Before I get into any of this, a few things. The first is just me pointing out how ridiculous Chris Harrison’s pronunciation of Roberto is. It’s literally Ro-Bear-Toe, which definitely sounds like medication to treat Athlete’s Foot on bears. Athlete Bears. Damn that is awesome sounding.
That said, I want to thank you all for coming back and reading all season, in this, my first full season of covering this television (shit) show. I’ve made a lot of new friends, I’ve seen traffic for this blog explode and even better, I got to see the Muppet find love. We took the journey together, we established that I look like Frank and so many more things I am going to skip because I fuckin’ hate goodbyes.
So thanks in advance, a little blog housekeeping at the end, but now it’s time to hit this shit like a home run in the ninth inning (or like a possum before Kirk’s takes it home to stuff it).
The Muppet was down to Aladdin and the Landscaper and every girl in the nation sympathized with her tough call. On one end, there was a man so good looking the odds of him not getting bored faster than a city girl on a camping trip (to Extension Mountain) were slim to nada. On the other hand, the fact that the Landscaper would probably never dump the Muppet triggered her natural female instincts guiding her to get the eff out and tell Aladdin she wanted to be his magic carpet. Girls like the Muppet like getting kicked around like a soccer ball.
This episode was about meeting Ali’s family unit and I am trying not to pull too many punches, but I kind of want to because they seemed nice. First, there was Ali’s father, who just looked confused the whole time. He looked like a man who has had to endure his daughter making out with dozens of dudes on television for over a year. Ladies, it is probably hard enough already on your fathers to know you give it up to that ex-water polo player from Newport. Imagine having your daughter be on back-to-back reality television shows making out with pilots, landscapers, wrestlers, lawyers and whatever the fuck Steve Nash Richard Gere did for a living. Brutal, man.
Then there was his wife, who seemed great except she had the same nails-on-a-chalkboard laugh as her daughter. Also, they always say check out the mother’s figure to get an idea of what the daughter’s figure might be like. Not trying to be a hater, but I am just saying it takes a ridiculous amount of spray tanning and anorexia for the Muppet to pull off her super skimpy beachwear and I know once she moves to Diego she will be hard-pressed to avoid eating California Burritos (the SD tradition of putting french fries IN a burrito) when her and Roberto have problems and she drinks a gallon of Cuervo Reposado at the Pennant with a bunch of USD sophomores who want to hook up with her because they consider her a MILF. Corre Ro-Bear-Toe! Corre mas rapido!
Roberto came on this date to meet the family and was kind of a G. He handled everything well, which was not easy because he was in a room of five white people from Massachusetts who all wanted to sleep with him. His first reaction was clearly to just continue to sweat all the time, which has been his M.O. for a few weeks now. For an athlete, he seems out of shape. How is the Muppet not sweating? My guess is they have five interns they borrowed from the NBA to wipe her down between takes like she’s the floor at Staples Center.
Roberto did great with the Mother Muppet which was obvious when she got mad racist and decided tell him a message in Spanish. I thought Roberto was going to die. It was so awkward balls I considered shaving all my body hair, putting it in a plastic bag labeled “Bear Clippings” and presenting it to the first police officer I could find. Literally, that is how uncomfortable this rehearsed line of east coast Spanish was. I secretly believe Ro-Bear-Toe doesn’t even speak Spanish, there’s just a lonely female producer who is feeding him lines en Espanol to fulfill some fantasy she developed during those five years in the nineties when Latin music was so popular we believed Ricky Martin liked chicks. We also somehow let J-Lo go from a chick who played a role in Money Train to well, J-Lo. Sorry Ben Affleck.
What was depressing was the Landscaper’s visit. He did great with the family, they all had tons of commonalities (including that the Muppet would be grossed out to sleep with any of them). Chris was sincere with the father, but the real jam was when he talked to Ali’s brother and sister.
Ali’s brother started the episode off looking like the guy they based Jim Carrey’s “Lloyd Christmas” character from Dumb and Dumber off of. The kid had the pumpkin pie haircut and a nervous twitch. I wanted to kick him and Serial Kasey in a hole and make them fight for leftover turkey sandwiches just to see who had more crazy in them.
But I was wrong. When the poor kid met Chris, he even invited him to go see a Sox game at which point I realized this poor schmuck GREW UP WITH THE MUPPET. Kid, I am so sorry. I’ll take you to a Sox game and I hate the Sox. This kid wasn’t crazy at all, he just was afraid to talk to Roberto because of his extreme Latin heat. This kid definitely just wants a brother. Know how I know? When he said “I NEED A BROTHER” at the dinner table. This was like the scene in movies where the kidnapped woman is trying to feed the cop signals that she needs saving. Little Fedotowski. I got you bro. Get out to California. We’ll get you a reasonable hair cut, some roll dogs to party with and life will be rad.
The Muppet’s sister, who I am just going to call Aretha Franklin, immediately fell for Chris. I saw the moment when her mind switched gears and she basically said, “fuck you sis, he’s mine”. Did you not notice he showing him about 8 inches of cleavage and giggling like a school girl. Anything more heavy handed would have been TLC showing up and playing “Red Light Special”. I want the B-Roll footage from the episode where she asks Chris if he is into girls with a more robust figure. I am not hating on her. She was about 100 times less annoying than her sister and actually pretty eloquent, at least for reality television standards. Perhaps I have fallen for the fuller Fedotowski?
