I wasn’t planning on writing any USC stories until Thursday or Friday when I drop my Arrogant Game Preview for the frozen battle in Minnesota, but when I realized the Lane Kiffin 2010 Trojans lead the country in penalties, I got so fired up I literally broke my desk lamp and then beat up the nearest intern. After he hit the floor, I told him I hit him because I loved him and I was making him tougher. I think long term, he’ll understand.
240 yards of penalties in two games, tied for the lead with Arizona State, who’s mascot looks like a pedophile on Halloween. Check it out.
That said, I must commend ASU for being tied with us in such an arrogant category and also for having really hot co-eds in a city that is so unbearably hot, it is almost unheard of for any of them to post a Facebook picture where they are wearing clothes. So to answer my own question, ASU is racking up penalties at an incredible clip because it is super hot outside and in turn, they are really sexually frustrated. There’s some analysis Colin Cowherd won’t give you. That said, he just said Ohio State would beat every team in the SEC besides Alabama this morning on The Herd, which was super arrogant and I loved it so much I threw my coffee out the window on the 405 and pumped the brakes for no reason at all.
USC is racking up penalties because we are just super arrogant and when you are already smacked for sanctions, the rules don’t matter. Unless our appeal is accepted, we have another 15 or so games to cause havoc in the football universe. So far we’ve proved we can win without playing defense (arrogant) and that we can win without playing offense (really super arrogant). Can we possibly prove we are able to win AND lead the nation in penalty yards? I THINK SO. That is our manifest destiny.
I have decided I will keep track of the penalty battle, currently between us and ASU. ASU is on the road at Wisconsin so I feel like they are not only going to get their ass kicked, but the crowd will get penalties called on them for beating up Sun Devils. I have no love for Wisco and think it’d be great if ASU won, but I am talking penalties not points.
We get to go to Minnesota to play a team that lost to South Dakota last week (yes, South Dakota apparently has a football team) and his this thing for a logo:
The Golden Gophers. Let me put this in perspective for you. Remember this game from your childhood?
What are the odds we don’t physically destroy these guys. I am thinking there’s a chance we could gain more backwards yards with penalties than the Gophers gain going forwards with actual plays. That is the kind of arrogance we need. I hope you are all with me. I mean last week we got hit with a penalty called “targeting a defenseless receiver” which I don’t even know what that means. I mean, that’s like what? Beating up a nerd? I’m confused.
What I am not confused about is our need for more penalties and more points. More of everything. Kiffin says he is not planning on talking about penalties because “it can’t get any worse”. Let me translate that for you. He’s saying “I am not talking about it because I think penalties are awesome”. The world is our oyster.
Stay tuned for a post later in the week to preview the game, in the mean time, get your Lane Fucking Kiffin, Bro gear here.