It’s Thursday and I smell the weekend and all the steaks I plan to grill with a blow torch. I feel you all itching at your desks and cubicles. There’s good reason. In just forty-eight hours, the Lane Fucking Kiffin-led USC Trojans will be going up to Pullman, Washington to go 4-0 and bring us one step closer to qualifying for a bowl we are not allowed to go to. Just this week the Pac-10 spokesperson Dave Hirsch basically said that due to sanctions, when the Pac-12 kicks off next year and holds a championship, USC won’t be allowed to play.
Hey, Dave. We don’t care. I personally think we should keep calling it the Pac-10 and play our own championship game against a local high school. The Pac-12 is already a failure. Remember when the Pac was going to have arrogant teams like Oklahoma and Texas? We get Utah (who hasn’t been arrogant since Urban Meyer left to make out with Tim Tebow and keep having a really arrogant first name) and Boulder, who is called Boulder because the state of Colorado clearly won’t let them go by Colorado because it would be super embarrassing. They haven’t been arrogant since Kordell Stewart was there, which was before the internet existed. Screw the Pac-12. We can’t play in the championship? How about have fun getting ratings watching Oregon wear hot green and battle the mighty Sun Devils in a game watched by 11 people. I say when USC is in the championship in 2012, we just don’t show up. We should all just roll to Ruth’s Chris and get them to serve us a lobster holding a filet in each of its claws. That shit is arrogant right there.
Know what else is really arrogant? I’ve written two monster paragraphs in a preview post for Washington State and haven’t even discussed Washington State yet. That’s how bad Washington State is and how little I care about playing them. The highlight of their year is the Apple Cup and the fans are constantly disappointed when they show up and its not a trade show in the Northwest for new iPods. How did Wazzu (which is a ridiculous nickname) even get in the Pac-10 (which is way better than the Pac-12)? I feel like Washington was like, “we wear purple, that’s super arrogant” and the Pac 10 was like “cool, you’re in” and Washington is like “hey, can our mentally challenged brother who lives in the woods come with?” and the Pac 10 is like “I don’t know Washington, you are asking a lot” and then the Washington mascot Husky just took a dump on the floor of the office and growled, so the Pac 10 caved like the weaksauce cowards they are. By the way, that was the longest run-on sentence in Lost Angeles Blog history. Arrogant.
So let’s get down to it. Washington State is in the forest and they have lost 11 times in a row to FBS opponents, which means the only wins they have had in recent memory were won against high school girls powder puff teams (no offense to the 3 powder puff teams that beat Wazzu). I heard a rumor that Lane Fucking Kiffin was super hungover the other day and just calls the AD at WSU and says “Hey dude, can we just call this thing off? It’s a long trip and you can’t find a reasonable street taco north of Santa Barbara.” The AD at WSU is like “Come on, Lane. I know WSU is super weak and totally in a forest, but it’d be a huge favor if you could show up so ESPN actually announces we played a game.” Kiffin was silent on the phone for a really arrogant 5 minute pact of silence and then said, “we are going for two so much on your ass” before hanging up and punching his fist through his son’s baseball hat, thus creating him a new visor to follow in father’s footsteps.
Let’s take a quick look at the Washington State logo. It looks like a henna tattoo you’d get in Venice by a guy in Scooby-Doo t-shirt. What the hell are we even looking at? Is this a ploy to confuse opponents? Like, I threw two interceptions because I was preoccupied with trying to figure out what kind of bird took a maroon colored dump on the other team’s helmets? How could you be proud of this logo? Oh wait, they aren’t. They’ve lost to 11 straight FBS opponents.
At least they are tied in the race with Arizona for most generic team name on earth. It’s crazy how many people are like “let’s name our team” and the discussion goes right to “what kind of cat can we name our team after?” I don’t trip out on the fact their are 1,000 teams called the bulldogs and that’s because bulldogs are awesome. So awesome, people call those teams things like “the dawgs”. It’s super arrogant to spell that way. Also, everyone on earth who doesn’t suck is a dog person. When you think “cat people” you think anti-social person who is collecting their toe nail clippings in a jar in hopes one day it becomes viable currency. So go Cougars. Rad name, Washington State. The Huskies (dog people) are slapping their heads in shame that they are on the edge of the forest you reside in.
My suggestion, call your team the Cougars, but change your logo to some hot, sun-baked mother from Newport Beach. Those Cougars sell much better these days and probably play about the same caliber of football that your cat-themed Cougars do. Just saying.
USC 49 (we’ll be super confused by their logo and it’s hard to concentrate in a forest0
WSU 3 (on a field goal attempt a hawk that is super pissed there is a football stadium in his forest will catch the ball mid flight and fly through the uprights on his way to destroy the ball. they’ll count the field goal because it will be hilarious.)
# of 2 pt Conversions: 11 (we’ll convert only two because we’ll be pretty bored by the second quarter)
When we are winning big and going for two, please remember that I will be off somewhere drinking beer in my private jet drinking scotch with my robot personal chef and several oil barons that apparently like my blog for the “arrogance’. I can dig it.
Batch one is all shipped as of this morning. Batch two goes out this weekend, so get stoked. We’ve gotten a ton of pictures from you, I will get around to posting them as soon as I am done posing for my mural-sized portrait I am posing for as I write this entire post with one hand without smiling or moving. We have something special planned for when we achieve our 6th win and become bowl eligible (in theory). In the meantime, get your shirts now because at a certain point, we’re retiring these designs and you don’t want to be the asshole who didn’t get them. Or just be arrogant and not get them. I don’t care, it’s hard to pay attention with all these supermodels trying to steal my laptop to check their email.
CLICK HERE TO FAN LOST ANGELES ON FACEBOOK (so I know I am bringing the lumber)