It was the debut of the Lane Fucking Kiffin era at USC and we got what we wanted. Everyone was acting super arrogant from the get-go. First off, the game was in Hawaii, which was super arrogant to begin with. No bowl game this year? Whatever. We’re going to Hawaii and we’re doing it for the first game. It’s like eating desert before dinner. It’s awesome.
What ensued was USC letting superstar quarterback Matt Barkley throw five touchdowns just to let Hawaii know it was raining pineapples. This was a response to Hawaii’s attempt at Trojan-caliber arrogance with their really pissed off looking dance they do before the game (which made me feel like I was at the Lion King musical).
Ronald Johnson, who switched his number to have a more NFL friendly number, which is arrogant and awesome, caught 3 TDs and then decided to run a punt in for a touchdown because he was bored.
Mark Tyler did whatever he wanted all day. He actually went surfing for a brief portion of the third quarter, then came back and broke off a touchdown because he forgot to score one earlier.
One important fact. We don’t kick extra points this year. We go for two. I know Lane is reading this and we are on the same page. Two is better than one. I don’t care what it means. Two.
The most arrogant thing of the day was our defense, which everyone has been complaining about. They gave up 588 total yards to a team formerly called the Rainbow Warriors. But think about it from my perspective. That’s hilarious. Anyone can “play defense”. What was arrogant and super awesome is we decided not to, except on the play where we knocked their quarterback out like it was a game of Mike Tyson’s Punchout. The old 8-bit version. That’s real arrogant.
Lane Kiffin’s father Monte Kiffin is the defensive coordinator and I was not sure who was punking who, but I didn’t care because I loved watching us give up a big play and then drop two big plays back on them. Lane didn’t like it.
At halftime Shelley Smith (why can’t we have Erin Andrews?) asked Kiffin and his awesome visor what Hawaii had figured out that was causing the touchdowns. His response: “NOTHING.” I mean, he didn’t add the word “bitch” but in my mind he did. Then he peaced out. When she tried again after the game, essentially to congratulate him on his first win, he basically said “it was terrible, we were terrible, nothing was good”. I loved it. It’s like when you cook someone dinner and your guest tells you it tastes delicious and then you tell them it tastes terrible just to let them know they don’t know shit about anything. Lane FUCKING Kiffin!
In my mind according to my call for us to be ridiculous this season and to write our own legend, I give week one an A+ (it was really a B- but we slept with the teacher and she hooked it up so we’d keep it quiet).
Just to cap off the fun, here’s hate mail Lost Angeles got from YET ANOTHER bitter Tennessee fan. Let’s have some fun with my annotations in CARDINAL:
Oops, like Trojan Shit is most likely to do, since there seems to be no thought of academics at your school, your words are just a little bit out of order. It was awesome how you called out academics through a sentence that couldn’t pass as English from a drunk guy with a mouthful of rocks. Also, funny to comment on academics WHEN YOU WENT TO A SCHOOL IN THE SEC NOT CALLED VANDERBILT. It should say, Fuck Lane Kiffin, Bro. You will find out I am right in about 2-3 years. Wanna know something you will find out in 2-3 years? That you somehow work for me through a parent company you never knew existed. By the way, you’re fired. Leave your mop and bucket at the visitor’s entrance.
Go Vols – fuck Lane Kiffin, and his little dog Toto, too. Dude, you want to fuck Lane Kiffin? And his dog? You are not helping our west coast pre-conceived notions of the south.
Until next week, help me spread the word that we don’t care about sanctions. We care about the fucking endzone.