Before we get down to brass tacks, let me quickly comment on the situation with last year’s lucky couple Jake the Fighter Pilot and Vienna Sausage. Jake, who had definitely never seen sex in person until his Tahiti trip on the show, predictably didn’t pick the nice girl (who was so nice I already forgot her name). Instead, Fighter Pilot opted for Sausage, that girl from high school you would never, ever bring home to your mother, but couldn’t stop thinking about because clearly she knew her way around a crotch. I told the world he would be over it in about six months and if my math is correct, you can set a watch to my predictions. Jake got tired of it. He got out. The good news is, he definitely got what he came for. What did Sausage get? To wear an expensive ring for a few months. Don’t worry about it. Girls like Sausage think every other dude is hot so she will be over it like a chili on a hot dog.
That said, let’s get all Turkey on this bitch…
This week, the bros and the Muppet go to Turkey. I immediately was excited because for the first ten minutes of the show they played “Turkish” music, which to me just sounded like the kind of stuff they play in spy movies where they show the terrorist’s lair and flash a title card on the screen reading something like “FALLUJAH – 300 MILES NORTHWEST OF DROP ZONE”. I can’t figure out if the music selection is racist or just cheesy. Either way, I felt like break dancing because the Muppet was definitely ready to “find love in Turkey”.
Early in the episode, Harrison gets the Muppet down and tells her he’s done some super research and now has some “legit’ information that she needs to hear. Between the way he dropped this info and the terrorist music during the intro, I thought some cool shit was going to go down, only it didn’t. We had to wait for 20 minutes of phone ringing as they were calling Jessie, some chick I don’t remember at all. Finally, Jessie gives the phone to a girl who claims to be The Wrestler’s girlfriend. We’ll call this girl Big Teeth Lacey Chabert.
So Big Teeth Lacey Chabert confirms that the Wrestler is, in fact, her boyfriend, which confirms, in fact, that she might have severe learning disabilities or in the least a head injury. She details a plot in which the Wrestler came on the show to –gasp– promote his Canadian wrestling career. This came as no surprise as the producers of this show expertly weaved in foreshadowing from day one having the other guys say nuanced allusions to this point like “I think this guy is just here to promote his wrestling career” and “I think this guy is not here for Ali”. I wish I had read between the lines. I for one was so floored by this discovery that I cried in the bathroom for an hour and wouldn’t come out until my fiancee slipped me a string cheese and two valiums under the door because I was terrified this new discovery might prevent the Muppet from finding love in Turkey.
Harrison shows the Muppet a picture on his iPhone (which he has a pink protective case for) of the Wrestler and Big Teeth Lacey Chabert on some beach somewhere. I mean, that picture looked like it was shot and framed perfectly. The whole thing smells disgusting and fake, like I imagine the Muppets extensions do. I know her first reaction was to start eating, but with Harrison there, she opted to confront the Wrestler and show him who the real Rated-R was. The Muppet came in the room and basically calls his ass out in front of the other guys. I think she employed this strategy on the off chance the Wrestler knows how to wrestle and reacted to her words with a back hand to her face. It didn’t happen as he employed the “I’m out, bitch” tactic.
The best part of this scene was the reactions of the other guys. Kirk threw a shocked smile like someone told a dirty joke at a sleepover. Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel looked around like he just saw the end to Usual Suspects for the first time. My favorite reaction by far came from my apparent doppleganger Chicago Late Bloomer, who looked like he found out his puppy had cancer and didn’t tell him because the puppy had gone through treatment with a new owner that he was cheating on him with and now was cured and had the courage to say he was moving out for good. In case you wonder what that expression looks like, here it is:
The Wrestler tried to make a breakaway, but the hotel staff apparently locked him in the courtyard. I enjoyed watching him try to get out of the hotel, after which I guess he’d have to try to get out of Turkey. If he really wanted to be a wrestler, he should have just dunked the Muppet’s head in a fountain or something super gonzo and awesome, instead he came back and spoke to her moron-to-moron. He told her a bunch of crap I am not repeating. The part I liked was where he said he still had the rose she gave him in his pocket “ironically”. Hey brah, that isn’t irony. That’s forgetting to change your uber-douchy sweatpants for a week. By the way, to my female readers, a stern warning. If your boyfriend has designer sweatpants, just dump him. I can tell you right now he is a douchebag. I am serious. If you date a man who has invested in sweatpants expensive enough that leaving the house with them on seems like a good idea, get out right now or you could end up like the Muppet: getting dumped by a d-bag in sweatpants in Turkey on national television. In the least he’s dumped you after taking you to Yogurtland one night and making you pay. You will feel really fat at that moment and you will come to me for advice and I’ll just remind you I told you this would happen. I can only take you halfway.
