Welcome back friends old and new. We’re nearing the end of our journey together. The Muppet is so close to finding love I know we’re all freaking the fuck out a little bit. With so much at stake, it is almost cruel to make all of us wait another week to find out how many times the Muppet has sex with Roberto in Bora Bora (or Whora Whora in this case) before picking the Landscaper to marry. But, alas, we must wait. This week is “Guys Tell All” which is code for Chris Harrison takes a dump on your face and you have to laugh at yourself or a nest of pre-menopausal single girls in the audience will rip you to shreds.
Let’s get to that first. The set is definitely just the Deal or No Deal set minus Howie Mandel, plus the most ridiculous crowd of lonely account girls I have ever seen. I can totally picture the spike in Facebook status messages of girls leaving their jobs early saying “Off to see the Bachelorette taping tonight!!! So excited!!! Kirk I love you even if your Dad has sex with dead animals!” Side note, if any of my upper management readers suspect one of their employees faked calling in sick, just check the broadcast. I promise you that your least favorite employee was there, doing what I was doing at home: Debating whether or not Chris Harrison has veneers. I’m saying yes.
I wish I could say this episode was awesome, but it wasn’t really. It was kind of just silly. This was like a Saturday night at a really lame fraternity where they don’t make you pledge, instead they just take your parent’s check and tell you to clean the house once a week, which you don’t because if you are afraid to pledge, you are also afraid to Pledge. Hey-O!
Actually, this episode is more like if you had a high school reunion they year after you graduate. It’s like, I haven’t been gone enough to miss you yet. I am not far enough removed from my desire to dip the Weatherman in honey and let bears tear him to shreds to enjoy him prancing around in his little sister’s leather jacket whining about the Muppet not dating midgets. What local news cast hired this clown?
That is not to say this episode didn’t have it’s moments. My personal favorite was the return of Steve Nash Richard Gere, now known as the Phantom. That was hilarious. SNRG in the Icelandic hot spring? Classic. Possibly the most mysterious creepster ever. Also, how awesome was his spray tan? The guy looked like he fell asleep under a neon sign. Even more amazing is how when this guy talks, my ears register that he is talking, but my brain cannot extrapolate words from whatever audible tones he emits.
Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel was auditioning for some talk show he will not get. The dude wouldn’t shut up, but I like him, so I wasn’t too upset. That said, he definitely was the dude who felt like it was his job to compensate for losing by talking the most. It was worth it apparently because one of the account girls in the crowd who was definitely from South New Jersey asked if he would wrestle the Wrestler in oil and let her be his cheerleader. My reproductive ability lowered considerably at that point. Honestly, the interaction was verbal birth control.
Serial Kasey was back and he definitely had some fun with being crazy. I kind of respected him for singing in the face of a nation of really creeped out women, but if I know one thing about this country, there will be a lot of girls in Vegas who somehow will think telling their friends they slept with the Guard and Protect Her Heart guy from Season 219 of the Bachelorette is a status builder. I love this country. Thoughts like that make we want to ride a Bald Eagle in my underwear over the city dropping hundred dollar bills and bacon-wrapped hot dogs. And like, explosions.
At some point, the Muppet came out and honestly her hair looked like two vultures fought over a stick of beef jerky she was using as a hair pin. Is there no hairdresser on the set? Are these people taking a piss? Hold on, I am going to literally Google the hair person for this show and do my best to ruin her career because this is America and it’s time we start taking pride in our work again so Bruce Springsteen songs pump you up instead of making you miss the Cold War… Hold on one sec.
Damn, all I could find was Caryl Olivia and she was just a wardrobe person. That said, she was definitely in the room and could have told someone in hair and makeup that Ali’s extensions began looking like a caveman’s armpits about 20 minutes after they got to Iceland. Like, they went bad before we knew Kasey ate human children just for fun, even if he wasn’t hungry. Just saying. Help the Muppet out already, ABC.
Also, what was with the big switch in outfit genre from highlighter colors to highly reflective parachutes? I hate when girls wear parachutes for outfits. I hate when they do that and ask boys if they look good. No guy ever saw a girl wearing the equivalent of a camping tent with broken mirrors glued on it and said, “Man, you look good”.
Okay. Quick hits. Someone must have told Pixar to lose the necklace. Good call. Every girl in the crowd would give two arms and a leg to get with Kirk. Kirk’s dad would give two arms and a leg to stuff a Caribou and mount it on the wall. Four of these guys I didn’t remember were on the show. One dude looked like that Mr. Opportunity cartoon commercial guy, but that is awkward because he literally looked animated. He had the weird eyes and thin head thing going on. The Muppet with the space helmet in the beginning was awesome. She was so wasted. She was definitely scared of Serial Kasey and the producer’s answer was six shots of Absolut Citron. I liked Unbald Overweight Vin Diesel’s face when the Landscaper tried to make him piss his pants by putting his hand in a champagne bucket of warm water. I like when people wake up but aren’t awake. Like human mannequins or something.
So what’s next after this total waste of a week? Bora Bora bruvah. The Muppet is introducing the boys to her family and definitely sneaking in a few quickies with Roberto before her lack of self esteem ultimately leads her to avoiding the guy who definitely will dump her when he sees her in a reflective neon yellow jumper this spring which makes him harp on her bad extensions and lack of an upper lip. God, I’m mean tonight.
Enjoy your week. I am still debating whether or not to cover Bachelor Pad. Let me know what you think on my Facebook Fan page. Just search Lost Angeles Blog. I don’t feel like putting a link in and if you read this whole thing, how much work could that process really be.
Until next time…