. Instead, you are the Arizona Robot Birds.