They say Virginia is For Lovers. After Saturday, they will say Virginia is for football teams that get their ass kicked. If the CIA is really in Virginia, they sure did not share any of their central intelligence because the Virginia Cavaliers are already in California ready to get smacked like that kid at the U.S. Open. The Trojans are 20 point favorites which means this will be a lot like playing UCLA, only the cheerleaders will be better looking.
So how are the boys in Virginia feeling about this game? Here’s a post I copied from ESPN.com’s Virginia Cavaliers message board (which was mostly just a lot of really confused foreigners looking to talk about LeBron James, but I guess that’s not surprising because the only thing worse than Cleveland as a city is Virginia as a football team):
UVA at USC: UVA wins 31-28
This will be the second straight week UVA will face a USC QB. All-star Ras-I Dowling will return from injury to improve UVA’s pass defense Kris Burd will tear up the USC secondary. Look for Keith Payne to add a couple of scores as UVA beats the cheaters in their own backyard.
Immediately, I got super pumped up because predicting UVA to win was really arrogant, so I knew deep down the man who posted this admires Lane Fucking Kiffin and his extra-hot wife. That said, he also proved the theory that the water in Virginia is over 45% paint thinner by going on to explain WHY Virginia was going to win in the Coliseum. Here is my expert re-write on the situation:
UVA at USC: USC wins 247-13
This will be the second straight week UVA will face a USC QB. All-star Ras-I Dowling will find out being an All-Star in pee wee football won’t stop Matt Barkley from throwing 7 TDs on the other 10 terrible players on defense. Kris Burd will make the USC secondary laugh when they realize his last name rhymes with Turd. Look for Keith Payne to ask Lane Kiffin to stop going for two in a blowout when UVA is knocked on their backside.
Realistically, we won’t score 247 points. That’s because there are only four quarters. We’d need at least seven to get that done. The good news is, their logo is a cartoon version of Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean.
This article in the Charlottesville Daily Progress (which is really good for serving fish and chips in and really bad for reading) is basically a discussion about Virginia players and staff worrying about the rigors of traveling to the West Coast. Coach Mike London was quoted in saying:
“We’ve talked to our trainers, our nutritionists, coaches that have been there before, have gone over to the West Coast and just talked to them about when you sleep, what time you sleep, about making sure that you stay hydrated,” the coach said. “It’s trying to get acclimated as much as you can to the time zone the day after you get there … by going to bed by the time that’s out there, not what your body is saying.”
Let me save your crack research staff some time, Mikey. Here on the magical West Coast, we sleep when we’re tired of beating the hell out of football teams from Virginia and that’s usually after the end of the fourth quarter. As for nutrition, we enjoy fish tacos and bacon wrapped hot dogs.
Final Lost Angeles Score Prediction: 55-2 (they get a safety when RoJo takes a knee in his own endzone when he’s getting the Virginia QB’s girlfriend’s number)
Number of 2 Point Conversions Attempted: 4