It was literally a volcano of emotions as the Muppet took her absolutely excruciating laugh to Iceland to see if it would shatter the arctic shelf and cause an avalanche that would do us all a favor and destroy the entire remaining cast (except Overweight Unbald Vin Diesel, he can stay).
Immediately, the “heating up” Iceland jokes got very old. I am learning the format of this show down to the nuts and bolts. They get everyone on a plane, have them all read some talking points, and we hear lots of variations of “I never thought I’d go to Iceland to find love, but when I went there it was magical and we were going to heat things up in Iceland, so maybe I will finally find love, in Iceland”. Balls. It’s better than Serial Kasey, who looked like he might start peeling his skin off with a pairing knife if he didn’t get to show the Muppet his stalker badge (tattoo) and tell her he wants to “guard and protect her heart” at least five times until my groin shrivels up and I can no longer dream of having kids and coaching little league.
Initially, my first reaction to the show was that all my history teachers since the beginning of time have been totally full of shit on the Greenland is icey and Iceland is green thing. Iceland looks fucking icey. Ok? This place looks so cold they should call it something colder sounding than Iceland. Like, the Frozen Fortress. I mean, Iceland already sounded like a really annoying board on Super Mario Bros., and I still don’t think it does it justice. I mean, look at the douchey hats they got all the guys to wear. It was like Fargo, only less sexy. The look of Roberto in the hat was enough that he didn’t get to talk the entire episode. In fairness, that is simply because the Muppet has decided she as AT LEAST having sex with him, so Roberto is a lock for the Tahiti Awkward Pirate Ship Make Out episodes that are headed our way later this summer. Put it in your calendar. The Muppet did for sure. At this point I am just rooting for her to get pregnant. Did I just say that?
So the first thing that went down was everyone had to write a poem for the Muppet. Chicago Late Bloomer was okay, but kind of let me down. He’s supposedly a writer, but he didn’t really hammer it home. If anything, he just did some weird walking forward and backward thing while incorporating some bard-like hand movements because naturally talking to a Muppet in Iceland is a lot like the Globe Theatre.
Big ups to Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel for being super hilarious with his poem, where he made up some Icelandic words. That said, his best joke came later in the program where he punked Serial Kasey hard by drawing a tattoo on his wrist. The Muppet did her best to laugh politely, because I know she is totally sure Kasey is going to find her and carve a shied into her forhead. Frankly, Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel should watch his ass.
Speaking of Serial Kasey, who in my first recap I said spoke from a strange part of his face somewhere below his medulla oblongata and trapped behind a Skittle he shoved in his nose at summer camp as a child, finally caught called out for speaking unintelligibly. As he read his poem to the Muppet, they actually had to put subtitles up. It didn’t matter much because as my fiancee pointed out he was probably just saying “I’m going to protect and guard your heart” over and over again. Either way, I broke into a cold sweat and thought about cutting off my fingers and pickling them in a jar above my refrigerator. That’s what Serial Kasey does to me.
That said, Serial Kasey wasn’t even the worst dude poetry-wise. The almost impossibly forgettable guy I refer to as Steve Nash Richard Gere really blew a goat up there. I think he tried to memorize his poem and he gave that shit-eating smile someone gets when they wet their pants in front of the entire school (think American Pie or any other movie where someone pisses themselves). I couldn’t even focus on what he was saying because Steve Nash Richard Gere had me thinking I might actually see a human being explode. If he did, they’d cut right to the Wrestler who would say something like “chalk one more up for Rated-R”. He was really promoting his non-existent wrestling career. Still, it’d be better than cutting to Roberto who’d have just said “I was just heating up Iceland trying to find love when Steve Nash Richard Gere exploded. I liken it to baseball. Sometimes it doesn’t go your way. Still, I am here to find love and probably do some messed up shit to this Muppet once we get to Bali”.
I don’t know how any of these dudes took the poem portion seriously when the Muppet looked like she just jumped off a package of hot chocolate.
Kirk won the date and then told her a story about how he basically got asbestos and almost died. The Muppet seemed to look like she didn’t care until the end where she just started making out with the dude. I feel like the puppeteer needs to make her face emote better. I feel like she likes this guy a lot and that is okay with me. He is very much a camp counselor, but that said, he’s been through some serious health shit and he knows what it takes. I think he might be too good for the Muppet, but I look forward to him getting down with her in Bali after Roberto does.
The group date was totally worthless and I have no intention of even talking about it other to say that they rode Icelandic horses, went in a cave and the Muppet got into a bikini, which would have been more exciting if she wasn’t a Muppet. Anyway, for my male readers who are just rooting for me to get back to sports or whiskey related posts, here is a photo of the Muppet in her bathing suit. I feel like she is really looking forward to eating again once this show is over. I am just looking forward to not hearing her laugh anymore. Like, ever. Although the face she made where she got half naked in half a second made me laugh. Like, surprise! Boobs!
Then Roberto made this face:
I hope he throws that at her in Bali. Yikes.
