On this Monday morning, I don’t have much to say. Just like the baseball season, it is the dog days of summer. It hasn’t felt much like summer since it supposedly started. Got out to Malibu this weekend and it was a madhouse, but I had a great time recognizing the fact that it was, in fact, summer. I also witnessed an amazing conversation between a valet attendant who barely spoke English and a tourist from the South who barely spoke English. I’ll write it out for you.
Southerner: Hey, boss. You the valet guy?
[I admire his awesome cut off sleeves and huge gut and then politely let him know I am not the valet guy. I thought the fact that I was with my fiancee, her mother, their family friend and her seven year old daughter was an awesome tip off.]
Me: No. I’m not.
Southerner: Who is?
Me: I think he’s the guy standing by the box with all the keys.
Southerner: Hey valet guy.
Valet Guy: Yes.
Southerner: Is this a parking lot?
[I blankly stare forward wondering if there is anything I can beat myself to death with in close proximity as this conversation is going to get all kinds of awkward]
Valet Guy: Yes, this is a lot.
Southerner: Here’s the deal. My family is thinking of eating that the restaurant, but we’re from out of town and we are going to go swimming first. Can we pay you to park here?
[This made me realize how whenever someone plans to ask someone for something they do not think is normally allowed, they just jump into a story. That said, do you think this guy gave a shit that this dude in a cut off shirt and a goatee, basically Kenny Powers, wanted to take his family swimming? Malibu was a congested colon that day and everyone is making a normally easy job really hard for Valet Guy.]
Valet Guy: Yes, this is for parking cars.
Southerner: Okay, so we can park here to swim?
Valet Guy: No. This is a lot for restaurant. One hour.
Southerner: We are thinking of eating at the restaurant, but we need to go swimming first.
Valet Guy: This lot is for the restaurant. One hour. There’s a wedding soon here. I need all the spots.
Southerner: What I am saying is can I pay you to park here? We’re on vacation and just want to swim.
Valet Guy: It’s three dollars.
Southerner: Three dollars to park here and we can swim?
Valet Guy: No. You can have an hour for three dollars.
Southerner: I mean can I pay you like twenty dollars if you just give us two hours so we can swim.
Valet Guy: It’s only three dollars.
At this point I got in my car, went rogue with some directions I got from the waiter and found a way to get off Westward Beach road without having to wait in any lines.
Anyway, happy Monday team. Here’s a video to make you laugh.