When the Dodgers traded Juan Pierre, most hailed it as a move to dump salary. At the time, this seemed like the only explanation, only now we know better. Now we know that we got a young pitcher named John Ely from the deal. Now we know the whole thing was a secret government plot to bring the Sparrow to Los Angeles.
Why have I nicknamed him The Sparrow? Well, first off, this kid looks like a bird.
He moves around the mound and the dugout with a wild, nervous energy. He looks like at any moment he may regurgitate a belly full of chewed up grub worms and feed them to Mariano Duncan. His head darts around like he’s looking for larger predators. But if we know one thing about John Ely, it’s that no one touches The Sparrow.
The Sparrow gets it done without a fastball that breaks 90. He gets it done by having a cosmic changes up and having balls so big he refuses to throw any balls. He challenges every single hitter. So much so that he’s gone a major league leading 84 consecutive batters without issuing a walk. This has been good enough for a 2-1 record and a sub 4 era. But to understand The Sparrow is to understand how he is the main reason the Dodgers are riding a league high 9 game winning streak.
Look at this face The Sparrow was making. This was before he was even on the Dodgers. That face was directed at Tim Lincecum to let him know that when it really counts, the Sparrow is going to beat you in a duel, fly in through the window, get with your girlfriend, steal your favorite pair of running shoes, and drop a deuce on your Satin pillow. The Sparrow was born ready. The Sparrow knew he’d be great before anyone else knew it. That’s because he knew it when he was just an egg in his mother’s ovaries. He has such freakish control from the mound that he just waited for the right time to become inseminated. The other eggs stood no chance.
Check him out in the picture above. Some say the four fingers indicate he just threw a changeup. Not true. He’s just telling the batter how many of his sisters and ex-girlfriends he’s planning on sleeping with after he gets struck out. The Sparrow will simply not be denied his place in the world. Frankly, if the Sparrow started losing a few games, it’d all be due to an overarching strategy that would come into play later. We’re all just along for the ride.
Most Chuck Norris jokes are a good start for any jokes about The Sparrow, except for one thing. The Sparrow is all business so jokes aren’t appreciated. He doesn’t have time for shit like “jokes” or “walking batters”. All he has time to do is throw sneaky as changeups and birding around the mound all day looking for seeds and the best fish taco in Los Angeles. You may not realize it, but in a very short time, The Sparrow has become a top fish taco critic in Los Angeles, so much so that there are rumors that he is training Chef Ludo on how to not lose Top Chef. We’re all stoked.
I saw The Sparrow one time catch a fish by jumping off a seaplane into a lake with arms spread like an eagle. He popped up in like two seconds with a fish impaled on his nose. Then he threw it back into the plane from 200 feet away. Perfect strike.
So when you see John Ely, you call him the Sparrow. You thank him for making the Dodgers strong again. Ignore the Ethier talk. It is all about the Sparrow. And if you see him reviewing a fish taco, stay out of his way. He can hit you in the face with anything from anywhere. He can make it rain. He has that kind of command.