This episode was just bat-shit crazy. I’m sorry. There was a level of surrealism so palpable that at times I thought I had secretly put down a bottle of rubbing alcohol in stumbled pants-less into the 3:10 showing of Inception. Often I was dizzy watching this, but I was sniffing glue at the time (which is what I do when I feel extreme personal loathing for watching this show for nine weeks), so that might have had something to do with it.
Okay, ladies. Let’s get down.
The episode began with the Landscaper in a wicked fresh montage of him staring out at the countryside. It got mad creepy for a second and I wondered if someone had tricked him into jumping. It kind of reminded me of the part from Predator where Arnold is getting all ready for the night battle and is just sort of psyching himself up. In the words of our Governor, “Kill me! Kill me now!” Seriously, rent the original Predator and quote it on a first date with a guy. That is good boy advice. Boom.
Then when they cut to Roberto (who I still don’t believe ‘feels lucky to have Ali be his wife’) and him talking about how much he likes the Muppet constantly telling him he is hot, I knew this was just some super hardcore foreplay before the Tahitian orgy we were about to experience. Side note, loved the touch where Roberto had a baseball as a prop on his bed. He stared in the sky almost wondering ‘why the fuck am I on a bed holding a baseball looking at the ceiling when I have to pack?’ In the least, I was glad he was prepared on the off chance a baseball game breaks out in Tahiti.
Now to Frank. A montage of Frank’s slow play genius. I am falling for the Muppet. Check. Here to find love. Check. I am in love with my bird-faced ex-girlfriend. Record screech noise.
Come on, ABC. If you wanted it to be a surprise, maybe don’t put it in the “next week on the Bachelorette” montages every freakin’ week since they were douching out in Turkey. I get wanting to tease the crowd so we stick with it, but like, did they tell you Kaiser Soze was Kevin Spacey in the previews for Usual Suspects so we’d see the film? In the trailer for Sixth Sense were they like ‘have your mind blown when you find out Bruce Willis is a bald ghost’? Side note, if you haven’t seen those films and I ruined them for you, congratulations! You clearly have just returned from being stranded on a deserted island for years after some boating incident. Welcome back, sorry about the info and hopefully if you were engaged you don’t get Helen Hunt’d like Tom Hanks. That’d suck.
Frank goes to meet his ex Nicole and basically sits there are tells her how dope the Muppet is the whole time, to which she responds basically, “you had me at I wasn’t listening”. Frank definitely has a thing (or thang as the cool kids say) for insecure girls. Who takes a guy back who follows up dumping you with going on the Bachelorette then making you agree to let ABC film your awkward reunion? Oh yeah, you Nicole, who I am calling Fievel because she looks like a mouse. I was off on the bird thing. Also, can we get the stylist of the show to stop putting every chick in highlighter colored clothing? I know they just opened an American Apparel really close to your studio apartment in Palms, but learn to throw a change up. I can’t take it anymore. I guess spray tan and neon yellow are like chips and guac.
So now that Frank has head fucked two girls, the logical and green-conscious response is to waste money and gas and fly to Tahiti just to tell the Muppet that he will not be her Kermit. A small (okay, large) part of me was looking forward to Chicago Late Bloomer blowing up the situation. I have been subjected to Muppet laughs for over two months and sorry, I’d just rather hear her cry. I am a bad person. She is a bad laugher. Or laughist? Not sure, either way her laugh literally sounds like puppies being murdered in cold blood. It’s not that I want the girl to be sad, I just want to hear anything besides her laugh. Or that “this is so cool” baby talk she does. Or her telling Roberto he is “unbelievably hot” anymore. I’ll stick with crying. Bring on the waterworks.
Off to Tahiti where they missed the big sponsorship opportunity. The Trojan Condom Fantasy Suite? Come on. Seems like it’s right there for the taking. I’d say ABC wanted to play it conservative, but this is a program about a girl who tries on like 20 dudes and makes out with an entire fraternity. Also, the tagline of the new “Bachelor Pad” program was the hot Synthetic Italian girl asking someone to adjust her top during a game of 20 person half naked Twister. I think a Trojan cross-promo would border on public service announcement. This show sometimes is like an advertisement for the clap.
I was happy for the Muppet because finally she got to have sex with Roberto, who I am now calling Aladdin and I am so angry at myself for never seeing the parallel. Oh wow. ABC is Disney. Aladdin is Disney. Cross-promo number two! Seriously, I know Aladdin was not Latino, but like, just sing “I can show you the world” next time he’s on screen and picture him sharing an apple with a little monkey. It’s awesome. I really kept myself entertained with that thought. The sad part is Aladdin got Jasmine. Good deal. Roberto? Muppet? Pick your poison bro. Take the Muppet on the magic carpet ride and her extensions fly off.