The big jam in the show was the impeding elimination date between Serial Kasey and the Wrestler. The Wrestler was getting it going saying that “just like in the wrestling world, when you see a weakness you exploit it”. I don’t know what Canadian wrestling is like (they add maple syrup), but he should have said “just like in the wrestling world, the producers are writing everything so the guy who eats other humans is going home, not me”. Right?
Chicago Late Bloomer has the roommate bond with Serial Kasey and every time they talk it seems like Frank is doing everything he can to ensure if Kasey starts shooting, he tells Frank he can leave. Either that or it is a brilliant strategy of getting Serial Kasey to fucking crack to his benefit. I am going with he just doesn’t want to wake up to Kasey pouring teriyaki all over him in an attempt to marinate him for an impeding human barbecue.
Anyway, the date with Serial Kasey and the Wrestlet begins in true Bachelorette style, which as you know is in a helicopter. Honestly, the show absolutely has made me never want to ride in a helicopter. Do helicopters make people fall in love? If so, did they cut out the scenes in Black Hawk Down where everyone had sex with each other because being in a helicopter was just too much? What if I am injured one day and need to be helicoptered to a new hospital? Will I feel the need to have sex with the pilot and the nurse? Will I be able to perform in such a pressure situation? After watching this show, I know not to trust anyone who invites me anywhere in a helicopter. If you saw Jurassic Park, you’d know that they took them there on a helicopter and like ten minutes later Jeff Goldblum is trying to fuck everyone (even the kids) and dinosaurs start eating everything and everyone including Samuel L. Jackson and the guy from Seinfeld. Helicopters, ladies. Avoid.
So they go to the volcano that is exploding everywhere and then basically, the Wrestler takes her down into some ice living room and slow plays it. He tells her he understands what she is going through (ie, being on the Bachelorette) and the Muppet buys it, because she is not smart. That said, I give her a pass for picking the Wrestler on this date, because choosing between Kasey and anyone is like the choice between living and death by drowning in horse manure. I mean, no matter what you think of the Wrestler, he’s better than waking up next to a man who knows what human flesh tastes like.
So while the Muppet is in the cave, Kasey is outside freezing to death and making weird sniffing noises because he is totally bugging out and it is literally cold in Iceland (you lying sons of bitches social science teachers!). The Muppet explains that all Kasey needs to do on this date is be normal. I picture Kasey turning to the side and saying all creepily “that’s the one thing I can never be, Aly…” I just shuddered.
Kasey proceeds to show Aly his tattoo and she does her best to hang in there because she knows that if Kasey can kill the camera crew, he can live off their dead bodies up there for weeks while he tortures her. After all, they are on a volcano in Iceland and it is not easy for the authorities to get there. Plus, there’s already an ice cave he could keep her in. It was a perfect set up. Plus, you get the feeling ABC would take their time getting there because the tapes (yes, Serial Kasey would continue filming after eating the crew, i’m thinking cooking shows even) would be ratings gold. They’d work the way the tapes worked in Cloverfield.
So the Muppet basically got some help writing her goodbye Kasey speech. I know everyone on set was worried about how he was going to flip the eff out. She talked about not holding back Kasey from finding the right girl. Kasey heard none of the speech because he was picturing how he’d turn her face into a baseball mitt. He later said he didn’t know where he went wrong. I’d go with either the singing or the tattoo, just for starters. If he needed more empirical data, I could probably help him out. That said, please God he never contacts me or I will pull a Frank and just tell him what he needs to hear to not hang me above his fireplace.
Silence of the Lambs aside, let’s get it back on a lighter note. The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party hosted the final stand of Steve Nash Richard Gere, who did his best impression of your senile grandfather in the middle of a sentence he forgot he started. I am more worried about this guy than Kasey, only because I think it is entirely possible at sometime during filming he may have experienced a head injury that went undiagnosed. Like, if anyone at ABC is reading this (assuming anyone there can read) I really think you should take SNRG over to Cedars and get him a CT Scan. That said, do you get the feeling the CT Scan would reveal just a pile of Legos and some Twizzlers in his head? I do.
My favorite part about Steve Nash Richard Gere is his job title they flash on the screen when he tries to talk to the camera. He is an “entrepreneur”. Does anyone else think his mother just gave him ten dollars one day and told him to put it in a savings account and he waits all year to see it go up by a nickel? Like, I feel like that is him being an entrepreneur. I would be worried about investing five dollars in a cab ride for this guy, let alone investing in one of his projects.
Another jewel of week five was when Chris Harrison interviewed Ali before the rose ceremony where he played “arm chair psychiatrist”. First off, don’t you think Kasey needed the arm chair psychiatrist more? Just saying. Second of all, Chris could not have looked more depressed. I think we really got a glimpse into the darkness of his soul, knowing all he does is feed people booze and trick them into marrying people after having sex with multiple partners on television. He is literally the guy at the water park who stands at the top of slides and shoves you down the tube, only the water slide is filled with blood and the waiting pool is filled with STDs. That said, he told the Muppet she is afraid to fall in love. I hoped with all my heart that she would break into song and Kermit would show up for a duet.
Didn’t happen. Drank some scotch, thought about the World Cup and how handsome I’d be if I was more handsome. Seacrest, out.