It is Thursday (is it still the new Friday?) and that means if you are like me, you are thinking about how awesome it is going to feel to watch USC get buckwild on an inferior opponent on Saturday. On Thursdays, I also think about betting 50 thousand dollars on one game of baccarat in Monte Carlo and then cutting off the dealer’s hand with a samurai sword when he tries to cheat. That part doesn’t really have to do with football, but it’s pretty awesome so I thought I’d just let you marinate in it.
So this weekend we’re playing one of the earth’s great abominations, the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I don’t know a lot about gophers other than that I am pretty sure one of them got wasted in Caddyshack and went to town messing with Bill Murray, which was totally arrogant. Maybe that wasn’t a gopher. I don’t really remember. Like you, I have never seen Caddyshack sober. It’s the only movie where the movie theater’s combo pack is just a bag of stale pretzels and two Milwaukee’s Best.
The Gophers of Minnesota lost last week to South Dakota, who up until that point, I didn’t know existed. I was even a little sketchy that South Dakota was still a state. Kind of like Pluto. It’s a planet, it’s not a planet. I don’t care let’s just call all of it Canada south. I try to avoid going north of Santa Barbara if at all possible.
So Minnesota is really, really, really terrible at two things: Football and Weather. The first works for us and the second against us. The weather report says Saturday will feature a high of 59 degrees, a 30% chance of rain and a lot of people who are at least 20 pounds overweight because it is usually too cold to work out in Minnesota and also who would know what you got going on under six North Face jackets. OK, the weather report didn’t say that, but I think if you read between the lines (or travel to the midwest) you will know what I mean. I have a deep belief that they will try to lower the gametime temperature to under 32 degrees so it snows. If you did see Caddyshack, you know a gopher will stop at nothing to screw up the steeze of someone awesome. Someone like Bill Murray. Don’t worry though. Everyone from USC is super hot and snow is useless against us.
I’ll be honest. It is really hard to hate on Minnesota. The people I know from Minnesota are really nice people (and since they live in California, they are taking on super arrogant and attractive qualities as an exercise is Darwinism). For that, I say we shave a few points (as long as we all bet the correct score and get paid, which is really arrogant to do, so I feel like Lane will love it).
GOPHERS 12 (four snow-assisted field goals. they are super arrogant to watch)
TWO POINT CONVERSIONS ATTEMPTED: 1 (I like Minnesotans and their silly accents)
Last but not least, a good friend of Lost Angeles and legendary gonzo blogger Sean Brown of The Anarchist Project sent us email doing his own Arrogant Game Preview. In a nod to unbiased arrogance and 24-7 super-awesomeness, I am going to post it along with a LINK to his blog. Sean is worth your time. One time when I was fighting two bears, I went to work on the first bear and it took a lot longer than I thought to choke the thing out. I got nervous eventually the other bear would shred me, but when I turned around and put up my dukes, Sean had trained the bear, put it in a tuxedo and taught it to make dirty martinis. It was a really great Tuesday night.
Before you go and get all arrogant on us, let me save you the trouble. We know we don’t have a chance in this one, and more importantly, we don’t really care. Vegas gives the Trojans a two touchdown advantage over my Gophers, which is about half as many as it should be. That state of Minnesota, along with the rest of the country, expects the Boys of Troy to win handily. I’ve seen the argument made that U of South Dakota beat Minnesota last weekend, perhaps Minnesota will beat USC this weekend. As anyone who regularly follows Minnesota sports knows, that’s utter madness. Minnesota teams don’t pull off amazing upsets, but they sure know how to lose to inferior opponents.
You want arrogance? Oregon hung 72 on New Mexico. Toss up 80 and you’ll raise some eyebrows. The thing is, we know it ain’t personal sweetheart. It’s going to be a beautiful early fall afternoon in the upper Midwest, and we want you to enjoy yourselves. Come for the football, stay for the cookout. We’ll drink some beers and grill some brats, we’re hospitable folk. This is only college football, not college hockey or The Twins we’re talking about here. And we like to drink, heavily. Even our mascot, Goldy Gopher, likes to party. Here he is at our annual “Pirates and School Girls” event, that gopher gets down.
Our coach is a clown. A former University of Texas assistant, which makes him a Mack Brown clown, with horribly misplaced illusions of grandeur to lobby for, and then schedule, a home and home series with USC. Put up 80, please. Help us get a new coach. We’re tired of that asshole.
Minnesota loses a lot of talent to Los Angeles, but no one is too bitter about it. From one state with a former governor who starred in Predator to another, I’ll be honest: We don’t really mind it. We’re sort of that low key chill spot. We’re talented, we’re fun, we’re good people. You want the crazy though, you’re better off in Lost Angeles. Diablo Cody, The Lakers, Seantrel Henderson (the best high school football player we’ve had since Joe Mauer, committed to USC, but just couldn’t handle Kiffin’s arrogance, so he split for South Beach like LaBron) all took off for LA, and that’s alright.
Twins have a home game against Oakland the same afternoon, in all likelihood, not too many people are even going to watch the game. Zack of Lost Angeles, I’d like to take this opportunity to invite you onto the Minnesota Twins bandwagon for this post season, I saved you a seat up front with the blond blue eyed girls that we have an abundance of in our beautiful state. So do your thing, take care, maybe we’ll stop by for the Lost Angeles Arrogant Tail Gate next fall when we come to the Coliseum. Keep the faith, they can’t sanction your end zone.
keep it weird,
PS Bucky Badger can choke on my maroon and gold cock.
Folks. That was super arrogant and I loved it. So when we’re burying dead gophers in our backyard come Saturday, pour a glass of whiskey on the grave in tribute to the fine people of Minnesota and to the memory of how awesome Caddyshack was, especially the part where they throw a candy bar in the pool and everyone thinks it’s a turd and they go running out of the pool, then that dude eats it. That was arrogant.
Finally, if you haven’t bought your LANE FUCKING KIFFIN, BRO gear yet, you are a terrible person and not nearly arrogant enough. Go break a parking meter and blame it on the closest person in a powder blue Bruin shirt and then go home and order 10 of these shirts. You owe it to your future children who want to have an arrogant winner for a parent. Arrogant Nation needs you. And so do I. I am saving for a Ferrari that has a kegerator in the passenger seat and a stuffed bear mounted on the roof. Also, LIKE my blog page on Facebook already. I appreciate the arrogance of not doing it, but CLICK HERE and spread the message of telling the NCAA to SANCTION THIS (I’m pointing to an inappropriate place on my body).