Frank’s starting to sound smart.
Next date, Landscaper. Again, more super awkward kissing, but I like the damn guy so no negative comments. He seems like he is down to be good to the Muppet. Good for him.
There were two amazing parts of the date to point out. The first was when they found the oysters with pearls in them and Ali made some awful metaphor for how it was just like her and Landscaper’s relationship. I thought about the poor USC student interning on the show who had to shove pearls in oysters and hide them and then tell his parents he did something more glamorous, like sell a screenplay or bolt down the Muppets extensions.
The second amazing part was the amazing sexual innuendo where the Muppet asked Chris if he “wanted to go in” before they went inside. I laughed out loud. Thank god I am not on the show. I can only imagine the level of Michael Scott-age I would attempt.
Finally, Frank shows up and asks to have a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison, who looked like he was selling souls for the devil. That poor bastard. Hard to make it in this town and you take what they give you. This town gave Chris this job. Side note, I felt awkward that he went with the “two unbuttoned buttons” look. Chris Harrison is like a Ken doll, a man with no reproductive organs and he should not dress provocatively at all. He comes in a plastic box in a tuxedo. No offense buddy, just saying.
Frank started crying and it made me wonder if I look that weird when I cry (which is NEVER because I fight bears and make one-piece bathing suits out of their fur which I use to camouflage myself from other bears when I repeat the process), I just keep getting emails about how I look like Frank and now I worry I am a creepy crier. Admit it, girls. Some of you out there are with otherwise good men who look mad weird when they cry. I wanted to ask my fiancee to slam my head between the toilet seat and toilet bowl so I could see what it looks like when I cry these days, but she was asleep. Another time.
The Muppet showed up and was utterly, utterly destroyed by Frank. He told her a few things, but mainly it was that Fievel existed, he preferred a mouse to a Muppet and that he looked mad weird when he cried. The Muppet took it super hard. She definitely wanted Frank and I feel bad for the winner now because it’s obvious she was ready to crown Frank Muppetmaster. I felt cheated that we got no overnight date because I think we all know Frank would have said “oh my God” like a thousand times when he saw a room with flower petals on the bed. What can I say? He’s the kind of dude who cries when he sees Muppets.
I got a good laugh at the hypocrisy of Ali even being mad. Literally she explained that it was really selfish of Frank to be interested in two women when she was busy finding love with about eight men, three of which were currently on the island having sex with her. I mean, double standard!
We really saw how damn insecure Ali was. Not that I doubted this from day one, more like me saying “scoreboard yo” to my readers. She loved Frank because he didn’t love her. She is a high school girl. She has never learned to appreciate a man who is stoked on her. Let me please, please, please say something to any girls out there who may be insecure or have at least one friend who is insecure. Don’t put up with it. I know some of you single ladies think you are smarter than that. I know some of your friends travel a lot and confuse culture for common sense with boys. Realize that the dude who will love you forever has almost no game and it is obvious he won’t hurt you. In the Muppet’s case, the Landscaper. In your insecure friend’s case, no idea. Just please don’t let her befriend my fiancee or any of her friends because I am shitty at holding my tongue at bars when a girl tells someone in my vicinity a story about a guy who is clearly playing her like a fiddle. I will be forced to pass gas and use that as an excuse to leave as the only fail safe from committing a public character assassination that will remind you of the scene in Planes, Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin tries to rent a car from that fat redhead. Or the scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex eats the lawyer while he’s taking a shit. Side note, need to watch Jurassic Park soon.
Anyway, the end of the episode is depressing. Frank looks like a bug while he cries some more and heads home to eventually break Fievel’s heart and show up on some other ABC show and further subject me to more emails about how we look alike. Chris Harrison gives the Muppet like five of his patented I’m-A-Friend hugs. He also says a word that doesn’t exist: “minimalized”, which confirms that even the editors of this show don’t watch it. Roberto sweats a ton, which is probably hot for you girls, but for a former baseball player, I promise you it’s not.
The rose ceremony is depressing because Depressed Muppet literally cannot say out loud the truth about Frank because she is afraid to set off the domino explosions of the male pack mentality. She, as an insecure person, definitely feared that if the dudes knew Frank picked another girl, they might not pick her. I could picture Roberto peacing out and the Muppet looking at the Landscaper and just being like, “fuck it, I quit”. We’ll see.
We are nearing the finish line, team. Let’s ride this thing out. Next week, Bora Bora which hopefully isn’t Bora Boring.