I am skipping week two, I had too much going on and was too sad McDouchy got axed. So I am writing this week’s review in formal protest to ABC (for this and also Stuart Scott). That said, this week provided the same kind of ridiculousness that the previous weeks did. But first, an observation. Ali kind of runs like a girl who is going to gain a lot of weight one day. I am just saying. We’ll circle back to that.
On the first date, Roberto was throwing crazy Latin vibe at Ali and she was helpless. Props to him for kissing her on that apparatus even if the wide angle of it was super, super awkward. Ali kind of looked like Miss Piggy from the Muppets if you got behind the puppeteer and saw all the wires and stuff. Then she showed her incredible charm when she said that Roberto was so good looking she wondered if he was into her. That was a humble thing to say until she basically said that the experience was very foreign to her. Apparently, everyone wants a piece of her. Outside of Kermit and Fozzie.
I forget his name, but the nice guy who definitely has some issue with his voice at one point mentioned he really wanted to show off with some karaoke. I feel like the producers really, really missed an opportunity. He could have sang, like, “Don’t You Forget About Me”. Hilarity ensues… That said, this guy is my early choice for safest bet slash best roll dog. That said again, unless he likes Muppets, he should get out. I know plenty of girls, bro. Let me save you from the Muppet.
Then came the ugly Barenaked Ladies cross-promotion. The only good part of this was that I realized they were not dead, which as a nice person made me happy. I don’t wish death on anyone, even the Barenaked Ladies (who I don’t think have ever seen a barenaked lady, btw). They dropped the name of their awful new song about ten times then played it as the Muppet awkwardly danced under her marionette strings. I enjoyed watching these dudes pretend this was not the worst song they ever heard. Then Chicago Late Bloomer, who is killing me right about now, described how cosmic it was that the songs lyrics were just like what was going on with the Muppet and her Minions. Like, dude. Just because the producer tells you to say it, you don’t have to say it with such excitement. Take it easy. Slow your roll.
One highlight for me was when the Weatherman asked the Muppet if they could “go somewhere” for a “real kiss”. It reminded me of the first time I made out with a girl and asked her if she wanted to “go somewhere” before standing up from the couch and walking outside. This guy either was so awkward he didn’t know what to say other than let’s “go somewhere” or he was literally thinking his being a midget weatherman had been so seductive that the Muppet wanted to “go somewhere” to have sex. Either way, someone swooped in and saved her from getting her five day forecast read.
The Muppet made out in the pool with Kirk, who seems like a good dude, but man! Doesn’t this guy remind you of your counselor at summer camp? Like, can’t you picture him leading you in a game of horse or taking you wake boarding or something. I’d party with this dude, I feel like he cuts loose when he gets drunk and will pay for drinks and yells loudly at sporting events. That said, this dude is super awkward with his hands when he makes out. The Muppet might have liked it though, I just found myself really uncomfortable when he was playing her face like a trumpet.
By this point, Chicago Late Bloomer was freaking out and lead a charge of men jumping into the pool together. Awkward balls. This guys is a mess.
The Wrestler hobbled some three miles to steal a date from Hunter, who doesn’t even get a nickname because he is so boring. If my name was Hunter, I’d be constantly killing shit like rabbits and flies just to make that connection between name and occupation. The Muppet would dig that for sure. Anyway, Hunter’s date sucked. He literally said “I love to love”. It was so excruciating my sperm count dropped. I wanted to cry from awkwardness. I felt like I was watching Saw. The Muppet was so turned off by that line that her response was something like “I love being in this pool” following by “let’s make s’mores”. Translation: she was depressed and wanted to eat. Again, this supports my theory of the Muppet getting huge one day. I’m telling you. Somewhere Jake is with Sausage reading this and they are laughing.
Steve (also not getting a nickname) had a picnic for Muppet, but he couldn’t get the top off the champagne, which definitely made her think he sucks in bed. That was just the vibe I got. I felt bad for him, not just for that, but also for looking like a motivation speaker who is recently out of work and is finally considering bus bench ads. Think about it.
There were a few moments as the episode went on when Chicago Late Bloomer started to seem like he might kill Ali and eat her. He was saying he felt like she was his girlfriend. I know this guy. You know this guy, ladies. One date and he’s picking out invitations. What a d-bag. I hoped she cut him. As I said, he is a meltdown in waiting. He’s like a fondue pot in the sun in direct heat.
What was dope was when Ali totally threw the Wrestler under the bus. Roberto should have gone running at that moment, but he feels like a front runner so he doesn’t care. The Wrestler was under fire from the bros, especially Overweight UnBald Vin Diesel, who basically said he is a “bullshit detector” and that the Wrester was fronting. Big time. Shiz got tense. Sorry about the nickname OWVD, you aren’t really fat, it’s just you look too much like Vin Diesel to not commit to roids. Get with it, lawyer. Also, cheers to Southern Sensei (that is Ty) for referring to Justin as “The Wrestler”, knowing full well he must read this blog. Obviously. I’m huge in reality television.
The rose ceremony was pretty gnarly, but I think she cut obvious people. I am not even getting into it. Instead, here are some of my favorite awkward balls images from the waiting game. They speak for themselves:
These rose ceremonies make me not want to have sons. They are going to get rocked by Muppets one day and I’ll have to explain to them that it could be worse. You could have gotten Muppeted on national television and then written about by a blogger who thinks you are an idiot.
Highlight of the night is when The Wrestler got his rose. Kasey (Weird Voice) gave the most intense look ever and so did OUVD. It was like fucking Highlander in there. It was exactly how pumped up I was at the end of Empire Strikes Back when I saw it as a kid. You know, where you knew it was on.
That’s how I feel now. Like it’s on.