The most dramatic team on the planet is about to participate in the most dramatic event in sports: Game 7. It all comes down to this, America. Lakers and Celtics for all the marbles tonight downtown. Let’s get down to brass tacks.
I hate the Celtics. I don’t hate Boston itself. I mean, before the Red Sox won and they still were charming losers, I sort of pulled for them. I like how they say things like “fah” and “hahd” instead of “far” and “hard”. What I don’t like is the Celtics. Andletmetellyouwhyrightnow…
The main reason is because I cannot tell the difference between the following two pictures:
The Celtics are a Broadway musical. There. I said it. I am not saying they aren’t a great team, because they sure are when they want to be. I am not saying I have anything personal against them. Normally, I hold the rivals of my team in some sort of reverence. There is some sort of appreciation I have for the fact that when they are in town, my city will get extra pumped for the game. Rivals are special and dear to your heart, just like your home town team. My problem is this specific Celtic team is so hard to watch it makes me feel like I am sitting front row at Les Miserables.
Beyond the fact that the Celtics flop more than all the teams competing in South Africa in the World Cup, the Celtics seem to need to pump themselves up like sorority girls before rush. There is nothing more embarrassing than watching Kevin Garnett show us his man boobs with that look on his face. It is hard to watch Paul Pierce lay on the ground for ten minutes every time he falls down and wait for eight Celtics to help him up and give him a prostate examination. It’s hard to watch Nate Robinson, who has been a Celtic for fifteen minutes, bark at everyone when he hits a lay up. He gets that look like he just killed an orc in Lord of the Rings. No, Nate. You are just a midget who hit a jump shot.
What does it say when Rasheed Wallace is the least dramatic guy on the team? When he comes in, I am like, “oh thank God, now maybe I will get a break from KG slamming the floor and Ray Allen doing weird things with his eyes”. I forgot! Ray Allen actually was an actor. Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game. OK, then I forgive him because he is classically trained as a thespian.
I will never get over Paul Pierce in the wheelchair in 2008 faking being injured, just like he did in 2007 when the Celtics were in last place and tanking games in hopes of drafting Greg Oden. There is so much hate on LA fans, but let me ask you, who filled the stadium more in their most recent season of missing the playoffs? Well that isn’t close, because the 2007 Celtics with the second worst record in the NBA had terrible attendance. Make no mistake, Boston fans are frontrunners like the rest of us, except when the Red Sox are involved. Sorry, I have to be fair to them there. Red Sox fans care.
Now I know Kobe is super dramatic on the court, but he pays the price. Everyone on earth hates him. That said, he’s the best player on the planet. If anyone gets away with being a drama queen, it is him. Regardless, the Celtics take it to an artform. How about Big Baby and Nate Robinson doing the whole “Shrek and Donkey” thing? That was Game 5. Imagine how funny that will will if the Lakers come back and win tonight. How about their press conference? They were high fiving and acting like it was over. They are a team that runs on emotion, but the thing about theatre is you need to be in a theatre for it to make sense. Outside of the TD Garden, these guys just look like the cast of Wicked.
I mean, seeing the Celtics anywhere outside of Boston where their overweight fans love the Hollywood drama (irony or ignorance?) is like seeing Mr. Mephistopheles come sneak into your bedroom and rock a dance number on your bed. Awkward and embarrassing.
It’s almost too much. If you want to talk about acting, you need look no further than the official sixth man for the Lake Show, Jack Nicholson. Maybe if the Celtics had a fan more famous than Marky Mark’s brother, they’d get some acting lessons and at least be good at being dramatic. Maybe Ray Allen should hook his teammates up already with some Meisner techniques.
Speaking of 6th man, check out OUR 6TH MAN, a dope line of t-shirts celebrating Jack Nicholson. I’ve seen these popping up around town and am putting in my order for one now hoping I can wear it when we flip cop cars tonight after we win.
Oh man, please win Lakers. I can’t bear to watch a Celtic celebration. Honestly, I really want to Lakers to win, but I’d root against the Celtics no matter what they were competing in just because when they celebrate it makes me feel like that time I took swing dancing lessons in 8th grade to impress a girl after Swingers came out. It’s that exact same I hope no one is watching feeling. My skin crawls. I want to shower. I want to read Playboy and eat steak to counteract the drama.
Be proud tonight. We can’t let anyone win a Tony Award on our home court.