Remember in sexual education classes in middle school (and high school) when they’d tell you the different forms of protection you could use to guard you from STDs? There were condoms and dental dams and then there was the crown jewel of the sex ed world: abstinence. Abstinence, of course, seemed to be the one surefire way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. While I never heeded this advice, I did agree it was the foolproof way to prevent said concerns. I believe it to be the best form of sexually protection possible.
Until this morning.
Driving to work and chilling out to some Sondre Lerche I believe I found the holy grail of birth control. This product is easily the best guarantee you will never get pregnant, get someone pregnant or get or give a disease to anyone besides letting a wet sneeze rip in a crowded elevator.
This morning, my eyes first saw the “Legalize Ferrets” bumper sticker. And the world made sense. Applying this bumper sticker to your teenager’s car is a guarantee they will not ever have sex with anyone ever. It is forced abstinence, if you will.
Bumper stickers have always been a risky proposition. You are broadcasting a message written by a person who’s creative outlet is a sticker attached to a car costing under $20,000 dollars (fyi, people with more expensive cars seem to only put “decals” in their window and it is usually just to let you know they went to UCSB or something). Bumper stickers tend to either be political (in which case you are telling half the population to fuck off), about the situation that will happen if you “tailgate” the person (although in my experience the real psychos on the road you never see coming) or about a cause (ranging from the appreciated Heal the Bay jam to the more hilarious Legalize Marijuana stickers).
The choice of a bumper sticker is usually about what that person cares about most. So what are you saying when you care most about Legalizing Ferrets? I mean, other than “please don’t have sex with me”.
I am not saying having a ferret means you will die alone. I mean, I could say that. I kind of want to, but that is not the truth. The point is you are driving around your car giving us the impression that all day you are praying the next thing you hear on the radio is that there is a new ballot initiative in California that will finally allow us all to own ferrets legally.
There are a lot of ways to be funny or ironic. Some things somehow just fit into a creepy category that you don’t know until you see it. I can use the example of vintage t-shirts. There is a new t-shirt that you picked out. It’s with the times. No worries. Then there is a vintage t-shirt. It might say “Frank’s BBQ Pit, Odessa Texas” or even be a Little League jersey from 1992. There is a point where the new t-shirt becomes vintage and cool. Then there is that middle ground, that purgatory for t-shirts where you know something is really, really wrong. You see the shirt and for some reason you know it is not new or vintage. It’s just a creepy old shirt and the kind of person who wears this shirt may in fact murder you when you least expect it.
I know a good example of the kind of shirt I am talking about. I found it when I went to the website I saw on the Legalize Ferrets bumper sticker.
There you go. That is a t-shirt you can buy from this place. Something about the font, the message, the copy just tells you that this could never be current or vintage. This is not a t-shirt. It’s a cry for help. It’s the gatekeeper of social purgatory. Even the dude with the skinniest jeans in Silverlake, the most interesting haircut in Echo Park and the most laisse-faire attitude in Venice could not pull this t-shirt off no matter how cool his Frogskins or Toms Shoes were. And that is the point. Purgatory.
So this is my new urge to parents. Don’t preach to your kids about being safe. Don’t try to tell them how to be. Just say, sure you can go out with Johnny Quarterback. You can go drink at Sarah’s house even though her parents are wine tasting in Napa for the weekend. Tell them they can do whatever they want so long as they wear a “Ferret Legalization is not Rocket Science” shirt and drive a car with a Legalize Ferrets bumper sticker on it.
I honestly should win an award for this from Good Parenting or something. Spread the movement. If you’d like to donate to Legalize Ferrets or just want them to continue producing quality birth control products, please visit them at their website and help them out.