Hard Knocks Week One Recap.

Warning.  This recap is rated NC-17 because I plan to swear a lot in honor of Rex Ryan, who takes it to a new level.  If you are offended by profanity, don’t read this blog today.  Then again, you probably never read this blog if that is what offends you.

Holy fucking shit, Rex Ryan likes to swear.  This guy is to cursing like Kanye is to WRITING IN ALL CAPS.  After a very dramatic beginning with tons of slow motion and very Entourage looking camera work (highlights include dudes throwing tractor tires and dudes riding on boats all intense-like), we got to Cortland and the beginning of camp where Rex Ryan was fucking ready to tell you what he fucking wants the fucking offense and the fucking defense to fucking do.

In case anyone is curious, Rex Ryan wants his fucking offense, his fucking defense and his fucking special teams to have the most fucking wins in the fucking league.  Got it?  Good.

The big elephant in the room is that the Jets’ best defensive player Darrelle Revis is holding out on his contract because he wants to get paid even more than he is getting paid.  Revis Island is nowhere to be found and everyone is basically kissing his ass.  Rex Ryan can’t stop thinking about him.  I get it.  Shutting down the best receiver on every team you play makes you look like a good defensive coach.  Regardless, Revis Island is a weird little sidestory in this campaign, he won’t be on television and the Jets GM is just bugging out all the time.  It’s fun to see these guys so by the balls.  It will work out.  Just give it time.  Part of me thinks HBO demanded this, kind of like last season with that fat OL rookie that held out and I already forgot him because the Bengals are like local news, something I only watch if nothing else is on.

Rex Ryan eats fucking everything.  It is awesome.  I get a real sense they barely scratch the surface of what this guy is eating.  At one point he gets rationed out like a cheese stick and 14 cheese crackers and if it was ever possible to feel bad for a man so much richer than I will ever be, it was that moment.   Rationing cheese crackers with Rex Ryan is like trying to stop a rhino by throwing a paper airplane at it.  The man will not be stopped.  His office has an outdoor cafe at it and he definitely looks forward to eating there everyday.  It honestly gave me the “old man eating alone” feeling.  I hated it.  I wanted to get this guy some P90X and just tell him to sack up.

Another observation I made, which I already kind of had in my head, is that LT is a super huge douche.  Rex Ryan comes in to be a homie, maybe offer him a few of his roast beefs he smuggled in from a nearby Arby’s 5-for-5 going on, and fucking LT doesn’t even get off his cell phone.  Come on, dude.  It’d be one thing if you were still the jam.  Until you look like old LT, you need to be offering to steal cupcakes for your fat coach.  Another thing, LT wore a wife beater and a red hat and he looked like Nelly circa 2004.  Fly is scoring tocuhdowns brah.  Remember when that was what you used to do?

He had a fresh TD catch in scrimmage and he and Sanchez got a little awkward.  I get the sense these guys are like the two guys in a bar that run into each other and pretend to like each other and then go talk about of shit about each other to everyone else.

There was at least one racist joke about nachos aimed at Mark Sanchez.  He needs to balls up a little bit.  He just thought he’d explain that nachos aren’t traditional Mexican food.  This is the NFL.  Hit him in the mouth.  Call me if you need tips.  I have a bunch I’ve scribbled down.

Finally, Joe Namath showed up wearing pants at his nipples and sporting a bowl cut not seen since Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.  How has he gone from the guy wearing a mink coat and scoring touchdowns to this pissed off old guy with the same hair coloring as Billy Ray Cyrus?  All he wants is Mark Sanchez to put his hands under the center’s ass the way he used to do it.  I don’t know.  What’s next, wear a leather helmet?

Come on Jets front office.  Get the man some normal shorts.  Broadway Joe is amazing.  Don’t let him go down like this in full-blown HD.

As Rex Ryan would say, “get the fucking hall of famer some fucking pants that don’t make him looking like he fucking shit himself”.

Boom.  See you next week.

4 Comments

Filed under Rants and Musings

4 responses to “Hard Knocks Week One Recap.

  1. Emily

    okay, now I know what the guys must have felt like reading your bachelorette posts. i need to stay up for next week’s episode so i know what the hell you’re talking about.

    that said, i think i like rex ryan already.

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  3. KKinLA

    Could not agree more about LT being a MAJOR douchelord. He be the same pussy, whining loser that he was in San Diego. Such NOT a team player and a completely overblown, overhyped fuckchop. Can you tell that I hate him? But, Rex Ryan is the man!

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