This week is a dubious task. It was family visit week on the Bachelorette and even a cynical prick like myself has a hard time beating up on someone for their family, no matter how ridiculous they are. That’s because families are things you can’t choose. People get dealt vastly different hands when it comes to families. That said, for the most part, this was one of the least funny episodes of this show I have ever seen.
Don’t worry though. You come here for a reason. I’m like FedEx. It’s my business to deliver.
The Muppet first went to Tampa, Florida to do some more up close fantasizing about Roberto. She is so sexually attracted to this man that I personally feel uncomfortable. She picks him first for everything and there is no way he doesn’t get a rose. She is taking this Palomino for a test drive.
The date started by him getting her to say Tampa was beautiful, which if you have been to Tampa, you know the level of sexual brainwashing that was going on. Tampa is two letters shy of being a feminine hygiene product. Next, he took her out to his old baseball field, put on a uniform and proceed to seduce her with baseball pants. Honestly, watching the Muppet drink in this glass of horchata is the closest most girls will come to understanding how us fellas feel when you dress up like a cheerleader for our birthday. Just as most dudes haven’t slept with a cheerleader (no comment), most Muppets haven’t slept with a sexy baseball player. In my mind, the date was irrelevant.
After feeling bad for a moment about finding Roberto’s slightly overweight mother attractive, I got a little taste of Roberto’s father, who I will refer to as Papas Fritas, just because I feel like it’s the closest I can come to a play-on-words in Spanish (or as Spaniards call it “Espanol”).
Papas Fritas really loves his son. He REALLY loves him. He came at the Muppet like a defense attorney. He told her basically that Roberto is a total stud who does nothing but look hot and win championships. I feel like he never really let up and suddenly they were all doing the tango, which I assume is a normal thing in his house, otherwise ABC is so heavy handed they can’t wear gloves.
With the Muppets over thoroughly pre-heated, she headed to Cape Cod for the Norman Rockwell painting that was the Landscapers’ Home (which sounds like a John Irving novel). I can’t say anything bad. Great family, sad story, cool black lab and a father that escaped from a Hemingway novel. I even liked Ali. Yes, I called her Ali. That’s how nice this family was. They even had an unexplained castle in the backyard, which I feel like Ali liked. The Landscaper is still a weird kisser, but like Iceman said to Maverick, “You can be my wingman anytime”. You heard me Landscaper. I’m rooting for you.
Kirk. Sigh. Good dude who got every good gene his poor parents could muster. His father, although a nice guy, is a taxidermist with a pedophile mustache. I hate making fun of a nice guy from Wisconsin, but fuck, bro. Help your kid out. Don’t bring a Muppet into a cellar of death. It was like watching Saw. You literally have 1,000 dead animals, including a fucking caribou foot on which you fucking glued eyes. You have a fridge filled with dead animals and fudgesicles. Let me explain this in plain English. Over one thousand times, you have sliced an animal up in your basement, took out its insides, embalmed it, stuffed it, mounted it. Not once when you were drunk. Not a few times one summer at camp in the woods. All the fucking time. For a moment, I thought Kirk should kidnap then adopt his half-sister, who has a lifetime of explaining the animal graveyard in her basement to dudes she brings home.
Beyond that, his grandma said “cheesy potatoes” really, really weird. I hated this episode. I don’t want to pick on a grandma. I hate you ABC.
Finally, the Muppet took the midwest as she went to Chicago for more slow rolling head games from Frank, who like any man dealing with an insecure Muppet, makes her not feel good enough. His game is so strong. He is like a fucking Jedi. He got away with wearing a cardigan and a super revealing tank top. His family was nice enough, it doesn’t matter. Frank headfucked the Muppet. It is his to lose, which at this point we know he sort of does. Whatever, I just look forward to comparing his ex to the Muppet. I am now starting to appreciate the comparisons I get to Frank. I always admire a good head fuck.
I actually felt bad for the Muppet who shed Muppet tears before telling the boys that it had nothing to do with anyone’s family. In case you are curious, she was just telling Kirk that she was about to dump him for him, not his insane-but-nice carnivore porn father.
I felt bad for him, but not as bad as I felt for myself for watching such a not funny episode. I have a feeling Tahiti will make up for it. I am excited.