Ali’s dad shocked the world when he basically told the Muppet that he really wanted to have sex with Roberto. That was a man crush and a half. I mean, Aretha wasn’t that mad because she is definitely calling the Landscaper in ten minutes to offer herself to him. Only Lloyd Christmas Fedotowski missed out. It’s okay, I already told you I got him covered when he moves to LA.
I am going to jump around a little bit, Ro-BEAR-To with me. Ali did the humane thing and skipped the rose ceremony to let Chris know she was picking the man that had sexually enslaved her from the beginning. Chris took it like a man and he is also invited to my California gangster pool party with Ali’s lil’ bro. I don’t want to give Ali too much credit. I think the producers were worried that the only thing that could derail this yearly trainwreck of a show was to publicly humiliate a nice guy just after his mother died. Truth is, the Landscaper was getting kicked off privately a few weeks ago, only Frank got super gangster on the Muppet and pulled a massive Kermit. I miss that shady bastard.
So Chris goes outside and there’s this rainbow. He takes it as a sign that his mother is watching down on him, which I totally believe. I felt great for him and I know those moments in life where somehow it all makes sense. What people don’t realize is that Chris’ mother created another celestial event to help her son earlier in the episode. Put down some newspapers. I’m about to blow your mind.
On the Muppet and Aladdin’s private date on the beach, suddenly and without warning there was the world’s most romantic sun shower. Literally, the sheer romance of 80 degree rain falling on Aladdin in a blue lagoon sealed the deal for the Muppet. Who do you think was behind that rain? Chris’ mother. Definitely. She saved her son from a life with the Muppet. I have never been so sure of anything. Tell me I am wrong? How am I the only one seeing this? I love that woman.
Side note, the Muppet brought back the neon highlighter clothing again for this date, this time, some wrap that looked like she had slept on five open highlighters and woke up in time to come her extensions with a cheese grater. The wardrobe people must be held accountable in this lean economy. There are definitely people who could do better. Beyond the hair and reliance on neon clothing, her spray tan is just over the top. She makes me want to adjust the tint on my flat screen. She makes Roberto look whiter than he makes the Weatherman look. She is purple. Is the purple skin and neon highlighter just because the wardrobe team are Laker fans? What is up here? They literally spray painted a six pack on her like she was a Spartan from 300.
Eventually, Ro-Bear-To in a sharp suit with a terrible collar climbed the stairs to propose to the Muppet. He could not look her in the eye. Then again, he would not be the first man to have trouble staring into death’s cold, cold embrace. Have fun, Ro-Bear-To. Godspeed, mi hermano. Vaya con Dios.
After the most ridiculous cross-promotion montage of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” cut to highlights of Roberto’s sexual ensnaring of the Muppet (including, surprise, their Lion King guest appearance), we moved into the After the Rose ceremony where Chris Harrison once again proved that if you smile and call guys “man” and “buddy” you can say fucked up shit to them and make them watch themselves get dumped on national television. Side note, do we really need recaps of things we saw five minutes ago? I hate you.
Ali said she’d forgive Frank, which is obvious because she wanted to end up with him and like every ex-girlfriend every guy has ever had, they always leave the door open just a bit no matter how it ended because, and I am just snowballing here, there is always the chance both of you end up 40 pounds overweight living in your hometown and you figure, eh, might as well. That’s just my theory.
Roberto came out and I’ll be honest, they kind of seemed in love. He seems like he wants to live a normal life. She seems like she wants to keep sleeping with a man too attractive for her. Maybe it will work out. I am not going to root against anyone who is getting married. Good luck you two. That said, if you blow it I will be right there to be the pigeon to your newly washed car.
So, what do I think of their chances? I think San Diego was a horrible call for the Muppet. You don’t bring a good looking husband to a city where there are more hot blonde girls per square mile than anyone in the universe. San Diego is a city of younger, hotter people than the Muppet and Roberto is now, thanks to our society, a celebrity. He’s a good looking celebrity and it is pretty obviously how many SDSU girls would LOVE to be at Broken Yolk hungover talking about how they banged Roberto from the Bachelorette when they saw him at PB Bar and Grill the night before. I mean, this guy will get so bumrushed anytime he goes out for a decent fish taco. They seem happy, but man will he be tested.
I guess we’ll see.
So now, I guess it is goodbye for my coverage. Good season, friends. I am not sold on Bachelor Pad yet, so I may just take this time to get back to drinking whiskey and waxing poetic. I hope those of you new to the blog stick around. If you were just here for the BachCaps (new branding, hotness) then I will see you when next season starts up.
In the meantime, avoid highlighter clothing, extensions that look like a bald eagle has made a nest on your head and spray tan responsibly. And to my San Diego friends, if you see the Muppet, point her to the blog. I am down to give her an interview to clear the air. That said, when you look like Frank as much as I apparently do, I may need to wear a chastity belt.