It’s going to be hard not to write a novel about how arrogant everything on Saturday was. I was watching the game from my hot tub filled with Veuve Cliquot eating roasted duck and popcorn shrimp and thinking how arrogant it was that there was no snow on the field. Clearly, Lane Kiffin was planning for it because he came out in his white shirt/white visor combo, hoping to blend into the snowy tundra like some form of lethal snow cat. A lethal snow cat with a hot wife. Sadly, the midwest seemed to look really autumnish. Combine that with the proximity of colors between Minnesota and USC and I was confused and hoping our young team knew the difference between Cardinal and whatever the Gophers call that stale-re-fried bean red they rock.
So, we won and we scored over 30 points, so that was some quality arrogance right there, but let’s get into the details. USC definitely got serious with some penalties in the first half. Overall, they finished with 7 penalties for 71 yards, 29 yards short of a full football field length (the benchmark for a super arrogant performance) which was enough to keep us ahead of Arizona State, who was only about to convert their 8 penalties for 61 yards. Losers.
At one point in the game, the Big Ten referee calling the game was so shocked he had to call a penalty on the Gophers, he actually shuddered, pointed at USC, possibly pissed his pants (educated speculation on my part) and then realized he had to point at the other team and ROCK THEM with a five yard penalty for having a mascot from the film Caddyshack.
USC played down to its competition again, but that just keeps the game close and makes it really depressing when the other team loses after starting to believe it had a chance. Let me explain better. USC had a lead and then lost it. The Gopher crowd was bugging out believing that they had a chance. I saw all these Minnesota people giving each other the “I can’t believe this is happening” look, which was super depressing. It was like a hot girl asking a dork if he wanted to go on a date and then him being like “really?” and her being like “of course not you tool”. That was kind of like how I felt watching these people start to believe.
Then they kicked the ball off to Robert “Tiger” Woods and he basically just ran 97 yards through their Gopher hearts dropping pipebombs and napalm the whole way. After that happened, they cut to a shot of this idiot in a gold cowboy hat burying his face in his hands and I started laughing so hard I spilled caviar on my bearskin rug, which was totally arrogant.
We went for two a total of three times, which was amazing, especially since we didn’t convert once. A bunch of people of Facebook started complaining about it which was the opposite of arrogant. I immediately checked to see if any of them had ordered a LANE FUCKING KIFFIN shirt, because if they had, I’d have canceled the order and sent them a bill for “intentional softness”. Frankly, I want to throw these people in with my laundry in the dryer to soften it up so my skin stays supple, like properly cooked salmon. I cannot reiterate enough people, we need to win in arrogance whether we win or lose the game. By upholding a commitment to irrational and unchecked arrogance, we maintain our swagger in the face of sanctions. When Michigan State went for a fake field goal in overtime, they had won the game before they snapped the ball no matter what happened. It’s like at a rock concert when one of the guys smashed his guitar. Yeah, he’s done playing music, but he’s just getting started with being awesome as balls. Feel me? I knew you wouldn’t let me down.
Another arrogant detail. We dropped in the AP poll another two spots to #20, which is super arrogant. We are averaging -2 spots per win. That is so arrogant I don’t know what to do. It is proof what we are doing is working. IS IT POSSIBLE WE COULD BE OUT OF THE TOP 25 AT FOUR AND OH? That is the reason I wake up in the morning. Well, that and to feed my collection of bears I stole from a traveling Russian circus. It is a fact that if you do not feed a bear on time, he is likely to attack people and neighborhood dogs and while that is totally arrogant and hilarious, I am far too arrogant for significant jail time and it’s questionable whether “arrogance” is an acceptable plea in court.
We lead in penalties and poll spots lost per win. It is clear our movement is working to perfection. I am having a total blast keeping bad teams in games and then breaking their hearts. It’s all Mrs. Haversham and Great Expectations. That chick was super arrogant. So was comparing USC Football to Charles Dickens. Dickens is a pretty arrogant last name when you think about it. “Dickens got wasted and pissed on the bartender again. That guy plays for keeps!”
We’re not alone. A lot of you sent me email this weekend to alert me to a story that proves we are collectively making a difference. Former Tennessee head coach (shown below looking like he’s sustained a head injury) was quoted by CBS Sports saying the following:
Tennessee is a very proud program as we all know with great traditions and the people of Tennessee felt betrayed to be honest with you. They were embarrassed, felt jilted with all the cost of the change there was. Kiffin, he left Tennessee with basically his hat in his hand and a bunch of NCAA compliance questions.
Many in our community are glad that he is gone. He never really embraced the traditions, the values of the program or the community for that matter. And often his arrogant attitude turned people off. The bigger question in my opinion is how does a guy like this end up with two jobs with historic football teams like Tennessee and USC.”
You may remember Phil Fulmer from his 5-7 season which lead UT to hire Lane Kiffin in an attempt to help the school have a less fat head coach. Fulmer is also the only college coach to have not won a national champion while having Peyton Fucking Manning on his team. While Fulmer did win the Nat’l Title the following year after Peyton peaced out, he definitely didn’t lose any weight. I think the most interesting part of Fulmer’s time at Tennessee was that his weight combined with UT’s super arrogant neon orange color made the guy look like a giant traffic cone. Check it out:
In the least, he is right. Lane Kiffin is arrogant as balls. It’s awesome. Thanks for noticing. The part that is so weird is how Tennessee hates Kiffin so much. They dog him, but why? He left to move to California. He didn’t win that much at Tennessee. I’m gonna drop some Billy Shakespeare on all of you right now and say “he doth protest to much”. UT fans love the Kiffster. So much. If Kiffin left USC right now, literally, right now, we wouldn’t riot and threaten his family. We’d be like, “oh, drag” and then we’d play beer pong and look attractive until Jeff Fisher showed up. What’s the deal, Tennessee? If you want to make out with Lane Kiffin, just say it. That’s why he left. You are the kind of people that riot over a football coach. We’re the kind that shotgun a few beers and make fun of the NCAA for sanctioning us. We barely gave Uncle Pete any crap for leaving us and he was PETE CARROLL. Slow roll it, guys. Slow roll it.
So. Minnesota came and went. We racked up penalties. We dropped spots in the AP. We stayed undefeated. Kiffin wore a visor. It was awesome. So what’s next? A trip to Wazoo, which I will cover later in the week, followed by the most arrogant matchup in sports history: The Pete Carroll Assistant Bowl of Sark versus Kiffin. It will be a home game and I will be on campus rocking out. A lot of you have asked me to roll to your tailgates for some beer pong and a photo shoot for the blog. I am really arrogant and can’t keep track, so if you hit me up on FACEBOOK, I’ll get you contact info and we’ll make it happen. And click LIKE already (although I dig how arrogant it is that some of you haven’t yet).
Also, many of the LANE KIFFIN shirts have hit the postal service. Many of you have received them. Many of you will soon. When you get it, take a picture in it and send it my way. I’ll throw you on the blog, but I want some creativity. Show me some arrogance. Show me you and the Trojan Dance Force riding a dragon that has lion paws.
We’re 3-0. Lane Fucking Kiffin, Bros…