After a lot of really Canadian “sorrys” and “abouts”, the Wrestler (Captain Sweatpants) got out of my life forever, closing a chapter I wish had never started. We were treated to more terrorist music as he walked away forever, his sweatpants blowing in the Turkish wind as we heard his many calls to Big Teeth Lacey Chabert.
Ty got the first solo date and showed up wearing a really big necklace. He looked like Alex Guarnaschelli, you know that portly woman from Food Network who cooks at the appropriately named New York eatery Butter. She wears big necklaces like that on Chopped, which if you haven’t seen it, is a cooking competition show in which a blogger from Los Angeles roots for the stage lighting to drop on Alex Guarnaschelli’s head and end her career being an on air tuna carpaccio. But I digress…
Again, the giant necklace rule falls into the sweatpants category. If one of my readers knows what his necklace means, let me know because there is no way he just put it on because he thinks it looks badass.
On their date, they wore tablecloths from an Italian restaurant and went to a Turkish bath, because that is what producers who go to Turkey think of. Can’t you picture the brainstorm. “What do you think of when you think Turkey?” The first guy just goes “Thanksgiving” and gets fired. The second guy goes “When I think of Turkey, I think Turkey baths.” And voila. We get two people dressed as tables at an Italian restaurant in a Turkish bath. I wanted to put one of those wicker basket bottles of Chianti on the Muppet’s head.
I’m done talking about Ty. He is kind of boring. I will give him a nickname. It’s Pixar. That’s because he looks just like Woody from Toy Story. It’s uncanny. It’s like he is in another movie where cartoon characters come to life and try to find love in Turkey. Right? Good for Pixar. Muppets? Pixar? Could it be a match?
The group date took awkward to a new high (or low) when the producers thought it’d be awesome to have the guys olive oil wrestle, which I never knew existed until I was watching it while simultaneously questioning my sexuality because after all, I was watching guys wrestle covered in olive oil. It’s okay, I have a very open and European sensibility. Ask anyone. I enjoy the finest fabrics and appreciate opera. Okay, neither of those things is true. I also don’t like watching olive oil wrestling. I can cross that off my list of things to watch again.
All the dudes were terrible at fighting and the Muppet probably wanted to get rid of all these dudes. That said, pretty sure she didn’t notice the fighting. She just was thinking about Roberto and Tahiti the whole time. That is when Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel had to step it up. UOVD had not had a one on one date yet and being the worst looking dude left on the show, he definitely needed to get some one on one time to explain a few key facts to the Muppet. These facts are simple and as follows:
- He is a lawyer and has money.
- Roberto is a failed baseball player and broke.
- Kirk is from Wisconsin.
- The Landscaper is a Landscaper
- Frank is now most likely to kill and eat her now that Serial Kasey is gone.
- Ty is a computer animated cowboy with a string in his back that when pulled yells “reach for the sky”.
That would be Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel’s best bet, but first he’d have to beat Roberto in a fight, which he did, because contrary to popular expectations, he is a total wuss and I would love to fight him just for fun. So did UOVD do what I suggested he do on his one on one date? Nope. The poor bastard, who I would definitely party with, jumped two feet directly into the friend zone. It looked like he was on a date with his sister. Then his face got super red at dinner which totally looked worse because he went with a red shirt (to match his face?). You can never, ever get red faced in front of a girl because she thinks you are a five year old girl. The only chance this guy had was to be all super lawyer and not give a shit. He should have been making her feel stupid for liking the pretty boys. Instead, friend zone. I thought they were going to go get Pinkberry and talk about boys at some point.
With a red face and a bunch of funny jokes that made him seem like a “good guy”, I worried that UOVD was going down. I waited anxiously with baited breath (which in reality meant I took a really long bathroom break and watched the Dodgers almost blow a lead before returning to finish the episode).
Chicago Late Bloomer got the second one on one date. Despite the fact that his reaction to almost everything is “oh my god” in a thick Chicago accent, Frank definitely has a super head fuck going with the Muppet. Despite being a total tweaker away from the Muppet, once in her presence, he seems to totally lock it down and head fuck her sideways. It is pretty crazy to watch. He is like a Jedi. In my mind, it is because he and I apparently look alike, and for many years I have known I am irresistible to all creatures, human, canine and woodland. The reality is, he slow rolls it and plays hard to get a little bit and when you are dating a Muppet, it is best to make her not feel good enough. Frank seems to have that down. Also, he dresses like a South American communist guerilla mixed with a barista at a local coffee shop in Washington (state, not DC). Muppets like that.
After this date, I decided on my outcome of the show. Now, this was totally ruined by the INCREDIBLY TOO REVEALING preview of the rest of the season. I mean, shit ABC. I don’t even need to watch now. But I am going to. That said, here is what I believed up until this point:
- Roberto is making final three and then getting cut. The Muppet just wants to have sex with him in Tahiti before she can marry a guy like Frank. The Muppet knows she is not attractive enough (she keeps saying it to Roberto, major turn off) to keep a dude who looks like him. She just needs to take care of business for one night in paradise. When she gives Roberto the rose, she says nothing. She just basically non-verbally communicates to him that it is coming.
- It’s Frank’s to lose. She is hung up on him. Once she taps Roberto like a keg of Miller Lite, she will willingly spend a life wondering if she is good enough for Frank. Honestly, the more I watch the more I realize Frank has a strategy.
- Pixar and the Landscaper are toast bro. Pixar is a dork with a necklace and the Landscaper scapes land. That said, Landscaper can come party with my crew anytime. He seems like a good dude and I am not going to say anything bad about him. Today.
- Kirk wins if Frank blows it. If Frank blows it, Roberto is next in line, but he can’t talk and it will not take the Muppet as long as it took Jake to figure out the sex isn’t everything. Kirk will be in the final three and he will crash the boards.
The Muppet realized there was only one dude left she wouldn’t sleep with and she skipped the cocktail party to send this dude packing. That dude? Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel. Dude, you are a good guy and you will probably find a prettier, smarter girl in Philly where you are from, which is the most depressing part about casting the Muppet as the Bachelorette. Come on, ABC. Next season, let’s due better. If the Bachelorette looked awesome, the olive oil wrestling would have gone so much better. Landscaper would have ripped Kirk’s arm off and killed everyone in sight, and the crew for a one on one date. For the Muppet? Just a lot of awkward tickle fighting.
So, back to the montage real quick. Didn’t you feel like they showed everything? I mean, Frank bitches out and crushes the Muppet like he was Kermit. Ty looks like he takes rejection poorly. I mean, it just seemed like a lot of info. Maybe I was being tricked and Frank tells her “we need to talk” and for the first time in the history of the line “we need to talk” it isn’t “we need to talk about me not ever loving you”. I mean, the phrase “we need to talk” could be omitted from the English language and replaced with “I ain’t hittin’ it no more” or “I am done being nice to you” or “stop calling me”. It’s like “We need to talk about me not sleeping with you ever again.”
Anyway. We’ll see where this one goes. Leave me a comment and join my facebook group for updates as we hit the end. I appreciate how much you have all been sending this around. If any of you out there ever get on this show, I will go easy on you if you “like” my blog on Facebook.
Now, I’ll leave you with some pictures from Sausage’s facebook account of her and the Fighter Pilot pre-breakup. She still has not accepted my friendship, but if she does, no doubt it will be short lived…